Husband not invited to nephews wedding because he has MND

[WarmGreyReader]

My husband has 2 brothers and one nephew , nephew is getting married and one brother has been invited but my husband has been excluded and no explanation . Father of the groom is always popping into house as husband is terminally ill with MND and i presumed we were getting an invite even if we couldn't attend . I find out that the RSVPS were last week from a stranger and was so embarrassed angry and hurt . Grooms father has given no warning or explanation but has been acting guilty around me . Seems its ok for me to be the carer of his brother but im only dirt on their feet really .I want to say something and advocate for my husband who would be livid if he knew what going on .In fact i know he would tell his brother not to visit and to leave us alone . I am keeping this information from my husband as he is too sick to understand but do not feel right about brother being in my private space when we are excluded . We are from a culture where siblings not being invited would be seen as a dreadful slur .

In my culture basic manners do not change ,there are norms that just aren't broken .The marriage is not about the bride and groom and there are certain expectations. The bride and groom will be frowned on and seen as rude and untrustworthy. I will be seen as the victim of bad manners and ill rearing Thats not what I want .I just want to care for my LO and not have extra upset 😞 I want my LO to be treated correctly, this situation need not have been one ,but it has shown me that we are not valued and that increases the negative feelings that come with caring .

I feel that I am only valued as a carer that its grand for me to keep their brother out of a carehome because it makes them look good but when it comes to being a part of the family we are non existent now .I feel used and erased

I feel used and erased

OP, your feelings are not invalid. My DM had similar feelings when caring for my DF.

But it's wider than the wedding.

Talk to them, calmly. Say how you feel. Don't brood on these feelings & invent motivation that you don't know is true.

LO is so sick that we don't know how long we have together and take each month as it comes .I feel that the grieving process is made more difficult when others have given up on him .We don't exist as full human beings to some it seems .Im too proud to ask that we not be excluded

Thank you for understanding and being perceptive .This situation is hurting me a lot more than them ,im here brooding and they arent even aware

This situation is hurting me a lot more than them ,im here brooding and they arent even aware

I really do get that. My DM carried a lot of grief & upset at how she (& my dad) were treated when he was ill, and how little support she got from her own family.

She didn't say anything, either.

My dad is deceased now, and my mum is very angry, very bitter - and it's affected her relationship with us (her DC).

If you can, I'd say straight out how you feel.

Again, I'm very sorry for what you are experiencing. I know it's a lonely path. ❤️

But the other brother was invited. They never even knew the date of the wedding. They've sneaked around behind their back and not said anything. Even if they can't go it's the thought that counts. Instead of just oh they won't come anyway so we won't waste an invite on them.

@WarmGreyReader Is this ALS as it is called in North America" Lou Gerrigs. Shame on them.. shame on them for excluding him from the wedding and shame on them for not helping you take care of your wonderful husband. It is a horrible disease. but you got him!!! I have had a friend pass last year. It was brutal on his kids and wife. You are a strong woman. Don't worry about these arseholes and cut complete contact as soon as you can. Not worth your time or energy

Hi OP. Feeling hurt about this on top of all the other stress that you are feeling is completely reasonable.

There is no "right way" to handle exclusion, especially when it has been so unnecessary. Weddings are so complicated nowadays because they are so expensive. Even if they thought an invitation would cause you pain because you couldn't attend... they could have spoken to you first. You were always going to find out.

I hope you have the chance to have a big cry about it to show your hurt to BIL about being excluded and show how hard it has been. It isn't his fault that you weren't invited but he could have spoken to your husband rather than blindsiding you.

Being a carer is incredibly isolating. You’re totally right to feel angry about lots of things, and like the world doesn’t understand how you’re feeling or how much pain you’re in because most people don’t get it.

Tell your BIL you know it isn’t his fault but you feel hurt. Then leave it at that. It’s not worth all the energy and the damaged relationships to make a big deal out of it now.

You HARDLY reported that?

I am the EXACT opposite.... I'd be upset at not being invited as someone had decided what my access needs were...

