Husband not invited to nephews wedding because he has MND

[WarmGreyReader]

My husband has 2 brothers and one nephew , nephew is getting married and one brother has been invited but my husband has been excluded and no explanation . Father of the groom is always popping into house as husband is terminally ill with MND and i presumed we were getting an invite even if we couldn't attend . I find out that the RSVPS were last week from a stranger and was so embarrassed angry and hurt . Grooms father has given no warning or explanation but has been acting guilty around me . Seems its ok for me to be the carer of his brother but im only dirt on their feet really .I want to say something and advocate for my husband who would be livid if he knew what going on .In fact i know he would tell his brother not to visit and to leave us alone . I am keeping this information from my husband as he is too sick to understand but do not feel right about brother being in my private space when we are excluded . We are from a culture where siblings not being invited would be seen as a dreadful slur .

Are you close to your nephew generally, is he marrying someone from the same culture?

I have been to many weddings where only those who have a level regular involvement with the bride/groom have been invited. This has meant that aunts and uncles, cousins etc haven’t been invited.

I think it would have been kinder for your nephew to speak to you first, if you are fairly close.

Why is your BIL involved here?

You were brought up the same way i was . I wouldn't even consider not asking someone because they were ill and i know how it feels on the receiving end now
The happy couple dont think theyll ever be in the situation , and i wouldnt wish it on my worse enemy

OP I think you and your husband have been treated dreadfully and I’m sorry that it’s happened.

I disagree with others who think its not down to brother in law who his son invites to the wedding. I have had this conversation with my own daughter. She wants to exclude my husband’s sister. Now I don’t have a brilliant relationship with my SIL but I’ll be damned if I see her left out. It would be extremely hurtful and I told my daughter I would pay for her aunt to be there . For context there is no rift between them, daughter is just being a tight arse.

Because he is the father of the groom . He will have been party to invites and to the decision not to invite .

OP, respectfully, you sound like you’re confusing a lot of different things — your husband not being invited to his nephew’s wedding, whose fault that is, the fact that you’re blaming someone who isn’t the bride or groom for the lack of invitation, the fact that you make huge sacrifices to be your husband’s carer, so you should be invited — are you saying you want to attend, or would attend without your husband? If your BIL is around at your house often to see his brother, doesn’t that suggest he values him and is unlikely to be behind the lack of invitation, and is possibly mortified about it but doesn’t know how to bring it up?

I’m so sorry your husband has this horrible condition. Best wishes to you both.

Not necessarily. My parents were not consulted on who was invited to my wedding.

Perhaps he was aware, has been arguing with his son over it hoping to change his mind and now is unsure how to handle the fact his son has gone ahead with not inviting you.

You need to speak to him before assuming he was fully on board and aware.

I wonder if they think he's too ill to come and so are avoiding the difficult topic by just not inviting him?

It may be they are excluding him, and you, and the whole thing does stink, but people become very awkward and embarrassed and not know the right thing to do around ill and very ill people, and I wonder if that's what's going on.

I would speak with the brother if he visits anyway and see if you can understand their thought processes, it may be they thought it kinder this way, although it is not.

Really? Because in most cultures nobody has a say in who gets invited other than the couple getting married. There are often family members who Think they should have a say because of old traditions, but these days don't. My own parents thought their own best man had to be invited because it's tradition, but it didn't happen.

And you're ignoring the posters who are saying that it might not be malicious, rather that they know you won't be able to attend and so might not want to flaunt a party when you are already having a tough time. Is it possible that they are not being deliberately thoughtless and that your brother in law is an innocent party here?

Nephew seems to be very selfish in general and perhaps his parents are embarrassed at his decision but he was as close as anyone else to my husband and took advantage of opportunities to showboat on his successes. Now that his uncle is sick he is seen as useless and one foot in the grave . My issue is that i wasnt prepared for it and have been embarrassed and humiliated in front of strangers

Sympathies o/p, families can be awful.

we’ve had years of not being invited to family events, finding out after the party and been told “oh we didn’t think you’d be able to come”.

it’s shitty. I will always extend the invite, and not take offence if it’s turned down for any reason.

we were also not invited to nephews wedding last summer. Not only that but we weren’t invited because they needed someone to look after sil and nephews pets 😂

That’s awful, how can people be so cruel.

