To throw DD's things in the bin!

[ooerrrr]

Am beyond exasperated with DD (16) - her room is a shit hole and I mean a TOTAL shit hole.

Filthy clothes everywhere, on floor, under bed, stuffed back in with clean clothes. Blood stained knickers!

Food and wrappers everywhere, drinking glasses - 2 of which were smashed.
Make up literally everywhere, tops of it all, marked all over bedding

She is doing her GCSES this month and there is no possible way she can revise in that mess. School work tossed everywhere, random sheets of work crumpled and torn.

In top of it all she constantly takes my things - have found 2 pairs of my trainers with laces missing (she uses them as belts 😡) perfume under bed, used up and missing its lid, my make up ruined.

I asked, pleaded, threatened, too many times and I lost the plot this afternoon. When I went in there to get something I stood in some broken glass. I retrieved everything that was mine andthen proceeded to get a load of bin bags and throw everything that was broken, dirty, clearly not given a shit about in bin bags.
There are 5 full bags which are waiting to be put out for rubbish.

She is a Shein addict so buys more and more stuff but never looks after things.

I am not particularly house proud but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Waiting for shit to hit the fan when she gets back from work....

Why? She's clearly able to hold down a job. She made the mess, she can sort through the crap

I'd sort between the irreparably broken things and the stuff that's dirty, and tell her to help you clean the dirty things. To wash the laundry, scrub the gunk on the carpet, etc.

Tell her how shocked and upset you were to stand on the broken glass, that the dog was there could have cut himself on it too, that he could've eaten a food that was bad for him/swallowed food packaging and that you might not have realised in order to take him to the vet.

Then ask her to confide in you if things are getting on top so that you can help before it gets bad. It's easy to let things go, and harder to decide where to start when they're out of control.

Edit: I'd also tell her how much your wrecked stuff is, and that any more of that and she will be expected to replace it with her money.

Yeah and the OP says she already tried many other ways,including "asking nicely"...she shouldn't need to ask, at 16 she should keep her room tidy , it's hardly time consuming to keep on top of 1 room!

... And which animals live in a pigsty?

It's really not the same

I disagree.

Because GCSE season is extremely stressful.

After exams, fair enough, but during exams kids need extra support and understanding.

Having coped with GCEs myself and GCSEs with my children I think she can spare the time.
And revising will be easier in a clean clear room

That’s not the same ffs!!!

I think what’s needed here is firmness but also kindness. To be honest I’d be worried about the mental health of a teen whose room was this bad, particularly with exams coming up.
Sit down with her. Tell her you are prepared to help her gut it one last time but after that things have got to change.
Decide what you can reasonably let go- you probably have to pick your battles. Letting her get her own clothes and make up that she has bought into a mess is her lookout. She’ll have no clean clothes and her friends will tease her, natural consequences. She’ll soon learn to get into a routine of doing laundry. And she will do her own laundry including bedding that she has messed with makeup. Ditto with studying. Provide what support you can but ultimately it’s down to her to get organised and find a system that works for her. Other things are non- negotiable. She must not take your stuff. You will charge her for anything that is lost/damaged/not returned within a reasonable time. Better yet, get a lock on your door. Get her some plastic cups and plates until she can learn to take care of glasses and not endanger herself, other family members and the poor dog! I would be forbidding her from having food and drink in there until she can learn to be responsible.

No I’m sorry but she is 16 not 6, let her hit the roof. When she can afford to replace the things she breaking or the carpet /bedding she is ruining then maybe she can have more of a say. I think you have been more than reasonable. I would take her phone/ipad off her until it’s done. She wants to act like a child she can be treated like one. I am sure it won’t end up with her in therapy or hating you as other people have said. I was made to clean my room and look after things when I was younger and I don’t hate my parents for it or need therapy.

YANBU - there should be a bare minimum she should be doing. Bringing dishes down, putting rubbish in the bin and putting dirty clothes in the washing basket for them to be washed. If she wants to make a mess of her stuff then that’s up to her but I would expect this as a minimum.

i would also not be allowing her to take my stuff if she was going to disrespect it.

my dad did this to us when we were younger and I don’t hate it for it either so don’t listen to what other people are saying.

good luck OP

Please don't flame me, but I rather like people who "couldn't care less" and are hopelessly unorganised! I especially like her blase approach to her schoolwork. I think it is just because I am actually quite old and I have had experience with totalitarian regimes and their longer history. So I like those who naturally "rebel" and also those who simply cannot be herded...

I do appreciate it must be exasperating for you, of course, while doing well in your exams is an important investment for the future. But I still think those who cannot or do not conform are the "salt of the earth". I know this is the wrong approach to have; please do not flame me!!

I disagree.

Kids who are used to the expectation of getting a lot done every day tend to get it all done. They learn self-discipline and time management, and to prioritise.

