Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

Yes, @Surprisedbuthappy, the OP can certainly leave the marriage if she wishes to. Her DH will still have PR for her youngest DD and I doubt it’ll influence his family’s inheritance decisions. As I said upthread, I’m pretty sure that parents sign a contract when sending their child to private school so if she disagrees with that, she can decline to do so.

If the OP does want to stay in the marriage, it might be a good idea to discuss her DH adopting her eldest DD as he’ll then have PR.

You're making no sense. If she'd done her due diligence, she wouldn't be here would she? OP has described a consistent and identical approach to step-children from all of the extended family, and a DH who said he would treat her eldest as his own (and she says he genuinely still does on a day to day basis) but also describes wills that treat both girls differently. Wills that have been in place for years. At no point has she said that he misled her. What she describes is that this wedding has been the catalyst for various realisations. The youngest has only been around a few years, anyway. OP herself says in her latest post that she "assumed" things about inheritances. Why would you do that? Did you, before you married? I certainly didn't.

Again, it's a fact that the onus was on the OP to protect her eldest child from the slights and treatment she perceives her to be facing now and in the future. She hasn't done this. She has put that child into this position with her own choices. Every post from the OP has been to criticise the DH, the MIL, the BIL, the SIL (although to decreasing extents as the posts have gone on)....and not once to say "oh fuck, what have I done. I've messed up big time". If she had done, she would have reeived very, very different replies and I bet a tonne more constructive advice on how to move on.

My point is to say that the OP got her child into this situation and she has to get her out. It's a complete waste of time blaming her DH's family for the predicament she put her DD in, and casting about for ways to get her DH's family to change so that the predicament vanishes. If you are the sort to prefer to see victimhood in suffering the consequences of your own actions, sure you can see that as being kicked when you're down. If you'd rather be pragmatic and seek to actually fix the problem rather than spend time blaming everyone, it's not a question of kicking anyone at all - that simply isn't the frame of reference.

I suspect this probably aggrieves you even more, and that we will disagree on this. That's fine. This is an open forum where everyone is free to comment or not, within the site's guidelines.

Those of you accusing the op of depriving her youngest of her rightful inheritance/ privileges in life, what would you want in dd2’s shoes? Because i wouldn’t want a huge inheritance that my sister didn’t have. In fact, as an adult i would try to split it without her ever knowing she hadn’t inherited, if that were possible.

Creating an unequal dynamic and permanently playing these girls off against each other could create lifelong resentment that isn’t a good thing for either child. Being the golden child isn’t great either. I really don’t think it’s a case of depriving dd2 of anything.

I don’t think my dc would want to be flower girl at a wedding that their sibling had been left out of, either. That would taint it for them, not the mum’s behaviour.

Doesn't sound like he wants to have PR though. If he wanted to adopt her DD surely he would have mentioned something by now.

I don't think OP wants to influence anything regarding inheritance.

@CatamaranViper Perhaps the OP will answer that question. Personally, I don’t think it’s to late to discuss adoption and it would be fine for the OP to raise the issue as they’re talking about her DD and she’ll have greater knowledge of her ex’s possible reaction.

I have no idea who suggested adoption in my cousin’s case, all I know is that they announced it at their wedding reception and it sent a very clear message to my Dad’s side of the family, who were a judgy, constantly fighting lot in previous generations. My generation is far nicer, thank goodness.

Another failing blended family.

People can wish all they want for their child to be treated equally but it’s very rarely going to truly happen because ultimately you and your child can walk out that door tomorrow and you are gone. Where as the joint child the father has parental rights and responsibilities too. She will always be family even if your relationship breaks down and it certainly isn’t coming across as very stable when the title was to divorce over a wedding invite.

You’ve known all along he plans to leave your oldest nothing in his will. So he may be helping raise her on a day to day basis but he doesn’t see her as someone he needs to take care of in death and you accepted that.

There was also another thread where the youngest is cutting/cut off her mother because she stopped her having a proper relationship with her father’s family because of fairness to the older half sibling. Everytime you deny your youngest an opportunity because of her sister you run that risk of you being that mother and having your daughter resenting her older sibling too.

Its not your youngest fault that her siblings dads shit and grandmother is a mess. It’s also not her fault that her fathers family are rich and love her very much.

Actually there's been a few threads were SM post about not wanting to do school runs, care or even extend to asking their family who are doing care/runs anyway and the replies are always in favour of it not being the SM's responsibility or that her family don't have to know her SC. There's a lot of projection on this site.

I'm making no sense? You're laying blame on OP without knowing facts. You've created a narrative that you're sticking to.
You've no idea what conversations were had, who said what, who's promised what.

In fact your posts are about as useful as telling OP to hop in her time machine to fix the problems rather than what she can do from now on or ways to move forward.

What a strange way to end your post as well... I'm well aware that this is an open forum, is this another part of your made up narrative? Deciding that I don't understand what MN is?

@WaitingForMojo I was the youngest in the scenario of a mother who didn't pursue/allow contact with my paternal birth family. In later life my sister has reconnected with her paternal side and has a big extended family. Whereas I am left not knowing contact details of mine. My father's family wasn't even invited to his funeral. Parents shouldn't have the power to cut people off who aren't abusive to the child. The decision was made by the OP for adoption to not happen, she accepted the inheritance issue. They aren't really in contact with BIL, so he was never going to consider the eldest equal to his blood DN.

Nailed it. It absolutely is a class thing & mumsnet is largely the last place this kind of thing would be admitted..

Out of curiosity, if your eldest's 'bio' dad isn't in her life, would he relinquish parental rights and let your husband adopt her? Would that solve a lot of his family's issues?

