Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

Does your eldest have the same surname as you / her step-sister / her step-dad / her step-dad's family? I'm guessing not?

Imo OPs eldest is just as much a part of the family as OP herself. The DH married her into his family and brought along OPs child as well. He fully took on the role of father in the same way he took on the role of husband.

How can a family, anyone in fact, choose to accept a grown up but not a child? Especially a child who is clearly lacking a biological father?

I bet anything you like OP wouldn't have married her H or had a child with him if she had any idea he felt this way or would allow his family to treat her DD this way.

OP, maybe you need a few days away from your H to really think how you feel about all of this. Could you ever move forward with someone like this?.

Yes, and they have accepted her - as an in law, same as OP. If OP divorces her husband she will cease to be part of their family, as will her eldest.

That she lacks a paternal family is neither their fault nor something they are obliged to rectify.

What on earth have surnames got to do with anything? Some people keep their surnames when they get married - it doesn't make them any less married!

All I have ever wanted was that my DH treated my eldest well and on a par with any children we had together and I would say that he has. We generally have a happy life.

I never expected him to leave her equal amounts in his will or for his family to leave her an inheritance, I think the fact that we have had wills for five years proves this.

Naively however, I hadn’t anticipated that his family would leave anything directly to the youngest, I assumed DH would only inherit and then many decades down the line youngest. I am upset about any inevitable disparity coming early than expected. The upset was not my expecting in-laws to leave eldest anything.

DH asked about schools for youngest about 18 months ago. I said that I was happy with primary that eldest went to and that was the end of conversation, I had no idea that he had this resentment about it.

As for BiL and SiL I genuinely think that they have done nothing wrong. I don’t think that my eldest even crossed their minds.

I believed SiL three years ago when she said that she hadn’t been told of eldest’s existence. She also seems to imply that it was cousin’s wife who told her of there being no input from father’s side only yesterday. You can interpret this as the in-laws not gossiping or my eldest being beneath their notice.

DH would argue that he did ask re: eldest being invited to wedding but he initially accepted BiL saying five others plus a baby would also have to be invited. He also would say that his mother argued for inclusion as well. He doesn’t think the wedding is significant.

He maintains that he loves her but can’t make others treat her the same.

They are not obliged to rectify but OP has said that her H has accepted her as his own only to now go back on that. If he had accepted her as his own, he would fight for his family to treat her fairly which they have not.

It doesn't sound to me like they have accepted her at all. OP was invited to the wedding as an in-law, her DD was not. If they had accepted her DD and OP, they both would have been invited. Clearly they see OP as part of their family but not her DD.

He doesn’t have parental responsibility for her, adopting her doesn’t seem to have been a consideration for either of them, OP hasn’t ever expected her to inherit from him, and OP is the one that has authority over any decisions pertaining to her. Neither of them have treated her ‘like his own’, as both clearly recognise that she isn’t.

They’ve extended an invite now, and they obviously spend time with her outside of this event.

DH asked about schools for youngest about 18 months ago. I said that I was happy with primary that eldest went to and that was the end of conversation, I had no idea that he had this resentment about it.

Assuming the local state is fine and not failing then what is the issue?

Ultimately sending one sibling to state and one to private rarely ends well - and he should prioritise the children’s relationship with each other over his aspirations for the youngest education.

I’ve often thought educating children is like buying a dog; both parties have to be 100% on board with whatever decision is taken. It’s a huge commitment, and not to be taken lightly.

It comes into it, in my personal experience, with families who will say "she's not even a Frederikson" when talking about how spoils should be divided, for example. Generational wealth, not spending the capital, preserving for future generations etc.

A family who is prepared to treat half-sisters differently when it comes to inheritances and private education, where a grandmother says she wants time alone with a biological child (for what? to be able to say things like "you've got those gorgeous Frederikson eyes" without worrying about excluding another child who's sitting right there; to be able to say "this is how we Frederiksons do things, we're not savages here" etc etc), is likely to be a family for whom the moniker counts for a lot.

Given that her father is uninvolved, have you discussed your DH adopting your eldest DD, OP?
It might help her feel more secure in your family unit. My cousin adopted his step-daughter (then 8) when he and his wife got married, it sent a clear message to the extended family.

Ah so it's all OPs fault that her DH has misled her? And she's a bad parent too! Way to kick someone when they're down.

His family sound awful and it doesn’t sound like your DH treats her equally to your youngest or as his own at all.

I don't see that DH misled OP. Where do you see that?

