Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

That's really horrible. I do feel sorry for your DH too.

Kind of torn. I am just same situation as had an elder child myself who was never treated as family. I wouldn't go and my youngest wouldn't be flower girl. However I wouldn't stop DH going if he wanted to but fortunately know mine would take an all or noone stand too. But having said that I do believe it's their wedding their choice - and they have to accept their choice may have consequences, one of which is that DB and his family may not be there.

So to all intents and purposes this is a child free wedding other than the two flower girls?

I do understand your upset given the fact your own DD appears to have been excluded over biological children, and if it was only her who was being excluded then I would agree that that was horrible.

But iit sounds as if this isn’t the case really.

Surely dh goes and you and dc have a day out? Dh can pack his stuff after he gets back.
Or dh can tell them all to fuck off.

What is it with families playing divide and concur? Who welcomes a wife and their child into their home but then stands by and allows others to treat the child any differently to their own. I wouldnt do that to my dogs, never mind a child.

You are right Keenhiker, either you all go or noone goes. As for the snide attempts to go behind your back with the invitation to be a flower girl......i would be making it clear any invitations to your children go through you in future or there will be hell to pay.

I can understand why you are angry.
They're entitled to invite who they want but very naive of them not to imagine this would cause offence.
I wouldn't stop your DH going but I would decline the invitation for myself and probably refuse to allow the younger DD to go without me as the Best Man (DH) will not be able to look after her and do that as well as I wouldn't allow someone else to step in.

He has made it very clear that youngest is going to be in that wedding!

I’d not be going but I wouldn’t stop your DH or DD going. Tell DH you’ll have nothing to do with the arrangements and let him get on with it.

You're angry at the wrong person. It's not your husband's fault. Wanting to divorce him over his brother's actions is a complete overreaction.

'The thanks I get for stepping up'

I'm sorry but 🤢
He is lucky to have a relationship with your daughter if that's his attitude. My partner feels honoured that my daughters from a previous relationship consider him their father. I absolutely hate it when a new partner comes along and signals their virtue over not being a shit step parent.

And realistically if he had 'stepped up' in any meaningful way he'd be banging down the door asking why they had the audacity to exclude his daughter.

Thats really shit. Your poor DD.

I can understand your DH still wanting to be at his brothers wedding no matter what though. I’d either suggest he goes alone or with younger DD and you and older DD have an amazing weekend away together.

If my dh ever implied I should be grateful he stepped up the would be out on his arse...

That's tough OP but it's not really your DH fault. I would take your elder DD on a day out that she would really enjoy and is too grown up for your younger DD e.g. a theme park or west end show. Although i would also want to withdraw your DD2 i think that wouldnt be fair on her.

This

YANBU for not accepting this shitty treatment of you and DD1 by DH. He’s let you both down badly.

I’d not be permitting DD2 to be a flower girl.

I wouldn’t let my dd be flower girl. She’s using her as a pretty prop in her wedding.

If dh insists on taking dd make sure she has skittles for breakfast..

good Way of looking at it.

I'd let DH and DD go. And then make sure I never saw BIL in the future. The can fuck off.

That's just awful. Not having your older child as flower girl is ok (people sometimes just want the litter ones) but my jaw is on the floor over a lack of invitation for her.

It takes a special kind of arsehole to treat a 10 year old significantly worse than her sister just because she has a different dad. Your poor DD.

Why isn't your DH furious?

You can't make him change. All you can do is wave him off and take your daughter's... Both of them, out for the day.

I can kind of understand the Easter egg thing- where if the SIL has asked if he has any nieces or nephews he might not even register that his brothers step child should be mentioned.

I think if asking a child to be part of the wedding party, then the parents should always be asked first. As for the wedding I’d send you DH but don’t you or either child go- have a lovely little holiday somewhere. If asked just say you couldn’t have the youngest enjoying a party and not the eldest.

I'm not surprised you're fuming, I'd have absolutely no relationship with them at all now and I'd be minimal contact with your MIL too. There's not much you can do re your DH or even your dd attending, but I'd not be backwards at coming forwards about the reason why.

I'd book a weekend away, just you and dd, somewhere she's always wanted to go and have a lovely time whilst the wedding takes place

Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.

what do you mean by this bit?

Are you saying that until this latest nonsense they treated both of your daughters equally?

I don't usually say it in these situations, but it'd be all of us or none.