Husband not invited to nephews wedding because he has MND

[WarmGreyReader]

My husband has 2 brothers and one nephew , nephew is getting married and one brother has been invited but my husband has been excluded and no explanation . Father of the groom is always popping into house as husband is terminally ill with MND and i presumed we were getting an invite even if we couldn't attend . I find out that the RSVPS were last week from a stranger and was so embarrassed angry and hurt . Grooms father has given no warning or explanation but has been acting guilty around me . Seems its ok for me to be the carer of his brother but im only dirt on their feet really .I want to say something and advocate for my husband who would be livid if he knew what going on .In fact i know he would tell his brother not to visit and to leave us alone . I am keeping this information from my husband as he is too sick to understand but do not feel right about brother being in my private space when we are excluded . We are from a culture where siblings not being invited would be seen as a dreadful slur .

OP, I think it's totally valid to be hurt that you and your husband weren't invited.

Regardless of if they thought your husband would be able to come, they should have invited him and let you and your husband make that call. And I can see where you would expect to be invited as extended family and it would be hurtful that they've implied that because your DH likely can't come, you also aren't wanted in your own right.

But I'm not sure I understand why this makes you feel "used" or similar. How have they used you?

Why are so many people that other family members such as the parents of the groom, don’t have a say in who is invited? In many cultures marriage is about a union of families and parents have a lot of input possibly even final say.

I don't believe its malicious, just ignorant and uncaring. The person who could have warned me ( BIL )made the decision to take their chances ,they knew I would be upset and confused and aren't my friend
I'm only the carer now and after 32 years of marriage I was foolish to expect anything else

Unless you had a tiny registry office wedding, I cannot for the life of me imagine being so rude as to not invite an uncle/ aunt to my wedding .

YANBU OP, I’m so sorry you are being treated this way 😔. If it were me I would say something xx

I am so sorry to read this OP. What a nightmare you and DH are going through. Your nephew and his bride are way out of order. But they are the only ones you should have issue with, not BIL. I don't see how a man can be held responsible for whom his son invites to his wedding. It may not be the nephews fault either, it could be bride to be being totally unfair and nephew is having major rows with her over it. You don't know.

Unless you had a tiny registry office wedding, I cannot for the life of me imagine being so rude as to not invite an uncle/ aunt to my wedding .

Many, many people have NOT tiny weddings & don't invite uncles & aunts 🤔 it's definitely not unusual.

OP, my late DF had MND, as well as other autonomic disorders. I'm very familiar with it & very sorry for you & DH 💐

That said, I think you've projected a rationale that may not be fair. I'm not saying you are entitled to feel hurt, but rather than reacting angrily, speak to them, explain how you feel, and hear what they say.

Take care - it's a very hard situation, I know.

You shouldn't accept ableism or exclusion because you are sick or disabled .This isn't about accessibility its about basic manners .He has been sick a few years and recieved invites from people who know we can't attend but care for us enough to let us know they want us there
It would be totally inappropriate to bring a man this sick to a wedding and husband is very private and wouldn't want to be seen the way he is anyhow. Most of my circle get it and send invites regardless

Hi @WarmGreyReader

I think the cultural nuance is being lost a little on whether it's right or not to have invited you and your husband. I come from a culture where weddings are family events and parents have an input in the guest list, we also invited households not specific individuals from that family and have lots of other cultural etiquettes that wouldn't apply for my husband and his family who don't have the same as were from a different heritage.

Your BIL should have had had a conversation with you at the very least. Even if this is the brides decision or the grooms someone should have spoken to you. They know that it's not usual form to not include immediate aunts and uncles so have hedged their bets you won't make a fuss. I also think as it's your husbands side of the family and not yours and knowing he can't advocate for himself have taken that opportunity.

I'm really sorry, it's horrible and poor form. I can imagine on top of the stress and seeing your loved one deteriorate this added stress and upset is completely unnecessary.

Just read that back - sorry about the poor spelling and grammar!

Waving in Irish to you. If this happened in my family there would be blood on the moon. Appalling behaviour. Your FIL should have his toe up this boy’s arse.

Im so sorry for your troubles.