I see that OP was the one with the child to protect. The onus was on her to do her due diligence on the man she was about to marry and the family she was marrying into (as evidently, extended family is important to her). She didn't do these things. Wouldn't you?

And it's not a question of kicking someone when they're down. It's a question of saying she's angry with the wrong people and is wasting her energy. I'm sure she's kicking herself plenty, right now.

The 'blood relation being stronger' thing is just completely weird to me regarding how some people treat step children. A guy/woman gets married, declaring this person is my partner, my family and they are treated with all the trappings of joining the family – the wedding invites, the photographs, the Christmas gifts etc. Why isn't it the same for step children? Especially those who do not have the other parent in their life. Your DH has declared your daughter has his family – she is not blood related, but you aren't either – so why the difference in treatment? It's so much more important for children to feel love and acceptance, especially when one parent has already rejected them.

"I never expected him to leave her equal amounts in his will or for his family to leave her an inheritance, I think the fact that we have had wills for five years proves this."

If his family leave her an inheritance directly, there's not much you can do. However if your dh has claimed to treat them the same until now and the inheritance goes to him, then becoming family money, i would expect him to split it equally between all the children in his own will.

I feel for you. I'm super protective of my kids due to their crappy father. I've remarried to dh who has his own children but treats mine financially the same. However, he has never said like yours that he feels the same for mine as he does for his.

Wedding aside, the way your dh brought it up It sounds to me that his family have requested that you are made aware your older dd will not be seeing any of their money.

I've been utterly baffled at some of the attitudes displayed here over the past few days. I've only just realised it's a class thing and this is all about protecting wealth and keeping it in the bloodline! If this is what private school does to you, I think both your daughters are better off out of it, OP!

@KeenHiker

He maintains that he loves her but can’t make others treat her the same.

OP you’ve said it here yourself. You can’t force people.

They sound like they weren’t aware of all the circumstances regarding your daughter, and why would they be?? They have a big family, a lot going on and the brother getting married has no kids so is likely oblivious to most things relative to child rearing.

The wedding is about the couple getting married, they are spending a lot of money for their day and are focused on that. They aren’t setting out to get married to purposely target and exclude your daughter to make some sort of point… they have had the mistake drawn to their attention and have rectified it. You have what you wanted - go to the wedding and enjoy yourselves. Be happy for them. It is about them, not you.

Regards your younger daughter being in a special photo, receiving an inheritance, being sent to private school, having special time with her Grandma…. She should be allowed all of these lovely things and not punished because she has a half sister who is less fortunate.

Please don’t deprive the younger child of nice things and opportunities. Try and facilitate a better relationship or advantages for your elder daughter with her paternal family and foster positive relations with the girls.

You really can’t expect your husband to foot massive amounts of money relative to your elder girl or to deprive his own daughter which are the black and white choices you’re laying out for him.

He clearly loves, cares and provides for your elder daughter. But he is her step father not her father.

He maintains that he loves her but can’t make others treat her the same.

He is correct here, he can't. However, it doesn't seem like he is treating your DDs the same either. Insisting that DD2 go to private school while DD1 will still be in state school. I'm assuming at this point DD1 will be around 15-16? She will be at an age where she will be both hormonal, but also old enough to understand the difference and feel it. This could potentially lead to resentment.

Your DH sounds like the type who insists he 'stepped up and brought DD1 up as his own', but who in reality hasn't, and then he will wonder why DD1 doesn't ask him to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day, and have a sulk about it.

In all the mentions of him treating eldest DD as his own then changing his mind. You have absolutely no idea what due diligence was done by the OP at any point, you've just decided that it was none and she happily waltzed into a new relationship asking fuck all before hand. Why is that? Personal experience?
Why have you decided that it was her failing and not his?
You've called OP a bad parent based on what exactly?

And you can dress it up however you like, calling someone a bad parent and (in essence) and failure when they're already hurting is kicking someone when they're down. She probably is kicking herself so why are you joining in?
Nothing you've said here has been constructive.

Where has OP said she expects her DH to send eldest to private school?

Unless I've missed a post, I've seen her say that he has informed her that he is sending their youngest to private school....no mention of a discussion or asking how she might feel about that.

Or they’re simply a family that operates in a different way to yours.

And no, he didn’t. He didn’t gain parental responsibility upon marrying OP, and nor did he become financially responsible for her. OP didn’t have a problem with him not leaving anything to her eldest anyway, because she does in fact recognise the difference.

I imagine any inherited wealth will be protected tbh, and won’t automatically go into ‘the family pot’.

Yep! But let's not let the facts get in the way of giving the OP a good dressing down for daring to have children with two different men!