Husband not invited to nephews wedding because he has MND

[WarmGreyReader]

My husband has 2 brothers and one nephew , nephew is getting married and one brother has been invited but my husband has been excluded and no explanation . Father of the groom is always popping into house as husband is terminally ill with MND and i presumed we were getting an invite even if we couldn't attend . I find out that the RSVPS were last week from a stranger and was so embarrassed angry and hurt . Grooms father has given no warning or explanation but has been acting guilty around me . Seems its ok for me to be the carer of his brother but im only dirt on their feet really .I want to say something and advocate for my husband who would be livid if he knew what going on .In fact i know he would tell his brother not to visit and to leave us alone . I am keeping this information from my husband as he is too sick to understand but do not feel right about brother being in my private space when we are excluded . We are from a culture where siblings not being invited would be seen as a dreadful slur .

The OP has said in a previous post that her husband enjoys his brother's visits. Given that, the OP stopping the visits isn't in her husband's best interests.

To be honest wedding invites and politics is never a personal slight and i wouldn't take it personally.

If he isn't well enough to attend then personally I think the couple may have just decided not to invite to save any insult or offence caused by inviting you both as it seems you have taken this so personally they could have feared you would take equal offence at being invited - like it was insensitive.

Also it may be upsetting having someone they love so clearly so poorly at the event which may not be accessible for them. Causing distress on all sides.

It's awful you are hurting so much and o could not begin to understand how much grief you must be experiencing. However people sometimes act in ways we don't understand but I would try not to let it anger you as if they did not want to invite you then it is not worth the worry

You are in my honest opinion directing anger and resentment at the wrong place.

To people who think it's not the BIL's fault. Yes, he didn't get to decide who's invited so that is not his fault. He could, however, have let his SIL know what was happening so she didn't have to find out from strangers. He visits often so he could have done that and it's cowardly - at the very least - that he didn't.

To people who say that not everyone invites aunts and uncles to their wedding and that they aren't owed an explanation. True, but OP made it clear in her post that in her culture they do invite aunts and uncles and more than that, the other BIL is invited so it's just her and her husband who have been left out. That's rude, harsh, unfair and unkind not least because they must know that OP and her terminally ill husband are unlikely to be able to attend. If they didn't want to send an invite they could have said we would so love you to be there but please let us know if that's not going to be possible, we don't want to stress you with an invite that might be uspetting. No invite but letting them know that they are important to the nephew. The nephew was close to OP's DH so it would have cost him nothing to either send an invite or speak to him or OP.

OP, I really feel for you and I think you have been treated very poorly. I think you are going to have to find a way to forgive your BIL for the foreseeable at least because it means a lot to your DH to spend time with him. By that I don't mean pretend nothing has happened. Have it out with him for your own peace of mind. As for the nephew, well you don't have to have anything to do with him and that is no bad thing. I hope you're not thinking of sending a card/gift because they truly do not deserve anything at all from you.

Of course wedding invitations can be a personal slight.

I even did it my own wedding. I deliberately didn’t invite people who had distanced themselves even though I knew they would kick off. I was glad when they kicked off.

And I didn’t invite a family friend who didn’t invite us to her wedding. She moaned she was slighted too. Good!

What is it that you would ideally like to happen next? - What could make things 'better'?

That’s horrible. I am sorry you and your DH were treated like that at such a difficult time OP and your hurt feelings are very understandable.

Even if they thought OP and her DH couldn't attend, it's not in any way rubbing in someone's face that they can't. A short cover note with the invite saying "It would be wonderful if you could join us in celebrating...we completely understand if you are unable to attend "
That's just good manners.

This is a very good post.

So is it obvious to everyone that he wouldn't be able to go? In which case maybe they didn't want to be all WE'RE HAVING A PARTY WE KNOW YOU CAN'T COME TO.

I do wonder if this might be the answer? I completely agree that it’s dreadful etiquette - but it may have been a misguided attempt to spare your DH’s feelings. That said, I can completely understand why you’re upset and would feel the same - but some people are odd about illness and death, which leads them to behave in ways which they shouldn’t.

I can think of two examples of this off the top of my head. One is my own mother, who is completely unable to talk about serious illness or death. Everything is couched in euphemisms. She phoned me up in genuine shock when her neighbour, aged 102, had died. And she can’t deal with it. A friend of hers was terminally ill. And my mother was quite beside herself worrying about it and thinking about it…..but couldn’t actually bring herself to go and see her before she died. I’m sure her friend’s family thought she didn’t really care (as I’d have done in their shoes), but she agonised over when she should go, what she might say, how she might react….to the point that she left it too late. And then agonised over that too.

Secondly, a friend of mine lost a relative to suicide at a very young age. It was very public and utterly tragic. And she said to me that what she had found most upsetting was that people would cross the street to avoid her. She said “I know it’s because they don’t know what to say and they don’t want to upset me. But nothing could upset me more than the loss I’ve already had and it made it feel ten times worse to think people were avoiding me.” This has stuck with me and I now always try to acknowledge people’s loss, even if I struggle to find the words. But maybe your nephew and his fiancée are out of the “street crossing” camp. They don’t want to invite their uncle to something that they know he can’t come to, because they think it might make them look insensitive. Whereas in reality, what you’ve (understandably) found insensitive is being left out.