He isn't able to speak or move to have offended anyone and everyother aunt and uncle has been invited

I think to say “oh it looks like our invite got lost?” would be giving them a second chance to rectify this without actually having to address it. You wouldn’t be able to confront them with how you feel which it seems is what you want (and rightly so). I think I’d just come out with it next time he comes over. “I’m so incredibly upset that you’ve chosen not to invite us to the wedding. After everything we are going through, it is so disrespectful. I’ve decided that you’re no longer welcome in our home anymore. Please leave.”

OP, I find this a really strange thing to say:

It’s not normal in my culture to invite one brother and not invite the other brother because they are sick

Do you think there are cultures where it would be normal to exclude family members because they are sick? It’s an odd thing to say. I think it goes without saying that in every culture in the world it would be unkind and thoughtless. I wonder where you get the idea that your culture is different?

You know, it hurt my feelings enough when my whole team at work were invited to a wedding but I wasn't - the bride afterwards explained that she thought I wouldn't have been able to get childcare as I had twin toddlers at the time.

Sure it might have been true, but as she'd invited the other 8 people, it would have been nice to have had the invitation to decline or accept rather than just be snubbed.

I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

I'm too worn out to get angry .I'm mostly sad but I will gather myself and brush the sand off my shoes .I will have to address it though as im not comfortable with BIL coming into our private space when I feel he has put me in this position .All he had to do was forewarn me

To be fair, several people on here have suggested that excluding the OP and her husband is not unreasonable, so I can't blame her if she thinks that this is cultural.

I will have to address it though as im not comfortable with BIL coming into our private space when I feel he has put me in this position

I mean this kindly, but you are fighting the wrong battle here.

I do get it. It's a horrific disease.

Don't do this though - just call him, say how you feel, see what he says.

I expected more from BIL ,he has allowed me to be embarrassed
He sees what I do how I take care of his brother and we have talked about how we are isolated from society
All he had to do was warn me that we weren't invited and tell me why ,the fact he hasn't is telling me that he knows its wrong

I can't say you're in the wrong to feel very upset with...just about everything.
But the BIL continuing to visit his brother is not necessarily part of that. I kinda doubt that hes cut his brother out of any badness, not when he continues to spend time with him in what sounds like a very painful experience.
Maybe hes acting guilty cos hes ashamed his son hasnt invited his sick brother-it might not have been his choice. Or who knows, maybe the nephew put a lot of thought into it and feels too awkward to ask and put you in situation that you have to refuse or struggle to go. Perhaps this was the wrong conclusion, but again, it mightn't be coming from a bad intention. Without more communication between you, its not really easy to say who is BU here.

I’m sorry that your in pain OP and that your husband is suffering.

I do think that it is a lose lose situation in respect of inviting someone to a wedding that they cannot attend. They risk causing offence either way.
I can think of no circumstance where you would go though the charade of inviting someone to an event that they were going to have to decline. Would you have actually RSVPd to say you couldn’t attend, even though they know you couldn’t attend and you know that they know that you couldn’t attend?
You talk of etiquette but I honestly think that there is no defined etiquette to inviting someone to an event that they will be too seriously ill to go to. You personally are cross on behalf of your husband he wasn’t invited, another person may be embarrassed that they are in the position of declining an invite due to their poor health.

If you have an otherwise good relationship with your BIL then talk to him about it. Let family know you want to be invited to all gatherings as if things were normal.

Its his choice to not to give an explanation though .He doesn't even think I deserve one though obviously and knows I'm not going to upset my husband, who would tell me not to open the door to him if well
I will be lowering my expectations to zero now and erecting boundaries

My cousin sent me an invitation to her son's wedding abroad. She phoned to say that she knew that I probably couldn't come - I was working and caring for two adults at the time - but she wanted me to at least have the souvenir of the wedding.

I don't know what the reasoning is but it could have been avoided .If my child invited all my siblings but the one who is ill ,I would be apologising for them. I would not wait until their wife was told they weren't invited by strangers

I don’t necessarily think they were wrong not to invite you but they should have talked to you first and asked how to handle it.

You think the way I do about social etiquette