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Original poster

Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

716 replies

KeenHiker · 04/03/2024 09:52

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding | Mumsnet

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode. BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

OP posts:
Wellifyouresurebetterbegryffindor · 04/03/2024 10:49

This reply has been deleted

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This is probably one of the nastiest posts I've ever read

Pancakefam · 04/03/2024 10:51

Sorry if this has already been said. I can read quite a few of the names in the screenshot messages in the last thread! Both of your daughters, the groom's, the grandmother's, and someone called Helen..

TheLambtonWorm · 04/03/2024 10:55

This reply has been deleted

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OPs child isn't part of the family? Because she isn't related by blood? Does that extend to all the family who isn't related by blood? Will OP never be part of the family as she is only there by marriage? Fucking codswollop.

If her shitehouse of a husband didn't want the eldest to be part of his precious family he shouldn't have married and procreated with a woman who had children.

cleanasawhistle · 04/03/2024 10:56

I am shocked by the behaviour of your husbands family.

Your daughter may not be a blood relative to these people but neither are you or any other DIL/SIL.....so its ok to accept new adults into the family but not innocent children.

Presuming the bride and groom have children then divorce...how will they react to similar situations when its their child becoming a step child.

Really feel for you and your daughter OP x

Kidswhowouldhavethem · 04/03/2024 10:59

This reply has been deleted

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You are sick ,referring to a child as ‘it’!

MyLemonBee · 04/03/2024 10:59

Your poor eldest child.

When you marry a partner who has children from a prior relationship, you absolutely have to accept those children will be treated equally. You don't have to love them the same, but they certainly must be provided for financially in the same way and included in family occasions in the same way.

The focus on blood relatives is a bit weird. What if one of the grandchildren was adopted? Or a donor conceived child? Would they be excluded? Of course not.

MyLemonBee · 04/03/2024 11:00

TheLambtonWorm · 04/03/2024 10:55

OPs child isn't part of the family? Because she isn't related by blood? Does that extend to all the family who isn't related by blood? Will OP never be part of the family as she is only there by marriage? Fucking codswollop.

If her shitehouse of a husband didn't want the eldest to be part of his precious family he shouldn't have married and procreated with a woman who had children.

Show quote history

^^THIS

HoppingPavlova · 04/03/2024 11:01

I really have no idea how you could go? Your kids, no matter who their dad is, need to know you have their back. I’d definitely remember the fact you didn’t care about me enough not to go if I was your child! I would have simply declined saying I’m not going where my child isn’t wanted, the end.

Wayk · 04/03/2024 11:02

Protect your daughter by divorcing your useless husband

Caerulea · 04/03/2024 11:06

I've never understood the 'but that child isn't family wah wah why should they bother with them' excuse, cos that's all it is. Shitty ppl exclude a child on this basis, good people don't. So sure, you can talk about how well one daughter is going to do via her bloodline but not the other cos she's not real, but that makes you a really fucking crappy human. If you're not capable of truly taking on that child then DON'T from the get-go, that's fine! I'd respect that more.

Tbh, my concerns right now if I were OP would be the things DH has said, I'd be crushed. I'm so sorry OP, I know I'd be devastated if my DH intimated any of this about our eldest (who is actually his SS from about 3 & is now 22), I just couldn't get over it. If at any point DHs relatives had implied eldest was around too much then all of my kids would be pulled back from them & I admire your ability to go to this wedding & face these cretins cos I know I couldn't - there's not enough grace in the world.

Catapultaway · 04/03/2024 11:07

HoppingPavlova · 04/03/2024 11:01

I really have no idea how you could go? Your kids, no matter who their dad is, need to know you have their back. I’d definitely remember the fact you didn’t care about me enough not to go if I was your child! I would have simply declined saying I’m not going where my child isn’t wanted, the end.

The child who wasn't invited doesn't know she wasn't invited, and is now invited.

