To throw DD's things in the bin!

[ooerrrr]

Am beyond exasperated with DD (16) - her room is a shit hole and I mean a TOTAL shit hole.

Filthy clothes everywhere, on floor, under bed, stuffed back in with clean clothes. Blood stained knickers!

Food and wrappers everywhere, drinking glasses - 2 of which were smashed.
Make up literally everywhere, tops of it all, marked all over bedding

She is doing her GCSES this month and there is no possible way she can revise in that mess. School work tossed everywhere, random sheets of work crumpled and torn.

In top of it all she constantly takes my things - have found 2 pairs of my trainers with laces missing (she uses them as belts 😡) perfume under bed, used up and missing its lid, my make up ruined.

I asked, pleaded, threatened, too many times and I lost the plot this afternoon. When I went in there to get something I stood in some broken glass. I retrieved everything that was mine andthen proceeded to get a load of bin bags and throw everything that was broken, dirty, clearly not given a shit about in bin bags.
There are 5 full bags which are waiting to be put out for rubbish.

She is a Shein addict so buys more and more stuff but never looks after things.

I am not particularly house proud but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Waiting for shit to hit the fan when she gets back from work....

@ooerrrr Good for you! Your house!

None of that is reasonable, and you've had conversations; she knows there is what you consider to be a problem.

I think the bin bags approach is fine.

I'd get a lock for your own bedroom door, and make sure she can't get your stuff.

I'd forbid any eating in bedrooms.

I'd make sure there's a laundry basket available in her room, and make her do her own laundry.

I'd take the door off her bedroom and only out it back when the room has been kept clean and tidy for a fortnight. A bedroom door can be considered a privilege to be earned back.

To those saying "But GCSEs!" - it is possible to keep a room free of broken glass (!), food that's gone off, and other detritus, and it's also possible to stop helping yourself to other people's stuff, and still deal with exams.

The description of this pigsty of a room is completely disproportionate to the stress associated with exams. Exam stress isn't an excuse for any of it.

Bedrooms get to this state because of lack of expectations, lack of the need to be organised and to prioritise - the problem is not too much of any of that. If you want a teenager to become tidy and deal with the demands of normal life, you have to keep the expectations of normal tidyness consistent regardless of upcoming exams. People learn to keep multiple plates spinning by having multiple plates to spin, not just one or two.

The shopping addiction needs to be addressed.
Possible issues around depression need to be addressed (bearing in mind that a bedroom like that can become part of a vicious circle).

Get a lock for your room, if she wants to borrow or use something she needs to ask, then return it as she found it.

Regarding her bedroom, I would give it a massive blitz.
Bin the rubbish, fill a bag with anything you don't know what to do with, give it a good clean, fresh bedding, dust, windows, the works. Really make it a nice, welcoming place to study. Get on top of it for her.

Then sit her down and tell her it's a one off, you are trying to support her during her GCSE's and she cannot focus when she is living in those conditions. But you expect her to maintain it now it's done otherwise there will be consequences.

Some of this is true-eg the GCSE stress bit. Broken glass is completely inacceptable. Theft of mother's stuff also unacceptable. Mum-get a lock on your door, taking your stuff is not on. I wouldn't chuck but I would sit down and talk. There's something amiss, not sure what. My daughter simply doesn't care about mess either but this sounds atrocious. Put bags in shed or garage, get her to sort them when calmer.

Year but she's 16. She knows where dirty crockery goes, just doesn't care. Sadly not unusual.

Why our you all going in your 16 year old rooms? They are old enough to keep it how they want it if that's a shit hole then so be it!!
I remind my ds16 once a week strip ya bed and there's the hoover, no dishes in there apart from his water bottle he refills he nearly a man he can sort his own room.

And let me guess - she also tends to lose things, do things last minute and is always running late?

Teens are locking themselves away spending hours and hours of their lives on social media and adults wonder why they have poor mental health and haven’t grown up properly. Just take away her phone and give it back when she’s grown up enough to have one.

Well I managed ( many years ago) because my mother wouldn't have tolerated that disgusting tip

So did my children, although their rooms might have been a bit untidy, they weren't hovels.

Her parents have worked hard to buy a house that gives her the luxury of her own room and that's how she treats it?

Not in my world she wouldn't.

Does he leave shit stained pants lying about and broken glass everywhere?

You say he can look after his room- it's pretty clear from the OP that her daughter can't.

'End of' doesn't make it so

Feel your pain. I’m not sure I would have done the same but I can understand why you have.

The only 'belongings' the OP threw away were the ruined ones.

