Husband not invited to nephews wedding because he has MND

[WarmGreyReader]

My husband has 2 brothers and one nephew , nephew is getting married and one brother has been invited but my husband has been excluded and no explanation . Father of the groom is always popping into house as husband is terminally ill with MND and i presumed we were getting an invite even if we couldn't attend . I find out that the RSVPS were last week from a stranger and was so embarrassed angry and hurt . Grooms father has given no warning or explanation but has been acting guilty around me . Seems its ok for me to be the carer of his brother but im only dirt on their feet really .I want to say something and advocate for my husband who would be livid if he knew what going on .In fact i know he would tell his brother not to visit and to leave us alone . I am keeping this information from my husband as he is too sick to understand but do not feel right about brother being in my private space when we are excluded . We are from a culture where siblings not being invited would be seen as a dreadful slur .

Obviously we cannot attend as he has MND and is in the advancing stages but thats not the point . He would have been invited if he was well

This all sounds very fraught, which is hardly surprising, as you must be exhausted, stressed and very sad. If that’s what you’d prefer, bring it up civilly with your BIL, by saying you’d just discovered your DH hadn’t been invited to the wedding, and see what he says.

Would you feel any better if he says he hadn’t mentioned it because his son thought it was kinder not to issue an invitation that looked as if it was rubbing your DH’s nose in the fact that he couldn’t attend, and he didn’t want to upset you by bringing it to your attention?

I mean, you may not agree with his reasoning, or the bride and groom’s reasoning, but it’s possible it’s not malicious.

I totally understand why you are hurt and angry.

I don't pretend to know what it's like to care for an ill person, but I wouldn't go in guns blazing about this.

I would explain how hurt and excluded I felt and ask why you haven't been invited.

See what they say. Depending on how they answer this question, i would decide whether it was a genuine "oversight" i.e. itcould've been that they felt you had enough on your plate. Not that that excuses them, but people can be odd and not know what to do for the best when someone is dying.

I am sorry that your husband is so unwell op. MND is cruel.
I'm surprised at the people who don't think that the parents of the bride and groom in a traditional wedding have no voice on the guest list. I don't think it would be appropriate to speak to the bride and groom as they are the level down, iyswim but certainly ask your BIL. Don't be embarrassed, the shame is on them, not you.

But he could have explained that to me , instead he allowed me to be embarrassed and hurt in front of strangers .Thats just not a nice thing to do

I'm struggling to understand why you are getting so worked up when you say you "obviously" cannot attend. Maybe they thought an invite, when by the sounds of it your husband is not anywhere near being in a fit state to go, would be rubbing it in his face

You are trying to justify your own decisions . Whats happened is an insult , they will be the first with crocodile tears at at funeral

Why are some trying to minimise what @WarmGreyReader has said and what she has explained very clearly. What you would do or not in your circumstances is irrelevant. She has stated that in her culture they both should have been invited and the decision to attend or not left up to them. So the other healthy and well uncle/brother has been invited but the one who is ill has not.
As for the father of the groom, why has that brother avoided the subject? He has no backbone. To leave it so you heard it from others is cruel and heartless. You should tell him you know, the sooner the better.
@WarmGreyReader your feelings are justified and valid. You certainly don't need this stress along with everything else you are going through.

One of my friends said to use that approach . My inclination is just to be straight out and ask why he allowed me to be embarrassed and didn't let me know . They have been talking about this wedding for weeks and all the time i stupidly presumed we were included . Maybe i didnt realise that once you get dying you arent a useful person anymore

Nothing to add, but MND is a bastard disease. Hugs.💐

@Autumnleavesss I can understand OP wanting an invitation, as reassurance that people wish you could attend

I can also understand the bride and groom thinking (rightly or wrongly) that sending an invitation is tactless when of course they can't attend

But I really sympathise with OP finding out by chance. That's humiliating

Are your children invited?

I'm very sorry about your husband

I've been a carer for a dying man and family visits were so important.

I hope you can find a way to raise this with your brother-in-law that won't make him feel awkward about visiting

Could you just tell him you were hurt by the lack of an invitation and would really appreciate one, and ask him to talk to DN?

I hope things work out as well as possible.

Oh i do not want an invite now , its too late , they've made a decision and it has consequences and the BIL was fully aware that it would cause upset and distress and could have apologized for the rudeness of the happy couple .His sons reputation has been severely damaged and if they are managing their lives like this in the future i cant see the marraige lasting

But are you more concerned about your own embarrassment or your husband not being invited? They seem to me two separate things, one far more serious. You say you haven’t told him about the lack of invitation — isn’t he going to find out at some point?

My uncle died of mnd and my partner works in mnd research. I am also disabled.
I would never invite anyone to an event that they weren't realistic to attend and if someone invited me to an event I was unable to attend either because I was unable to get there or if the venue wasn't accessible to those with disabilities which is a very real problem with weddings venues I would be very offended. You are offended with the lack on invitation. It's an impossible situation for those doing the inviting. You are projecting that the lack of invitation is as a personal slight to you. I would have a chat with someone involved in the guest list and see what the intentions were. You might find that they were trying to save you from hurt rather than cause you hurt.

Its wedding of the year seemingly and it looks like the bride doesn't want children or the disabled attending .Its a bit abnormal for men to be divas about weddings so i can only assume that hes been told what to do and comply .My issue isnt the wedding , its that my husband was disregarded because he is too sick and there a person coming into his space that could have at least advocated for him

When my oldest friend got married she rang her Grandad on the morning on the service to ask if her Nan (who had dementia) was coming. They'd already had an invite but because of Nan's illness they couldn't say for certain if they could go. Her Nan did come in the end, and despite not remembering much of why she was there, it was right she was there. It doesn't matter what disability a person has, they can't be left out.

I would also airily say, oh, bloody Royal Mail, they must have lost our invitation! and see your DHs relatives squirm. Then I'd have it out with them.

Not acceptable.

@WarmGreyReader
You're completely justified in feeling angry.
An invite with an extra note asking you not to feel pressured to attend if DH condition doesn't allow it would have made you feel you and your husband are included.
Some people are thoughtless.

I am so sorry this has happened. I don't know the solution, but I want to say it sounds like your husband is very fortunate to have someone as kind as you in his life.

Nope, that's a lame excuse.

Of course you are upset, but no one I know who is married involved their parents in invitations. Maybe when parents used to pay, but doesn't seem as common now. I also think it is off to blame the bride because men aren't usually divas. I'm sure they agreed together. It also doesn't mean their marriage won't last either.

I personally would assume that maybe they thought the invitation might upset you both, remind you that he can't do those things anymore. They still should have spoken to you, but right now you are working off a lot of assumptions.

Sorry OP, this is awful. I would have personally given the invite and said absolutely no pressure whatsoever to come if it's not possible but we wanted you to be invited.

First of all, I'm so sorry that your husband is terminally ill. It must be incredibly difficult for you.

I agree that it's shitty not to get an invitation even if they were aware you wouldn't be able to go.

My dad is in the advanced stages of a progressively disabling condition. He's in a care home and needs round-the-clock nursing care; he can't do anything at all for himself and he can't stay awake for long periods. He absolutely could not manage to attend a wedding. But when my niece got married, she still invited him because she's a decent human being who was aware that to send an invitation just to my mum, without including my dad, would be a horrible thing to do. He's still a member of the family and even with the full expectation that he couldn't attend, sending him an invitation was showing him (and my mum) that he is still loved and thought of just as much as he ever was. Not including him in the invitations would have been akin to acting as if he no longer exists.

I feel bad for you and your husband. I'm not sure it would be 'normal' in any culture though to be honest.