InterIgnis · 04/03/2024 11:12

TheLambtonWorm · 04/03/2024 10:55

OPs child isn't part of the family? Because she isn't related by blood? Does that extend to all the family who isn't related by blood? Will OP never be part of the family as she is only there by marriage? Fucking codswollop.

If her shitehouse of a husband didn't want the eldest to be part of his precious family he shouldn't have married and procreated with a woman who had children.

Show quote history

How has he not accepted her as part of his family? He has, as his stepdaughter. That it’s a different relationship to the one he has with his daughter doesn’t mean she's not family. As far as the extended family go, she’s an in-law to them, same as OP is. She isn’t their granddaughter any more than OP is their daughter, and whether they’re family or not is entirely dependent on whether OP remains married to their son.

Blended families are not the same as nuclear ones, no matter how much some may want them to be. The daughters are equal in OP’s eyes as she’s the mother of both, but that doesn’t mean the girls have all the same relatives in common. They don’t. Op can’t change that, regardless of whether she divorces her husband or not.

And OP, you knew this was the case. You know your husband is leaving everything to his biological child in his will. You also clearly don’t think he gets an equal say to you in regards to your eldest.

You can’t force your husband and in laws to think, feel, and act the way you want them to. All the calling them dicks and ranting about how unfair and wrong they are won’t change that. That is what you need to come to terms with

PlenvuIsNoFun · 04/03/2024 11:15

Aa much as you dont like it, your child is not part of their family they don't have to treat it as their own

So many posters pointing out that the child was referred to as “it.”
Not so, IMO.

“It” refers to the situation.
Nobody has written in either thread they don’t like the child herself.
It’s her being a stepchild that matters to some.

Surprisedbuthappy · 04/03/2024 11:16

PlenvuIsNoFun · 04/03/2024 11:15

Aa much as you dont like it, your child is not part of their family they don't have to treat it as their own

So many posters pointing out that the child was referred to as “it.”
Not so, IMO.

“It” refers to the situation.
Nobody has written in either thread they don’t like the child herself.
It’s her being a stepchild that matters to some.

It's the second "it" in the sentence that people are pointing out, not the first!

Surprisedbuthappy · 04/03/2024 11:18

InterIgnis · 04/03/2024 11:12

How has he not accepted her as part of his family? He has, as his stepdaughter. That it’s a different relationship to the one he has with his daughter doesn’t mean she's not family. As far as the extended family go, she’s an in-law to them, same as OP is. She isn’t their granddaughter any more than OP is their daughter, and whether they’re family or not is entirely dependent on whether OP remains married to their son.

Blended families are not the same as nuclear ones, no matter how much some may want them to be. The daughters are equal in OP’s eyes as she’s the mother of both, but that doesn’t mean the girls have all the same relatives in common. They don’t. Op can’t change that, regardless of whether she divorces her husband or not.

And OP, you knew this was the case. You know your husband is leaving everything to his biological child in his will. You also clearly don’t think he gets an equal say to you in regards to your eldest.

You can’t force your husband and in laws to think, feel, and act the way you want them to. All the calling them dicks and ranting about how unfair and wrong they are won’t change that. That is what you need to come to terms with

Show quote history

Right, but in-laws are usually made to feel welcome at family events and if they're not the general consensus is the people excluding them are not very nice!

InterIgnis · 04/03/2024 11:23

Surprisedbuthappy · 04/03/2024 11:18

Right, but in-laws are usually made to feel welcome at family events and if they're not the general consensus is the people excluding them are not very nice!

Show quote history

Sometimes they are, sometimes they’re not. As it stands the eldest has now been invited, and OP now has a problem with the great grandmother having photos taken with her direct biological descendants.

As far as ‘general consensus is they’re not very nice!’ - okay, and? It’s not the general consensus in their actual circle, or indeed in plenty of others. That isn’t a ‘them’ problem.

MidnightPatrol · 04/03/2024 11:29

What amazes me most about this, is that the decision was made to not invite the eldest daughter, with the assumption that what - no one would comment?