Whether we like it or not, the power of DNA when it comes to heredity and wealth is extreme. It has been baked into us for generations. The desire for sons to pass estates onto, daughters to marry off for a dowry. Whilst nowadays blending families may be common, it is not so straightforward to forget centuries of conditioning that inheritance is passed through a bloodline. Shout and rail against it as much as you like, but most people, particularly when money gets involved are going to favour a child of their own over one who isn't biologically.

Out of all the families I know of, I can think of only one man who has treated his stepchildren exactly the same as his own children, privately educated them alongside his own, paid for all their weddings etc. He is one of kindest, most generous men I know. Yet even he is not without flaws, in the sense that his wife was an OW and they met because he was a cheat, and I have no way of knowing what his will says regarding inheritance. In MN world, he would also be scum. Nothing and no one is all good or all bad. We are all flawed.

I believe if you marry someone you become part of that child's life as do the family. If they can't manage that they can sod off. I'd leave. I'd take all my kids and leave. What a weird bloody family. Protect your daughter, she needs you too. Make a choice and choose her.

Wow. Not sending a child to a six-digit private school of unknown academic merits is "totally screwing them over?"

Interesting worldview you've got.

A family that doesn’t care about step children isn’t going to care about an adopted child (sadly). In their eyes, blood is blood.

Also, why would OP wanted the husband to adopt the daughter - who he’s been very clear he doesn’t see as his own?

I would leave. Your husband is an arsehole. I wouldn’t have my eldest hurt by him for a moment longer.

re - inheritance. My grandmother liked to play off who was inheriting and who wasn’t. Our parents neatly solved the problem by teaching us everything that came into the house from her was shared - when we were little it was explained the granny was easily confused and sometimes forgot birthdays/what she bought who for Christmas/etc. By the time we were adults we understood a bit more and all the cousins agreed any inheritance would be pooled and shared - including the ‘step’ child in the mix granny refused to acknowledge. Once an inheritance is your daughter’s she can do as she likes with it.

Also, why would OP wanted the husband to adopt the daughter - who he’s been very clear he doesn’t see as his own?

@Devilshands My impression from the OP’s posts has suggested that she does want her DH to treat the two girls exactly the same and be their Dad in every sense as her eldest’s bio Dad is completely uninvolved. Adoption would place them on an equal legal footing as he’d then have PR for both DD’s and send a clear message to his family and her DD.

That’s why some posters (myself included) are suggesting adoption. Did you get a different impression from the OP’s posts? Genuine, non-goady question.

Obviously if she doesn’t want him to have PR, that’s fine.

It’s not what OP wants though that matters for adoption. I’m sure OP would leap at the chance tbh…

BUT ’DH’ has to want to do it…and judging by his approach, words and actions so far, he has no interest in seeing the older daughter as his own. He talks a good talk but hasn’t walked the walk (his phrasing after the initial argument/ position on schooling all tell us this). So adoption wouldn’t work. Even if he did willingly do it (doubtful IMO) it wouldn’t change his families attitudes either which is just as big an issue. It also wouldn’t automatically entitle the daughter to ‘any extras’ (school support/inheritance etc).

It’s really sad for OP and her elder daughter but there’s no fix here. It’s too broken, I think.

Her sense of entitlement to other people’s money to pay for her elder child or to totally screw over the younger girl is hideous.
Surely the husband just needs to adopt the elder DD? Then she will be fully integrated with his family. We have heard her bio-father (sorry) is uninvolved.
If I were the PIL and adoption had not been mentioned I may well think my son had a reason for this omission.
Either they're family or they aren't and so far, they aren't.

My question to OH would be…. If we separated, would you be happy for DD2 to be treated like this by my new OH’s family/ your new OH’s family?

I wouldn’t want to be denied opportunities in the name of ‘making things fair’, no. If my parent had decided to do that, I would not be thanking them, and it’s unlikely that our relationship would be a positive one. There have been countless threads on here about this being done, and the damage that has been caused in the name of ‘not doing damage’.

An unequal dynamic already exists. Pretending it doesn’t won’t change that. You don’t avoid resentment by denying someone opportunities open to them.

OP may not approve of her youngest going to private school, and if she and her husband continue to disagree it could end up in the hands of a judge.

In defence of MIL... There are so many threads where the advice to a SM is to accept that every weekend their DH will be off with his older kids as they need time to bond without younger half siblings around. Very important.
Is it so very difficult to imagine that MIL might want time to focus on her own DGC?
I like to have one to one time with my own kids sometimes as each is absolutely an "impediment" in his own way as their ages/stages/needs are often in conflict. Do you never do this with your girls?

Well if there wasn't any money then there wouldn't be a problem in the first place.

Both children would be treated equally going forwards. Neither would have any significant inheritance in the future and neither would be going to private school.

It can only arise if one side has money and the other doesn't.

I wouldn't expect the dh's parents to feel the same for the step child as they do for their own but would expect them to make as best an effort as they can so the older dd feels no different.

I would however find it unreasonable to expect them to leave her any inheritance.

My brother remarried and took on a four year old child. That child has been part of our family from day 1, he's now in his teens with a little sister. My Mum and Das have never differentiated. Both are their grandchildren and I am auntie to both. I would never exclude the older child, he's one of us and can count on us to have his best interests at heart in everything.

We celebrate his birthdays, Xmas and I even gave him £20 on his sisters birthday recently. He likes gaming and all teens enjoy a bit of in app purchasing. He comes along to all family celebrations.and my Mum adores her grandson.