Husband not invited to nephews wedding because he has MND

[WarmGreyReader]

My husband has 2 brothers and one nephew , nephew is getting married and one brother has been invited but my husband has been excluded and no explanation . Father of the groom is always popping into house as husband is terminally ill with MND and i presumed we were getting an invite even if we couldn't attend . I find out that the RSVPS were last week from a stranger and was so embarrassed angry and hurt . Grooms father has given no warning or explanation but has been acting guilty around me . Seems its ok for me to be the carer of his brother but im only dirt on their feet really .I want to say something and advocate for my husband who would be livid if he knew what going on .In fact i know he would tell his brother not to visit and to leave us alone . I am keeping this information from my husband as he is too sick to understand but do not feel right about brother being in my private space when we are excluded . We are from a culture where siblings not being invited would be seen as a dreadful slur .

There's another aspect, which hasn't been mentioned. I can imagine among my own relatives, if they had been invited although it was obvious they wouldn't be attending, some grousing along the lines of 'they invited us knowing we couldn't go, because they wanted the wedding present convention demands that guests always give if they receive an invitation.'. As some have said, the couple getting married really were in an impossible situation.

I agree.

OP I am so sorry. This is beyond horrible to be treated this way at this time.

My friend had terminal cancer and only had a few weeks left to live when her sister in law's wedding was due.

She, her husband and the kids got an invite, even though it was clear she wouldn't be able to leave her bed.

On the day of the wedding she begged her husband to go to the ceremony and take the kids to see their aunt get married.

She and us watched the wedding on the church webcam.

My point is, the SIL knew she couldn't go, but still let her know she was very much wanted. In fact, at a point in the service, the minister mentioned her and they all waved at the camera. We were in tears at home.

She died about 9 days later.

I genuinely understand your upset and feel your family have been incredibly rude in this instance.

I'm so sorry OP. I understand why you feel so upset. People are awful to seriously ill people.of course he should have been invited. I can't believe people think otherwise. I'm so sorry you are going through seeing your DH so unwell.
Sending a hug to you.

Playing devil's advocate. If brides organising it and doesn't really know you - being mean and using cold hard logic - neither of you can attend because of your husbands terminal illness. Therefor why invite someone who can't attend? It's ruthless attitude though and a discussion should have been had with you about it if they had any manners or care

"and it looks like the bride doesn't want children or the disabled attending .Its a bit abnormal for men to be divas about weddings so i can only assume that hes been told what to do and comply"

I was on your side until this comment @WarmGreyReader . Please do not assume this is all on the bride. My husband's family made incorrect assumptions about our wedding plans, blaming me for decision making that they didn't like, which were actually decisions made by their own son (the groom). It lead to a huge fall out. Please do not assume this decision has been made by the bride without knowing the facts, it's not fair to cast blame on her when you don't know who made the decision.

I get this.

My late husband was left with hemiparesis following a stroke. His ex's 3rd partner (if you include DH) had died and she needed a lift to and from a hospital procedure, so I obliged - we felt sorry for her.

As I drove her home, she casually mentioned that she was going away for a weekend with her daughter and granddaughter for the gd's 18th. I said 'Oh, that's nice...' thinking that it was a girls' intergenerational get-away.

When the pics were posted on social media, we saw that the ex was there, the son was there, the son's partner was there and the daughter's best friend.

The next time we saw the daughter - some months later - Dh asked why he hadn't been invited. 'Oh....I didn't think you'd want to come.'

I still feel as though I was punched in the gut.

What exactly is your expertise in "most cultures"? Do you think it's just possible OP knows more about her family's culture than you do?

They are only going to blame the bride or claim they didn't invite you because they knew you couldn't come so I don't see the point of confronting them. I also think you have got to think of the long game here. You and your husband are dealing with something that is extremely difficult in every way. Do you really think it's worth the drama of falling out with your BIL over this. Even if he is in the wrong might it be better to maintain a relationship with him for your husband's sake. Look how much this is upsetting you? It's not what you need right now.