So often I see these threads where family members / children are excluded from events, do these people not have any empathy?

Do they not think how it might look to exclude the step child? How that step child might feel about it, given she's 10?

Surprisedbuthappy · 04/03/2024 11:31

InterIgnis · 04/03/2024 11:23

Sometimes they are, sometimes they’re not. As it stands the eldest has now been invited, and OP now has a problem with the great grandmother having photos taken with her direct biological descendants.

As far as ‘general consensus is they’re not very nice!’ - okay, and? It’s not the general consensus in their actual circle, or indeed in plenty of others. That isn’t a ‘them’ problem.

Show quote history

It is a problem for OP though, since she actually cares about her daughter's feelings. Unlike the people who've been in her life since she was tiny, but think it's acceptable to treat her like she's nothing at all since she doesn't share their blood. Actually, no, worse than nothing at all - a hindrance to their relationship with their blood relative just by being around! They feel like that and OP can't force them to feel or act otherwise - fine.

However, the people backing OP are saying she's justified in being hurt by their words and actions, because they are hurtful. How she decides to act on that is up to her, but she's not crazy or unreasonable for feeling that way.

Caerulea · 04/03/2024 11:34

InterIgnis · 04/03/2024 11:12

How has he not accepted her as part of his family? He has, as his stepdaughter. That it’s a different relationship to the one he has with his daughter doesn’t mean she's not family. As far as the extended family go, she’s an in-law to them, same as OP is. She isn’t their granddaughter any more than OP is their daughter, and whether they’re family or not is entirely dependent on whether OP remains married to their son.

Blended families are not the same as nuclear ones, no matter how much some may want them to be. The daughters are equal in OP’s eyes as she’s the mother of both, but that doesn’t mean the girls have all the same relatives in common. They don’t. Op can’t change that, regardless of whether she divorces her husband or not.

And OP, you knew this was the case. You know your husband is leaving everything to his biological child in his will. You also clearly don’t think he gets an equal say to you in regards to your eldest.

You can’t force your husband and in laws to think, feel, and act the way you want them to. All the calling them dicks and ranting about how unfair and wrong they are won’t change that. That is what you need to come to terms with

Show quote history

But this is all technical BS - an actual decision is made about how that child is treated & that's where the difference lies in being good or shitty, sorry 🤷🏼‍♀️

As an example -

My eldest DS is my husbands step son. DS now has a baby. DH is now a grandad & absolutely adores his grandson. Eldest is DH son & he loves him as such. He brought him up, loved him, advocated for him as his son.

FIL got remarried a few years ago. His new wife is step-mum technically but cos we're talking adults, she's not mum to DH & is referred to by her name. None of our 3 children are related to her by blood at all. She has no children of her own & is not remotely maternal. She's a strong, independent woman & I've got a lot of respect for her. She's improved the relationship between DH & FIL no end cos he was a bit selfish & distant prior. We see them a few times a year.

HOWEVER! Entirely of her own volition she now considers herself great grandma to a child who is not even blood to her husband. She looked fit to bust when she first met DGS, just smitten & immediately referred to herself as great grandma (which really took me by surprise). They've both stepped up to help eldest & his girlf out financially, we've just handed over a beautifully wrapped gift to DGS they sent him.

Sure, no one has to feel that way but that's the difference between good, ordinary, emotionally mature people & shitty elitist ones. The former just are that way, the latter choose to be.

OPs in-laws happen to be the latter & sadly for her, so does her husband.

InterIgnis · 04/03/2024 11:37

Surprisedbuthappy · 04/03/2024 11:31

It is a problem for OP though, since she actually cares about her daughter's feelings. Unlike the people who've been in her life since she was tiny, but think it's acceptable to treat her like she's nothing at all since she doesn't share their blood. Actually, no, worse than nothing at all - a hindrance to their relationship with their blood relative just by being around! They feel like that and OP can't force them to feel or act otherwise - fine.