Kids who are cosseted and allowed or made to focus solely on their all-important studies can often end up failing to maximize their grades.

Wow! Rather than rampaging in, could you try supporting her? You know, like a parent…. 😬🤦🏻‍♀️

Totally agree.

You just called a 16 year old girl a dirty little toad?

Good grief.

No one has said that. They've said she should not throw her daughter's things in the bin.

Yes to this.

My kids went to school in the US, where your grade point average is what gets you into university. This means that every piece of homework you hand in, every weekly test, and every end of semester exam grade goes into your GPA, from the first week of your freshman year onward. How did the poor darlings ever manage to keep rooms reasonably tidy, do chores, do sports, participate in clubs, participate in school musicals and drama, do babysitting and PT jobs, and go out with friends without collapsing in a sobbing heap? And before anyone trots out the old chestnut, "American educational standards are what the British would consider remedial," my DCs attended Ivy League and other extremely selective universities.

The adage "If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it" holds true for students.

Superduperuper
Is she neurodivergent? Suffering with poor mental health or stress?

Bin bags isn’t the solution and is pretty traumatic tbh. Does she even know how to clean, have you ever taught her? In the time it took you to put her stuff in bin bags you could have tidied her room. She won’t still be doing this when she’s 25, it is just a phase because I daresay right now is a very stressful time for her.

Since when is being a slob and a thief a sign of autism?

I have autism, btw, an ‘official’ diagnosis.

The poster said Neurodivergent not Autistic. The daughter's behaviour could well be part of ADHD. Procrastination and task paralysis are actual symptoms. Body doubling helps a lot.

.

People have a really weird attitude towards teens these days. They give them adult privileges and yet no adult responsibilities. They are the princes and princesses of the household.

It doesn’t work for me as a parent, and it doesn’t work for them either.

Their room is only their space subject to them taking care of it. Even as an adult, if a landlord inspected a room you were renting in that state, you could be evicted.

It is really worth having high expectations, and high expectations implies consequences if they aren’t met (otherwise they aren’t high expectations). Good teachers know this and so do good parents.

Of course, help them with the tidying and any relevant decision making but don’t let them get away with it on the grounds that they are stressed or might not visit you when they are adults. TBH, most teens/young adults respect strict but kind. If you ask them who their favourite teacher is, you may be surprised that it isn’t the most chilled who lets them get away with anything, but a combination of strict yet inspirational.

There are 5 full bags which are waiting to be put out for rubbish.

Please don't put them out! You've made your point; leave the bags for her to go through (or do it with her if she wants) when she has time, but throwing away her things is going too far.

I would try to make a clear distinction - both for yourself and to her - about what negatively impacts others/the whole household and what really mainly hurts her. The issues that significantly impact others need to be dealt with, effectively stand as a priority, with ongoing consequences if they continue. For the other things, offer your help and advice if she wants/will accept it but don't force it.

Taking your things back and taking steps to stop her from accessing them is reasonable and necessary. A rule about no food and drink in the bedrooms is a good idea - get her one of those big insulated mugs and enforce the rule that everything else stays in the kitchen/dining room.common areas. Or a rule that any plates, glasses, etc. are returned to the kitchen clean and put away before bedtime each nigh, or once a week, or whatever works. But make sure the whole household follows that rule. If her room's a health hazard, attracts pests, can be smelled from other parts of the house, etc. that also has to be fixed.

But stuff like missing makeup tops and stained knickers - assuming she's doing her own laundry and buying/replacing the things herself, since she's working - don't need to impact anyone but her.

Yes, yes yes. Doing this while your DD was out sounds like having a tantrum. I've no doubt that the room is as bad as you say, but really, going in when DD is out - she's 16 and entitled to some privacy - without warning too, is not on. Grow up, OP, and use your words like a grown up.

and has she gone thru all the black bags ?
or are they still sitting there ?

I do this. They do it or I do it. Blood stained pants and mouldy food and broken glass is basic health and safety.

For me a phone jail is a lifesaver. 😂I put their phones in and they don’t come out or get the new WiFi code (also in the phone jail) until room is cleaned to my basic standard.

I would not let them use my stuff, they would have to buy new laces/ make up etc out of their wages. That’s just so disrespectful.

My eldest ate an entire carton of something very expensive which I buy once a week to go in smoothies. I asked where it was and I was told they didn’t know. They blamed their sibling, who then also denied all knowledge. I asked again nicely and again they repeated that maybe o had left it in the supermarket or maybe I’d not brought some this week 😱It wasn’t in the inside recycling, it was buried at the bottom of the outside recycling. But the lying got me. Had they asked for some the answer would have been - have some. So yes, they have not only paid for a new one but been sent out to get it. It the bare minimum I expect.