Its etiquette , you do not exclude a terminally ill person from a wedding . If you are then you ought to have the manners to tell them why . Unfortunately theres social codes that some just dont get because they were brought up differently .
Its seriously a no no to do this and if you dont get it theres no point in explaining x

the only innocent is the poor man thats dying

Are you sure he will have been party to the invitation list? My mother in law didn’t see the invitation list for our wedding.

My dad had MND so I get what you are going through and why you feel so hurt. It is horrible to see someone you love suffering from such a terrible illness, but also horrible to see how they become almost dehumanised in the eyes of others as they become less able to do things (but inside they are just the same as before). People are shit around illness and disability- it’s as though their own fear and awkwardness makes it impossible for them to reflect on how the other person may be feeling (or the fact they still have feelings).

It would have been much better if the nephew had sent an invitation saying something like “we know it may not be possible for you to come but we wanted to know that we would love to be able to have you there”.

My dad wasn’t able to leave the house much in the last year of his life but it made a big difference to him to know people were thinking of him and trying to include him as much as they could.

Need to say to brother that you feel hurt and as if your DH is being views as already dead. Have no qualms about saying this and leave him to absorb and process that. Horrible for you OP, hope you can think about what you do have and have shared with your DH, the others sound unpleasant, selfish and in denial.

I am so sorry this is happening, OP.

I don’t think the lack of an invitation reflects sensitivity. Surely the sensitive thing is to invite you, perhaps with a personal note to say you are being thought of but we understand that you are in a difficult situation; please don’t stress.

I think the lack of invitation reflects someone’s discomfort with your DH’s illness and it absolutely sucks.

I was pretty sick a few years back there, people kept inviting me to things and I found it draining , like I was expected to attend, and then I had to explain why I couldn't. I would rather not have been invited tbh.

People are all very different, and maybe the nephew is just trying not to give you an additional task to do while you're caring for your husband.

That doesn't mean your feelings are wrong at all, but it doesn't mean the nephew hasn't invited you because he's an arsehole either.

It's probably just a communication issue that could have been handled better.

I’m so sorry for you and your dh, MND is a cruel disease.

I think it’s bad karma for your nephew. I would tell the brother that as your nephew considers his uncle effectively already dead, you extend the same treatment. Nephew is dead to you due to the offense and you wish no blessings on their marriage.

This is what I thought.

Perhaps they would think it would be insensitive to send you a formal invite to something you definitely wouldn't be able to attend - some people perhaps would be more upset by that.

Maybe they felt stuck at what to do and this is what they thought would be best?

I'm so sorry and I do feel the brother is partly to blame here as he has kept this secret from you. What a horrible thing to do. They should have had a conversation with you about how you could be included in the wedding, even if you couldn't come. Presumably you could have arranged for someone else to care for your DH if he is too ill to attend, so they you could have represented him?

People just don't have empathy and manners . They dont understand or care that we are isolated as it is because of the illness , many do not want disabled people at events because it would ruin their photographs . I agree that if you dont get it then theres no point , you arent the sort of person i want in my life Unfortunately my husband enjoys his brother visiting and i would be the worst in the world if i prevented it . I dont feel comfortable with people like that in my private space though so caught between a rock and a hard place . Caring for a severely ill person is psychologically and physically draining , i feel like i am an easy target .Thankfully my friends and family understand and are upset for me and they support me but this sort of treatment could put someone over the edge

OP I'm so so sorry you are going through this. I'm going to disagree with posters who think this was done for your benefit. That's absolute bollocks. Unless there was a back story where your DH snd his nephew didn't get along (which there isn't) then it was a very nasty thing not to invite you. I'm assuming it's obviously not a tiny wedding either with only 20 guests or something like that. I'd also be fuming with your BIL in your shoes.

Im sure he is mortified but he should have been mortified enough to let me know so i wouldn't be embarrassed hearing it from strangers .Im a very open person and have had my own children embarrass me but i wouldnt excuse bad behavior . How do you expect that he could come into my private space and be so hidden and cowardly .I know my husband would tell me to lock the door on them if he knew , he wouldnt want him upsetting when he should be protecting. I am going against my husband by having anything to do with them as they have hurt him in the past .Its difficult to explain but i had to make a decision to forgive them so that they could spend time with their brother , seems that i am the one doing all the accommodating and im just getting poison arrows