However, the people backing OP are saying she's justified in being hurt by their words and actions, because they are hurtful. How she decides to act on that is up to her, but she's not crazy or unreasonable for feeling that way.

Show quote history

I’m not saying it isn’t a problem for OP - equally her expectations of her in laws are a problem for them as well as for her husband. They have been in her life since she was tiny, yes, but that doesn’t mean they have to consider her a relative in the same way the youngest is (and clearly they don’t!). Not considering her a grandchild/stepniece isn’t the same as treating her like she’s nothing at all.

What she, and they, decide to do is up to them. They’re not going to share the same views here, and OP is going to have to come to terms with that, regardless of whether she or anyone else thinks she’s reasonable for feeling as she does.

LadyBird1973 · 04/03/2024 11:39

@KeenHiker I'm so glad you started a new thread. I read your update in the last one and I'm absolutely horrified at your husband's attitude.
Forget the wedding - this is the least of your problems and has just thrown into focus what already bubbling under the surface.

I can't believe your h has made plans for your youngest re private school without discussing with you first and don't offering the same opportunity to your oldest.

It's all very well for posters to think that the kids have different dads and therefore different opportunities, but then a person marries someone who has a child already (and no other parent in the picture) and claims they will take that child on as their own, to then treat the child differently to their own is cruel. He's lied to you OP and you have every right to be furious and hurt.

While you can't make his family love dd or share their wealth with her, your husband absolutely should be sharing his. It's absolutely appalling to send dd2 to private school but not dd1. He couldn't make his priorities clearer if he tattooed them in his forehead!

I'd ltb!

InterIgnis · 04/03/2024 11:40

Caerulea · 04/03/2024 11:34

But this is all technical BS - an actual decision is made about how that child is treated & that's where the difference lies in being good or shitty, sorry 🤷🏼‍♀️

As an example -

My eldest DS is my husbands step son. DS now has a baby. DH is now a grandad & absolutely adores his grandson. Eldest is DH son & he loves him as such. He brought him up, loved him, advocated for him as his son.

FIL got remarried a few years ago. His new wife is step-mum technically but cos we're talking adults, she's not mum to DH & is referred to by her name. None of our 3 children are related to her by blood at all. She has no children of her own & is not remotely maternal. She's a strong, independent woman & I've got a lot of respect for her. She's improved the relationship between DH & FIL no end cos he was a bit selfish & distant prior. We see them a few times a year.

HOWEVER! Entirely of her own volition she now considers herself great grandma to a child who is not even blood to her husband. She looked fit to bust when she first met DGS, just smitten & immediately referred to herself as great grandma (which really took me by surprise). They've both stepped up to help eldest & his girlf out financially, we've just handed over a beautifully wrapped gift to DGS they sent him.

Sure, no one has to feel that way but that's the difference between good, ordinary, emotionally mature people & shitty elitist ones. The former just are that way, the latter choose to be.

OPs in-laws happen to be the latter & sadly for her, so does her husband.

Show quote history

Your family is free to operate in the way that works best for it, same as OP’s in laws are free to.

You can think it’s BS and shitty as much as you like, that’s the reality OP is dealing with. It’s the reality for a lot of people who aren’t suddenly going to change because they’re heartbroken by you considering them shitty people.

LadyBird1973 · 04/03/2024 11:41

As for mil bitching that she doesn't see dd2 without dd1 - words fail me!

LakieLady · 04/03/2024 11:43

I'm utterly appalled by your IL's attitude to your DD, OP, but even more so by your DH's. They've all made it perfectly clear that what matters to them is the DNA the children have inherited and nothing else.

I'd be seriously considering ending the marriage. They all sound horrible.

Tomatoblush · 04/03/2024 11:44

It seems like the wedding has brought everything to the fore.
And now grandma wants to see youngest on her own and probably always has but been too worried to say. The floodgates have opened.
And now your husband has really put the boot in with the private school etc.

I feel so much for you and your eldest. I couldn’t continue in this marriage because the hurt from all this be too much for me.
I just couldn’t forgive or forget.