Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

I am angry for you, op.

@KeenHiker I'm sorry you're going through this and for all the nasty responses you got! Some people have a really warped way of thinking if they can't see how cruel and damaging it is to your eldest daughter to be made to feel so unwelcome and like such a burden on the family.

I am late to the thread but hopefully you and your eldest are both going.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, your husband has been a complete wet wipe in not dealing with this himself. All he had to do was contact the groom (as he is best man) and say where is eldest daughters invite? Especially since he was 'so shocked' at no invite.

He has left you to deal with this thus all the feedback about you being the crazy one, I genuinely cba with that and I wouldnt go myself, you are a better woman than me!

Now his family have shown their true colours you can concentrate on both your girls and not give them the time of day.

Keep that anger OP, it is righteous.

All this middle-class politeness washing around your dh’s family is just a mask. They aren’t pleasant.

There is a difference between a step parent being “good” to a step child, and truly embracing that child as their own. If your dh loved both children as his own there would be no differentiation between them - they get the same financial treatment and the same welcome within the family; he would move heaven and earth to ensure that’s the case.

My mum had a step dad who was “always good to her” but she left school to work in the family shop at age 14 with no qualifications whilst her stepbrother went to university. My mum loved her step brother but they were not close. I do think that the step dad’s unequal treatment negatively impacted their relationship. My mum wasn’t dumb and she could see that she wasn’t the golden child. It was very sad for my mum and also her stepbrother - they both lost out due to the selfishness of the stepdad and his family.

I am so sorry for your situation and the rude awakening and hope you hold on to your anger and find a way to push back on the favouritism of your younger child.

Would your older daughter also be able to go to private school? Your husband chose to be with you and create a family unit with two children, so surely he can see they should have the same opportunities?

I can’t believe to top it off, now your MIL is moaning that older dd is around too much. Honestly, I would be livid and so hurt for her.

Your DP’s family are grossly obsessed with their pure genes.

Wow 😮

I'm a bit confused as am late to this - am I right in thinking the SIL (bride) invited you, dh and your shared child to her wedding, but didn't invite your child? And then when dh raised it with her she apologised, extended an invite and said she hadn't realised that your dd would have been with you and not her dad that weekend?

I'm shocked and sad for you OP :(

@Notwhatyouwanttohear

How disgusting.

Honestly, I can’t see how you can stay at this point. You are clearly
poles apart on this and I doubt there’s going to be a resolution that you’re both happy with.

Just leave. That way, your eldest may be shielded from potential hurt and your youngest can have all the things she’s entitled to without having to feel guilty about it.

Sorry but I had to vote YABU for this one because there is no way I would be going

What the hell? How nasty is this?

Going to guess this is from someone in DH's family as it reeks of bitter nastiness so...

Anyway OP, YANBU to leave your husband. I don't think I could stay with someone who does not put your child as a priority alongside your shared child.

Yeah I'd divorce DH over this because you know now what your eldests future holds. And you can't raise her in a family where she's treated like a thorn to your youngests rose.

Your DH does not see or treat her as his own. Or he would treat them the same.

When my DPs mum talks about my son she refers to him as "my little...." they took him on immediately as a member of their family and love him. I was very clear with DP that I would never have more children if DS wasn't treated like an equal. But I'm saying that as a "you shouldn't have let this happen" I was your eldest, I knew to expect it.

I find this hard to get my head around, on my mum's side there are six siblings 4 blood related, the other two blood related, my gran is my mum's step mum, no one uses step etc it's brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousins etc my (step) cousin and I are close and our sons are too, no biological link at all but it's never mentioned, no one is ever treated differently and that includes birthdays, Christmas, wills etc . My gran is my only remaining grandparent and had made it clear her will is estate to be divided by the six adult siblings , four of whom are not biologically hers. My gran is the one I have probably always been closest too, I never think about the fact she's not my mum's biological mum, I was just lucky enough to have six grandparents rather than four. Family is family.

@Notwhatyouwanttohear did you really just refer to a child as it?!

Dd lives with them 100% of the time so no chance at all they thought she would be with her dad. You have it right but the Dh raised it with his brother who basically said that’s right, she’s not welcome. The op blew up, the mil said I’m not getting involved. But then she did. The only person in dhs family including Dh who comes out at all well is the sil to be , who as soon as she was told this is a problem messaged the op and said of course she can comes im so sorry. So she jsut took her cues from her fiance, the brother. Who doesn’t think this child is family, rather like the Dh.
foster that sil as an ally op, you’ve only seen her taking her cues from her fiance, it seems like she is ok as a person in her own right.

I think you should leave your husband too. I've seen this scenario play out and the eldest daughter ended up leaving the family home as a teenager and moving in with her grandparents. It ended it divorce eventually anyway, but only after the poor girl had been through her difficult teenage years feeling rejected from her family unit. It obviously made an already difficult time in anyone's life even more difficult and she definitely suffered (suffers) self-esteem issues as a result of it all. Her stepdad had been in her life since she was two years old, by the way!

It's a bloody hard choice to make, but I think you and your husband need to do some serious talking.

What the hell? You have called a child ‘it’????

I am so glad that the people in my life who have influenced me have welcomed step DC /DGC as their own.

My mum’s best friend made no difference at all between her son’s SD and her other DGC - all treated the same, as they should be.

I wasn't sure from the thread if the SIL knew this though.

I'm sorry to say OP your eldest daughter will be very aware of the difference in how she is treated already. My step dad was and still is amazing, even 30 years on from him and my mum splitting!
His family behaved similarly to your husbands and it has definitely affected me. Unfortunately you can't make them view her differently, I would definitely be looking at whether your marriage is sustainable.

WTF? That's your take.

I don't necessarily agree with OPs points, but wow.

How do you know what happened to the father? If a child's father died would you be saying this nonsense.

I couldn't stay with a man who thought this way about my child. He doesn't treat her as his own, as an equal to her sister. He's made that clear going on about private school and how much DD2 will have and how HE gets to decide where his DD goes to high school. I think SIL & BIL stumbled into this error because of the way your ILs think about your eldest child. Its very obvious she's not family to them and I wouldn't put her through this any longer.