I agree with your friend - raise it with your BIL as gently as you can manage. If it’s similar to any of the scenarios I’ve outlined, you might be able to open up the conversation and sort things out enough to heal some of the wounds.

Just awful.

I’d be inclined to have some sort of pact that only those who have been there for your DH and been kind can come and pay their respects when the time comes. They can’t treat you like this and expect to get away with it.

You keep mentioning your culture - is your husbands family from the same backround?

This is often not the case.

However, it may be that it is different in your culture and the groom's father is given a say.

I'm sorry @WarmGreyReader and I agree entirely with you.

We are farming stock, rural community, tight knit.

I say that as explaining as to how a wedding, christening etc invite would go here.

Yes invites were posted, but for those unwell, especially family, we would go and see. Deliver it. Or if that was impossible say for distance then ask another family member to.

We would discuss it with you, our aunt!!?? And see what you would be comfortable with.

Invite, delivered.
I'm sorry we cannot come. Ok. Can we send you a link to ceremony? Crikey it's standard nowadays. Even here.
Then photos, flowers from table, favours.

I don't get it, I think you should raise it, and whilst I appreciate care arrangements may prohibit perhaps you would have liked, or tried to attend part.

Wishing you peace. Badly handled but I hope you can reach an understanding.

The OP has said in a previous post that her husband enjoys his brother's visits. Given that, the OP stopping the visits isn't in her husband's best interests.

I wasn't aware of previous posts. In this one OP says specifically that she is going against her husband's wishes, and that she daren't tell him what's happened because he'll be so hurt and tell her to lock the door.

Young people with no experience of sickness and suffering and no knowledge of etiquette can do really insensitive things. My favourite aunt was dying of pancreatic cancer and a couple of the younger members of the family (her great nieces in their 20s) sent her 'Get Well Soon' cards with cheery messages hoping she was feeling better just a few days before she died in great discomfort. They knew what was wrong with her and that she didn't have long to live when they sent the cards.

For all you know your BIL may have urged his son to send you an invitation and your nephew may have refused. I would tackle the nephew rather than his father. Perhaps the nephew thought that you'd be offended by an invitation to an event you couldn't possibly attend. If he had invited you I wonder whether you might have been posting furiously on here about his insensitivity at inviting you to the wedding when he knew you and your husband couldn't attend.

MND is a dreadful disease and I can only imagine the agony of watching your DH's suffering. I get that, I really do, and my thoughts go out to you and your DH.

I'd honestly be going with being straight about it. The very least they could have done is give you a heads up. That way you wouldn't have been embarrassed, and it could have avoided a lot of awkwardness for the others as well.

I don't know why you don't just ask. You are making lots of assumptions without really knowing why you weren't invited. I've been on the receiving end of enough misunderstandings in my life to know that those sleighted rarely consider that they might have misjudged a situation. Just ask the nephew directly, and stop blaming his dad.

My SIL did this. A culture where all family is expected to be invited. She just decided to leave some people off, no warning. The outcome was a huge family fallout. 12 years later most family still don't speak to her. SIL still thinks she's in the right, though, because this is the kind of bitch person she is. It's not about you, but their selfish lack of care.

I've been humiliated with this new policy of exclusion, so I no longer speak to them except a polite hello if forced. Recently left off a family member's 21st - the only local family to be left off, no reason except selfishness. Her (paying) parents and grandparents were embarrassed and angry, but no one told the girl to pull her head in. So parents have a responsibility to guide, too. Your BIL should speak up.

Husband has very little to look forward to
When MND comes everyone goes .

You know it's not your brother in laws fault don't you. Re the invite maybe their felt you enough on your hands.

His father was aware this was going to happen and I don't understand how he thought he'd get away with not saying anything .I guess it is like what one poster said ,I am not family just the carer

Oh how absolutely blind, I'm sorry OP.

I think you are looking too much into it ,I am feeling hurt used and have been put in a position where I put up or shut up Though i am not in a position of power I have enough self esteem not to accept when disrespected .I have been the better person and resolved issues so that noone has regrets .
I am a positive person with good mental health and love my husband ,the caring role is very difficult but I pull through .This incident has set me back mentally but I will prevail as being insulted is not important in the bigger context .I am genuinely shocked that I wouldn't be automatically invited. In my culture it is even considered that you don't need an invite as siblings are automatically invited
I am a lucky person that I had the relationship I did with my husband and I'm not used to dealing with toxicity

When invites are given out the bride groom and parents have an input in my culture .Noone has said there's malicious intent ,its the cowardice and disregard for my husband and me thats the issue here .

We have been invited to his siblings weddings so this is an abrupt turn in etiquette. I don't know the bride and its not her bad ,she has been a diva with excluding children and demanding that party take a week off ,I doubt insulting her husbands sick uncle is on her radar