Husband not invited to nephews wedding because he has MND

[WarmGreyReader]

My husband has 2 brothers and one nephew , nephew is getting married and one brother has been invited but my husband has been excluded and no explanation . Father of the groom is always popping into house as husband is terminally ill with MND and i presumed we were getting an invite even if we couldn't attend . I find out that the RSVPS were last week from a stranger and was so embarrassed angry and hurt . Grooms father has given no warning or explanation but has been acting guilty around me . Seems its ok for me to be the carer of his brother but im only dirt on their feet really .I want to say something and advocate for my husband who would be livid if he knew what going on .In fact i know he would tell his brother not to visit and to leave us alone . I am keeping this information from my husband as he is too sick to understand but do not feel right about brother being in my private space when we are excluded . We are from a culture where siblings not being invited would be seen as a dreadful slur .

My late partner had MND and I know how excluding it can be. I got no support from his family, they were all in denial.

I think @CJsGoldfish (excellent user name!) hasn't missed the point at all, she's nailed what you are glossing over, @WarmGreyReader

You are feeling hurt, rejected, othered and overlooked. You feel your DH has been abandonned by his family as no longer a person worth including.

CJ's pointed out there are other motivations that could apply to their actions and, without talking to them, you are putting the worst construction on their motives and hurting yourself in the process.

I'm desperately sorry for the pain you are your DH are going through. I wish you nothing but the best. I do think you might be lashing out where there's no need to be in this case, but if I were run down be being a carer for a loved one with MND, I might do the same.

I think you have to analyse this carefully.
First if all, as many posters have said, the grooms father is not responsible for the guest list.
Secondly It is just possible you were both excluded from the invite list because it is recognised that you couldn’t attend. BUT an invite would have been nice. On the other hand does an invitation mean a present is expected? Were the couple trying to save you from that expectation?
Thirdly - why do you think you are “dirt under their feet” for caring for YOUR husband. Do you think that now he is so poorly the responsibility passes back to his blood relatives?
And finally why do you want to prevent your husbands brother from visiting? Surely not because you have not been invited to a wedding? You say your husband doesn’t understand exactly what is happening, so why would you deny him access to his brother? Even if your husband is too poorly to recognise his brother, he must be a source of support?

You have a really difficult life, all carers sacrifice their lives and most people have nothing but admiration for these hidden carers, but do try not to let resentment over trivia, actually make your life even worse.

My brother has MND too. We had a family event at the weekend and dsil came with the children. We felt it was important for them to be there even though I’m sure it must have been so difficult for her attending without him. Maybe this was their thinking, that it might be difficult for you, or the other way round-difficult for them!? I dunno, I have found some people weird about his illness, they don’t know how to respond.
Hugs to you ❤️

This is what I think.

Some people would be offended to receive an invite in such circumstances and think that the inviter clearly didn't have a CLUE as to what was going in the ill person's life.

I guess you'd have to be in the position

You have every right to be hurt and upset but the most important thing at the moment is for your dh to be supported by people who love him.
If he was well he might completely agree with you and your feelings but it’s not in his best interests for there to be a rift between you all now. Let him end his days in ignorance of everything, enjoying the comfort and love of all his family, despite some bad behaviour on their part.
Yanbu to be upset and embarrassed though. Just be careful dh isn’t affected by it all.

Condolences on you loss. I've figured that people don't like being around sick people, most will ignore avoid to self preserve .Ive been told outstraight by some of his friends that they want to remember him as he was and the person was just being honest.
Its easier support a person that will die quickly

I agree with you .I won't let my husband know as he doesn't need to be worried and I will continue to accommodate their relationship

Tell them to F. O.
You're leaving yr estate to MND and Cats protection.
Think they'll get the message.

I've not said I don't want his brother to visit or would stop visits .My priority is my husband and his family wouldn't be capable of doing a day of what I do .If I wasnt here they would have him in a carehome or hospital in 24hrs .They don't appreciate the level of work I do as I make it look easy and I am always positive for their sakes .I expected a little respect is all .

I get what you are saying. I am hurt that I wasnt told we weren't invited, I overestimated my position

You seem more consumed with perception of the community and other people. You mention shame and embarrasment a lot and these things just lead to bitterness.

The bride and groom may think that inviting you when they know your wouldn't be able to attend, was just fishing for a gift.

This one incident shouldn't make you feel they the family don't appreciate what you're doing for their brother.

Looking after a terminally ill person is hard. One of my parents has dementia ..its very hard and is getting worse every week, yet I know it's not a patch on MND.

So try and get support and respite for yourself.

They should have called you to at least explain or to say, we would love for you to be there but understand if it’s not possible. A simple phone call was all they had to do.

This is so sad.

I’d ask BIL why you’re not invited and why you weren’t fore warned!

I would tell brother in law that this would break your husbands heart and is breaking yours! Tell him how your feel…

I would detach completely and not send nephew a card or present! He doesn’t deserve it

If it's considered in your culture that you don't need an invite as siblings are automatically invited, why would you consider that you needed an invite?

I would be hurt too, they could've handled this so much better by either just posting an invite or asking if you thought your DH would appreciate seeing an invite even though he/you wouldn't be attending - it's not nice to be disregarded especially at a difficult time. I hope they've just been thoughtless rather than not wanting someone end of life there.

good point

I don’t know a polite way to say this - but OP you sound unhinged. You are talking about wanting to ban his brother from seeing him because you weren’t invited to an event you had no intention of attending that is being organised by someone else. I know you said you wouldn’t, but simply wanting to isolate him from his brother to me says you are not ok. Your reaction is hugely disproportional (I seriously doubt your nephew is delighting in images of you both feeling rejected - he is most likely trying to new considerate, even if he has got it wrong for you).

Is your husband receiving palliative care? Do you have respite assistance? Being a carer is exhausting. Watching your husband become progressively more limited in what he can do is heart breaking. You sound tired, scared, and alone. You both need support - and I suspect you aren’t getting the support you need. Your comments make me suspect you are trying to do this all on your own. It’s not clear whether that is because there is no help available, or because you see it as the loving thing to do to care for him without support. I’d there odd a service or charity you can reach out to for help take it! Get support for your husband and support for yourself.

I’m so sorry your husband is so unwell, what an incredibly difficult time
for you. Of course they should have invited you to the wedding.
We Knew that my husband’s Grandmother would be too unwell to come
to our wedding but hoped his Aunt who cared for her might be able to come. We sent them a an invitation knowing that the answer would be no but they really appreciated the invitation and the thought.
It’s the thought that counts!
I hope you can have a calm conversation with your BIL and express the hurt you feel and the embarrassment caused by not knowing.

Really? My FIL wouldn't have had a clue. Apart from knowing where he needed to be and what time he wouldn't have been able to tell you any info whatsoever

No, I'm really not but I can understand you not wanting to address my post. The lack of response can be the response sometimes.

Regardless, I AM sorry you are feeling the way you are