Surely it is good to have the 'choice' of attending??

Surely this is othering people with disabilities?

If the disability meant on a good day attending was an option yes invite but if the person is receiving round the clock care and bed bound I would see it as not recognising the severity of the illness and the day to day struggle with life. My grandmother had advanced dementia when my cousin got married and at that time she was conscious for about 30 minutes 2 or 3 times a day. She didn't get an invitation the bride was part of the collective effort to keep her at home using carers 4 times a day and relatives too. For me a wedding invitation would be making a mockery of this. When attending a wedding is so so far from possible I see it as another reminder of parts of life that just aren't possible any more and I know that it would have caused my grandmother great upset to know there was a wedding she was missing as she loved them and it would be another reminder of something that dementia had robbed from her.

The comments from people with lived experience who feel differently to you and me are hugely worthwhile, OP.

Perhaps the best thing is to ask the person or their carer whether invitations would be welcomed, or not?

Its just part of the stigma that hurts the sick and disabled. People making decisions on their behalf and not seeing them as full human beings .Its absolutely 'othering' and 'ableism' .

I havnt seen the comments that were removed but they must be in violation of rules

Yes ALS ,We have enough to deal with without being excluded by family

How did you find out from 'a stranger'? Why would a stranger be talking to you about a wedding that coincidentally happened to be your DHs nephew? And, if it was a stranger, the level of humiliation and embarrassment seems so disproportionate because it's a stranger who I assume you'll never run into again.

The bride and groom will be frowned on and seen as rude and untrustworthy. I will be seen as the victim of bad manners and ill rearing
The BIL obviously cares for his brother as he's always popping in to see him so , if the above were true, why would he risk this shame? Aside from that, how would anyone at the wedding actually know there was no invitation?
The marriage is not about the bride and groom and there are certain expectations
Is the bride to be of the same culture? Perhaps this generation doesn't want to follow the same cultural norms where the marriage isn't about them. That doesn't sound unreasonable. You just don't know because you've just assumed it's all about putting you in your place

You've decided how the BIL feels and why the invitation wasn't forthcoming. You've not spoken very nicely about the nephew or the bride so you are clearly not close and if they are not following the usual expectations and I suspect they are not by your crack at the no kids rule, that is surely the most likely explanation?.
You need to have a conversation with the BIL. Don't punish your DH and BIL because you are hurt and embarrassed. If you are going to accuse them of all sorts, at least confirm it first 🤷‍♀️

Hes still a member of my family and they love him and consider him their brother
.

You are missing the point .

I think it's really shitty and if it were my son I'd express extreme disappointment at no invite to their uncle and make sure I stressed the fact that I was incredibly let down by it. That is exactly how he should be dealing with it. I think it's a cop out saying it's nothing to do with the brother ( grooms father).

I would say something to brother myself. I'd express my extreme hurt at the lack of an invite, how it feels incredibly cruel. I know not all families are close but from your posts I believe your husband most definitely would have expected one based on family closeness.

People really are utterly selfish, particularly when you're at your lowest ebb. It's a very difficult realisation when you want to be embraced by family at a time like this more than ever. Your feelings are valid! 💐

I am so sorry Op. Their behaviour is appalling!
Basic good manners in this situation are to invite you, even if they are aware that in all likelihood you will decline the invitation.
We did exactly the same for a few members of my husbands family who were very elderly and two members of my family who lived abroad. We knew that they were very unlikely to be able to attend but gave them the option because it was important to formally give them the opportunity to make their own decision about whether or not they would attend. Any other behaviour is at best bad manners and at worst risks hurt feelings and fallout.
MND removes the patients capacity to do so much, it is not the job of the family to remove any small element of choice the concerned parties may have, even under the guise of not wanting to pressure you. They have absolutely done the wrong thing and your brother in law knows it!

So sorry for your situation , this is very hurtful. I would distance myself from these people in the future . If your husband wants his Brother to continue to visit I would be civil but keep communication with him minimal. I hope you have friends and other family who are more supportive and inclusive.