Husband not invited to nephews wedding because he has MND

[WarmGreyReader]

My husband has 2 brothers and one nephew , nephew is getting married and one brother has been invited but my husband has been excluded and no explanation . Father of the groom is always popping into house as husband is terminally ill with MND and i presumed we were getting an invite even if we couldn't attend . I find out that the RSVPS were last week from a stranger and was so embarrassed angry and hurt . Grooms father has given no warning or explanation but has been acting guilty around me . Seems its ok for me to be the carer of his brother but im only dirt on their feet really .I want to say something and advocate for my husband who would be livid if he knew what going on .In fact i know he would tell his brother not to visit and to leave us alone . I am keeping this information from my husband as he is too sick to understand but do not feel right about brother being in my private space when we are excluded . We are from a culture where siblings not being invited would be seen as a dreadful slur .

I'm pointing out that even within cultures things change.

Hi OP,

Firstly I am really sorry to hear of your husband's illness. I have personal experience with an immediate family member. It must be so difficult for you both at the moment.

I get why it hurts and think you should calmly (if you feel able) express how and why you feel hurt to your BIL, and give him the opportunity to respond / explain his side. Then take it from there.

I hope you can resolve the matter and get a reasonable explanation / outcome.

Big hug for you xxx

I agree with this. It's just mean, and I would definitely tell BIL how very hurtful it is.

So sorry your husband is so ill, OP. MND is heartbreaking.

He couldn't have explained it to you if he didn't know you/dh weren't invited though?

My dad hadn't a clue who was invited to our wedding, how are you so certain bil is aware?

No invite = no wedding gift from you

I think you're going through an unbelievably hard time, and I think this has been badly handled by your husband's family.

However, may I gently suggest that you seem determined to assume malice and shallowness where clumsy but misguided attempt at being considerate (not adding to your plate / rubbing your nose in something you can't attend / making you feel you owe them a wedding present etc.) may be the explanation, either from the nephew, brother or both.

It's particularly unreasonable (and I fear, a kind of internalised misogyny) to spit such venom about the bride - the person most likely to be allowing herself to be guided by the judgement of your husband's blood family who she could assume know best what's expected and normal in your family - when the reality is that you know absolutely nothing about the conversations and decisions that have gone on behind closed doors.

Kindly, I wonder if nursing your anger about this perceived slight is a bit of a displacement activity for the very horrible situation you find yourself in. If you can possibly find it in yourself to consider a more generous interpretation of these events and talk to your BIL about it from that footing, I think it will all go a lot better and you'll feel a lot better and you may be glad not to have burned family bridges down the line.

Best of luck to you.

op @WarmGreyReader do you think they discussed it with your dH?

It's a shitty thing to do. Is the wedding local? Would it be possible for you both to be included even just for the service?
It must be hard enough dealing with the awfulness of MND without being made to feel like pariahs. I would certainly be speaking to BIL and making my feelings crystal clear!!

I am going against my husband by having anything to do with them as they have hurt him in the past .Its difficult to explain but i had to make a decision to forgive them so that they could spend time with their brother ,

Why are you overriding your terminally ill husband's wishes? They've behaved badly before, why on earth would you facilitate them spending time with their brother when he doesn't want them to? Just so they can tell themselves they 'did everything they could' and 'they were with him at the end' when it's absolute bollocks.

You have to get your beak out of this. What DH wants is important, what you think (for some unknown reason except you think you know better than him) you should be doing differently is not at all important. Does DH even enjoy his brother's visits? They've treated him appallingly again. Tell BIL that he is no longer welcome and let you and DH enjoy what time he has left with your nuclear family. The wedding invitation is irrelevant in the wider context.

i wouldnt cut his brother out of his life ,

Good post, @LightsCameraBloodyDoSomething.

It’s stupid to say they were trying not to upset the op- she knows about the bloody wedding anyway.

All they have done is take her upset at having to miss out on the event and added the upset of not being invited!

It really isn’t your BIL’s fault. Please don’t be bitter towards him, he clearly cares about your husband if he’s visiting often. It’s a horrible situation for you but it’s not worth losing people who do actually care.

It’s his fault he hasn’t spoken to her about it.

i know he would tell his brother not to visit and to leave us alone . I am keeping this information from my husband as he is too sick to understand but do not feel right about brother being in my private space when we are excluded . We are from a culture where siblings not being invited would be seen as a dreadful slur .

It's not the brother's wedding. Why are you trying to turn this into a rift with him?

If the nephew knows he is too unwell to attend then it's pointless sending an invite.

I am disabled and the total opposite. Not being invited, having all your friends leave you behind is incredibly painful.

Couldn't agree more. So sorry for you being in this situation. I don't understand why people are defending BIL as although he didn't do this, he is spineless in not telling you.

I wouldn't have it out with BIL. I'd let him squirm instead. If/when he finally mentions it or the next time you see "D"N, you can call them on being such maggots that they let you find out from a stranger. I'd also let them know that "D"N won't be welcome to say goodbye to his Uncle when the time comes. I'd have nothing more to do with him. I wouldn't bother to send a wedding card or gift. They deserve nothing from you.

It's not for the nephew to decide whether the OP and her DH could manage to go. If he doesn't want them there then have the decency to say but to not invite is very bad manners and unkind.

I can 100% understand why you feel hurt and angry. However, I agree that your BIL isn't responsible for decisions re invites and might be feeling very uncomfortable about the situation. If you don't talk to him about it, you will have built up resentment which will make you feel worse. As hard as it is, can you calmly talk to your BIL with an opening question to allow for further discussion. Depending on the discussion, you can then talk to nephew. For your wellbeing, it is very important that you discuss this and not bottle it up

OP, I totally get where you are coming from. You are so not being unreasonable.

I would ask BIL about the invite. He will know who is and isn’t invited from family and should have explained to you that you weren’t.

I hope you have support for you and your DH at the tough time.

It isn’t pointless at all. It’s the decent thing to do. The op’s husband isn’t less of a person because he is disabled or ill.

If you get hit by a bus tomorrow, or get cancer and have to limit your life, would you suddenly consider yourself not worth the price of an invitation to your family?

How upsetting, I am so sorry OP

It wouldn’t hurt to send an invitation in these sort of circumstances where it’s extremely unlikely that somebody will be able to attend. It would prevent all the hurt that has occurred and only cost the bride and groom the price of the invitation card. Thoughtless.

I've been in the similar situation, I was the only Auntie not invited out of 10 Aunties and Uncles, it's a horrible feeling as you know that others are talking about you etc. My only advice is to move on, enjoy your time with your hubby and not let it get to you. They are missing out on you not being there. All I can send is big hugs xx