I'd mention to the BIL that you were upset that you didn't get an invitation but I don't think that wanting to cut him out of your lives is the best thing to do.

If you don't want to cater for him when he comes over then don't. You don't have to.

I'm sorry that you and your husband are having to deal with this terrible illness. I hope you have lots of real life support.

So sorry you and your DH are going through such a difficult time.

I think you if you do decide to go ahead with the talk, its best to tell BIL how you feel clearly and explain why it has upset you. BUT only when you feel the time is right.

But if the time is not right, do you have a member of your own family you can confide in? because its too much to keep it all in, esp as you can't tell your DH atm.

You are in such a difficult situation at the moment and even the smallest things can feel like they are under a magnifying glass and can have a big emotional impact, so please take care of yourself and treat yourself kindly.

Could you have another person with you to help you if and when you do tell BIL as emotions are running high and could be overwhelming for both of you and it might be very difficult for you unless you have a calm person with you to help.

Your BIL will probably understand when you tell him and feel very sorry too. He is doing what he can by visiting his brother and emotions are probably running high for him too. He may well not be aware of how hurt you feel.

I hope you find a way through this and if you do decide to go ahead with your talk it makes you feel better.

And what about OP? Possibly she couldn't have managed...but maybe she could have arranged care for her husband to let her go? At least they could have asked.

I think that because of the awful situation you are in, perhaps this situation has become a focus for your anger and feelings of being cut off from normal life and happy rituals. Which I totally get. But I think for the sake of harmony and making your husbands remaining time as peaceful as it can be, I wouldn't be blowing up at anyone and certainly not your BIL (who has likely acted out of spinelessness rather than malice or thoughtlessness in not giving you the heads up, he can't be blamed for the non-invite). People don't always behave as we would like in specific situations but it doesn't make them monsters, just humans who most likely didn't know what to do and chose wrongly as you see it.

It does depend on the family.

When I got married - many years ago - the 'main' reception invitations were mainly decided by my parents. They insisted that they'd pay for the wedding, but we did pay for some of it. Our friends were - for the most part - just invited to the evening reception.

I know that things tend to be done differently nowadays.

In this instance I’d be making damned sure my child invited my terminally ill brother and his wife to the wedding! I’d be ashamed if my child behaved so callously.

You need to speak to his Brother. It should have been discussed by him. I used to do home care. In the days before video links there were cases of the couple, or even the bride/maids going to the home of the housebound relative before/care the ceremony. One time the Bride, in her dress bought the photos round, a week later, with immediate family dressed up and a buffet supplied. People wasn't just cut out in this way. A video link would have been possible. All venues set this up during Covid.

Next time DBIL shows up at yours ask him what he is doing there. You didn’t realise he’d been invited. See if you get a response.
Also forget any kind of present or comment to DN unless you mention that you and DH weren’t even worth the cost of an invitation.
My dad had MND and I know the stress and exhaustion. This decision not to invite DH might break his heart and inspire him to give up early.

I get this. I've already mentioned what happened with my husband's daughter.

By contrast, when his nephew got married we were both invited. Our invitation included info about accommodation. The family had been told that there was no accessible accommodation at the actual venue, but had found two hotels nearby that did have accessible accommodation.

When the photographs were taken, to our surprise and delight an armchair was set up for my husband and the bridal family posed around him. That photograph is still on my wall.

This is so beautiful xxx feel for you op I would b upset too xx

I really think that for your peace of mind you need to talk this through with BIL just to clear the air his hurt you are. Your husband will need to know at some point, that's heartbreaking. I'm sorry . It's so very inconsiderate of his nephew. He should have come to see him and told him to his face that he's sorry he can't come.

How do you know, for a fact, that the reason he hasnt been invited is because he’s ill?

It sounds like your culture is very family oriented so maybe you could get another family member to talk to them and find out why they have acted in a way that is considered a snub to you and your dh.

@Soontobe60 I agree 100%. I'd go crazy and be dying of mortification if one of my DC was having a big fancy wedding and behaved like this.