Unless you think the DD really wanted to keep bloody knickers, ruined makeup and broken glass?

She didn't call her a pig

She called the room a pigsty which is not unreasonable if it's disgusting

My mum did similar to me as a teenager except she took everything out of my room that was on the floor and put it outside and said I had till the end of the day to put it away properly or anything left outside was going in the bin.

I didn't suddenly become tidy but was a lot better at maintaining my room so it was messy not filthy.

And almost 30 years later I still have a fantastic relationship with my mum.

Maybe it’s just because it’s how my teenage years looked, but does your daughter have ADHD or is she struggling a bit with her mental health? Most people, even scrubby teens don’t want to be around broken glass and mouldy plates. The taking your stuff and damaging it is not on, but the clothes on the floor is quite standard for teenagers and the stuff that poses more dangers like crockery in her room and broken glasses etc. makes me think there’s more at play, as even in my most despairing moments I’d find the time to pick up glass off the floor in my room. My mom never taught me to tidy and would clean up after me, but I’d shitty it up so fast because I just didn’t feel good about myself and didn’t care about anything so why would I care about washing up or making my room habitable?

I realise it’s super frustrating, but I would unbag all the stuff that’s not actual rubbish and give her another chance to start sorting it out. I’d have struggled to forgive my parents for pulling this in GCSE season. My mom would use tidying as an excuse to snoop in my stuff and that felt stressful enough.

I'm 28, I had to move back home due to not coping, I'm also a bit messy, was absolutely diabolical as a teenager, also got the bin bag treatment.

It was traumatic.

It didn't matter what was done, until my stress levels are down I'm barely functional unless it's something that captures my complete interest.

That isn't to say I don't try but when I fail it's internalised and really fucks with my mental health because I know other people judge me.

I just got my autism diagnosis this week, and will be chasing my ADHD diagnosis as it was recommended by the consultant psychiatrist that did my assessment.

I am now building up an evidence file for financial support so that I can pay for cleaners, but I'm also lucky enough for now to have supportive family like your daughter and I just wanted to thank you for being incredibly understanding towards your child.

The OP isn't talking about putting her daughter's possessions in bin bags, she's talking about things that are broken and ruined.

Seriously??? You think OP is being unreasonable to do this? That she just has to smile and accept broken glass? Ruined possessions? There's neglecting tidiness during times of stress - and I can be slatternly AF at times - and there's extreme selfishness and neglect and I don't think being stressed about GCSEs is a good reason for this at all.

@ooerrrr I don't think YABU at all.

She's doing her GCSEs and working part time, this hardly leaves her with no time to keep her room clean.
Many of us have sat exams whilst doing things far more stressful than a part time job.
Both of my kids have worked part time from the age of about 13, both keep their room tidy, neither have buckled from the 'stress', in fact they still seem to find time for friends and hobbies!

How did she react op?

I’m in the YANBU camp. She has literally NO EXCUSE not to put her dirty pants in a washing basket, clean up broken glass, or wreck other people’s stuff. Literally none. If she is old enough and responsible enough to have a job, then she is old enough to have basic hygiene, safety and courtesy at home.

There’s a huge difference between between having a messy room, and what you’ve described.

I’d also go one step further and refrain from taking her out for any treats or withholding any extra cash until you’ve made back the money it cost to buy the stuff of yours she has wrecked. Tell her you’re not made of money.

Op’s daughter can take herself to a&e then when she steps onto broken glass with bare feet.

I do the same to my DS. He just doesn't see mess , I go in with my bin bag and chuck all rubbish and broken things. He then sulks because I've moved his stuff, but there comes a point were it's a hazard and unsafe.

Mine did the same to me although I was much younger so they were toys/toy animals. I remember being hysterical. Was one of many things though that weren’t right in our house.

Update... I left everything in bin bags outside her bedroom door and said she needs to go through to decide what is rubbish and what should be
Kept.

Took back anything that was mine

Reiterated I was always avaiblle if she was feeling overwhelmed by her room or wanted a hand but that if I find anymore glass rotten food, bio hazards, there woiuld be serious consequences (what those would be for a 16'year old I'm not sure!!)

Will reconsider the storage situation but I think she has more than enough available to her.

Interestingly she wasn't particularly bothered by what I'd done

Let us know what she does with the bin bags OP

If she is neurodivergent, she will really struggle with finding a place for stuff due to executive function/object permanence issues. I’ve come to realise that if I put something away, it ‘stops existing’ (save for a few very important things like passports). My friend (similar issues) has taken all the doors off all the cupboards in her house so that she can see inside. Our brains work differently so we’ve had to find ways of coping.