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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not invited to nephews wedding because he has MND

222 replies

WarmGreyReader · 13/03/2024 15:18

My husband has 2 brothers and one nephew , nephew is getting married and one brother has been invited but my husband has been excluded and no explanation . Father of the groom is always popping into house as husband is terminally ill with MND and i presumed we were getting an invite even if we couldn't attend . I find out that the RSVPS were last week from a stranger and was so embarrassed angry and hurt . Grooms father has given no warning or explanation but has been acting guilty around me . Seems its ok for me to be the carer of his brother but im only dirt on their feet really .I want to say something and advocate for my husband who would be livid if he knew what going on .In fact i know he would tell his brother not to visit and to leave us alone . I am keeping this information from my husband as he is too sick to understand but do not feel right about brother being in my private space when we are excluded . We are from a culture where siblings not being invited would be seen as a dreadful slur .

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 13/03/2024 15:21

I have no advice OP but that's dreadful

can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to see your dh so unwell and to then this on top

sending you hugs xx

Picklestop · 13/03/2024 15:22

Why don't you speak to the brother? To be fair, it isn't up to him who is invited and you might want to get the full story.

moonfacer · 13/03/2024 15:23

YANBU.

When BIL visits are you expected to provide tea and snacks? Because I would stop all that immediately.

Original poster
WarmGreyReader · 13/03/2024 15:24

I want to get it out in the open and discuss it as i dont feel i can have him in my house with me feeling resentment, and i know that its not the brothers decision its just that i thought he could have the empathy to let me know so i wouldnt get embarrassed , how do i approach it ?

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 13/03/2024 15:25

It isn’t your brother in laws fault no invite has been forthcoming from his son.

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/03/2024 15:25

You say “even if we couldn’t attend” and “if [DH] knew what was going on” and “he is too side to understand”: is it not likely that BIL and his family think you have enough on your plate and are fully aware that you aren’t going to be able to attend the wedding, and have opted not to give you anything else to worry about?

Even if not, plenty of people don’t invite their aunts and uncles to their weddings nowadays. We didn’t. Neither did we explain it to them. If your nephew didn’t want his aunts and uncles at his wedding, that’s not BIL’s fault.

Original poster
WarmGreyReader · 13/03/2024 15:26

Im expected to be the martyr and to keep brave face up , seems im expected to suck it up to in exchange for help in an emergency

OP posts:
Original poster
WarmGreyReader · 13/03/2024 15:27

Why not send invite then anyway , he would have got an invite if he wasnt terminally ill . Feels like he is considered dead already

OP posts:
Original poster
WarmGreyReader · 13/03/2024 15:28

therealcookiemonster · 13/03/2024 15:21

I have no advice OP but that's dreadful

can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to see your dh so unwell and to then this on top

sending you hugs xx

It really made me feel worthless and forgotten .Thanks for understanding

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 13/03/2024 15:29

But none of this is DH’s brother’s fault. He can’t make his son invite anyone to his wedding.

FranticHare · 13/03/2024 15:32

I’d say to your DH brother that your invite appears to have gone astray and see what happens.

it is a really shitty thing to do. We had a relative that was terminally ill and not well at the time of our wedding. We still included them in the invites, and made sure to send photos etc afterwards.

TheHangryAzureBird · 13/03/2024 15:33

Could it not be that they knew you wouldn’t be able to attend so didn’t bother with an invite. That in itself is inconsiderate but what makes you think it’s because they don’t want him there.

Pumpkinpie1 · 13/03/2024 15:34

I think it’s better to speak to BIL than let your resentment fester.
It is hurtful to be excluded, be honest with him

TheBeanBeanie · 13/03/2024 15:35

So is it obvious to everyone that he wouldn't be able to go? In which case maybe they didn't want to be all WE'RE HAVING A PARTY WE KNOW YOU CAN'T COME TO.

MissusKay · 13/03/2024 15:35

Speak to your nephew if you must, but this has nothing to with your BIL.

That said, your nephew should have sent an invite.

Girlattheback · 13/03/2024 15:36

I’m sorry, that completely sucks. People can be really thoughtless when you are sick or a carer and then tell you they were trying to be considerate!

For those saying BIL has nothing to do with invites, I’m sure he could say something to your nephew if he felt strongly about this.

Next time they come over how about “BIL how are the wedding plans coming along? I’m feeling a bit awkward because we don’t seem to have received our invite yet and we don’t want to appear rude as the RSVPs must be due about now?”

Then watch him choke on his tea and biscuits 🍪

WhatNoRaisins · 13/03/2024 15:37

I'd be tempted to innocently ask BIL if it's possible that your invitations got lost in the post.

Jasmin1971 · 13/03/2024 15:39

I am so sorry you have been treated like this. Hugs to you and your husband.

WhoaJayShettybambalam · 13/03/2024 15:40

I get it, it’s like he’s already gone and you are no longer family just a carer. It’s heartless and thoughtless.

I think that I couldn’t not tell the brother that you are hurt. It doesn’t need to be a big fall out but you can’t hold onto this hurt and resentment without telling him.

Picklestop · 13/03/2024 15:42

WarmGreyReader · 13/03/2024 15:27

Why not send invite then anyway , he would have got an invite if he wasnt terminally ill . Feels like he is considered dead already

I don’t think anybody disagrees with you, other than it is probably not the brother’s fault. As said, I think you need to talk to him and yes hopefully rustle up an invitation you can tell DH about, even if you / he can’t make it.

Original poster
WarmGreyReader · 13/03/2024 15:43

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/03/2024 15:25

You say “even if we couldn’t attend” and “if [DH] knew what was going on” and “he is too side to understand”: is it not likely that BIL and his family think you have enough on your plate and are fully aware that you aren’t going to be able to attend the wedding, and have opted not to give you anything else to worry about?

Even if not, plenty of people don’t invite their aunts and uncles to their weddings nowadays. We didn’t. Neither did we explain it to them. If your nephew didn’t want his aunts and uncles at his wedding, that’s not BIL’s fault.

Edited

Its not normal in my culture to invite one brother and not invite the other brother because they are sick .Its considered victim shaming and very rude .My family and friends are feeling very sad for us as they know the level of sacrifice i make .

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 13/03/2024 15:43

I would call my BIL or nephew in your shoes and ask why you'd not been invited.

I can understand why you're hurt x

SiobhanSharpe · 13/03/2024 15:44

When we got married an aunt of mine was seriously ill with MS, in a wheelchair and not doing very well at all.
We didn't know if she would be able to come (the church and venue would not have been a problem, AFAICR) but we invited her. We wanted her and my uncle to attend if they could -- not to invite them would have been a massive snub.
They couldn't come in the end but I know they were pleased to have been invited.

LenaLamont · 13/03/2024 15:44

If you'd both be unable to go because of your husband's health, perhaps nephew felt it would be insensitive to invite you and rub your faces in "big celebration you can't come to."

I'm sorry you and DH are going through this. MND is so cruel.

Original poster
WarmGreyReader · 13/03/2024 15:49

Dacadactyl · 13/03/2024 15:43

I would call my BIL or nephew in your shoes and ask why you'd not been invited.

I can understand why you're hurt x

I will ask when i have my BIL in front of me , he is avoiding the question at the moment . I would rather the truth be out and cards on the table , life is too short to have these sort of people in my life

OP posts: