Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

It seems like in honesty you and DH have to sit down and have a very long conversation about things.

You think he should treat both your children equally and he thinks there's a difference (despite what he says) and treating them differently is OK for some things.

If your eldest was due to get a massive inheritance from your ex. What would you do in that scenario? Would you make her split it with her sister? Probably not? It would be a bit wierd. And when they get older then you won't be able to make them do anything like that.

I'm afraid that these two girls are not the same. And there will be differences in family and relationships. If you split from your DH, it's likely that your eldest would lose some or all of the relationships she's built with him and his family. That's just a fact. Not least because he would have no ability to enforce it (see sep thread about a step dad overreaching post split). What about when she is a teen, will you (and she) allow him to discipline her or will you want to take the lead? What if the dad comes back into her life and wants to do things differently?

So you need to sit down and talk about what you want and all the scenarios and permutations. This wedding has just exposed something here and you both probably need to get to the bottom of it.

Your DH isn't treating DD1 as his own. He is the problem. You are a family. He wants to give DD2 opportunities he's not prepared to finance for DD1. Personally, I wouldn't accept that. He can't make his family treat DD1 the same and as family but he bloody well should.

The inheritance thing I understand. He will leave his money to DD2. You will leave your money to DD1 and DD2. DD1 has her own paternal family she will inherit from.

I dint think it's unreasonable for MIL to want to spend the occasional day will DD2 alone.

The family photo is what it is. I think you need to explain to DD1 that all family's are different. You are a blended family. This is DD2 family because its DD2s dad's family. Her bio family is your family and her dad's family. Sometimes DD2 will get gifts/ trips that she won't get and vice versa.

Make sure your will is water tight so DD1 definitely inherits from you. I have a few friends who got nothing because there parent dies first and the step parent inherited and then left all the money to their bio kids.

In all honestly I don't think I'd continue the relationship with DH. He doesn't seem to accept DD1 as his.

I personally don't want a step anything daughter, son, niece, nephew. I've done it before and got hurt. After 14 years of treating the kids as my family the relationship broke down and I was told the kids aren't anything to do with me. However, I wouldn't be cruel. I think not inviting DD1 to the wedding was cruel.

I don’t get this ‘blood’ related argument. As a mother to adopted children it’s highly offensive. Blood isn’t what makes a family, it goes much deeper than that.
In any case, for those who are so intent on making this about blood relations, the eldest daughter is blood related to the younger daughter. They’re sisters and should be treated a such by the whole family.

We’re they wealthy? I think working class families (I’m from one) tend to be easier about accepting ‘other than their blood’ into the fold. Money, particularly’family money’ makes things more tricky.

Agreeing with this.

OP, while your husband may be happy to house and provide for your elder daughters needs, even holidays and days out….

To expect him to take on paying for a private school education and to advocate for her to have a major inheritance is loopy. It diverts money away from his daughter who only has him as a father.

Your elder daughter has a father. And a family on his side. If they are poor or are failing in their obligations towards her that is their fault - and yours for deciding to have a child with him.

All you are achieving by creating this almighty fuss is to destroy familial relations and ruin prospects for your younger daughter as well - who has every right to a relationship with her family and to inherit from them when the time comes.

Your elder daughter is not the financial responsibility of your husband and his family - she has two parents and their associates families who should be stepping up for her, clearly they aren’t!!

@Lovelylydia again - adoption is different: 2 parents, child entirely theirs…

Step child has a father and he and his family is not contributing.

Rather than take responsibility for this herself, OP is wanting her new DH and his family to front money and opportunity for her elder daughter to make up for her parents being unable to.

Rightly they don’t want to as it will take resources away from the younger daughter, and lots of other children in the family that they have responsibility to.

I agree with PP’s who say that there are two separate issues here. The DH’s family have been horrible regarding the wedding, they deliberately excluded a child until pressurized into inviting her. That’s so unkind.

Re. Financial provision (private school and inheritance) I’m guessing that your DH doesn’t have parental responsibility so has no right to make decisions regarding your eldest DD’s education? You and her father both have PR and make those decisions. If you want your eldest to go to private school but need financial help to do this, you’ll have to raise it with your DH.

Inheritance is also tricky because your DH’s family can leave their money to whomever they wish, as can your eldest DD’s paternal side. Your DH himself may leave something to both girls (or leave everything to you if he goes first) but that’s all he can control.

Different circumstances but my Dad remarried after my Mum died and I didn’t inherit anything from my step-Mum. Everything went to her side of the family, which was fine by me, it was her money.

OP can’t just say no to her youngest going to private school, given that it’s a decision they’re both responsible for (or a court is, if they remain in disagreement and it escalates to that point). She should also be mindful about not denying her youngest the opportunities that aren’t available to her older sister. As far as ‘dividing the sisters’ goes, that type of thing can very easily, and does, cause resentment in the youngest who doesn’t want to be denied things as a means of compensating their sibling. As much as some may like to think the youngest will naturally ‘side’ with her mother and think badly of her father and paternal family, that is wishful thinking. ‘Protecting’ her eldest should not come at the expense of her youngest.

Ugh! Some of you are so determined to make OP out to be completely unreasonable! She hasn't said she expects H to pay for private education for her daughter. She expects equal opportunities for them both - since he claimed they're equal in his eyes. She'd be happy with younger daughter going to the same school as the eldest. He's the one insisting on private education for the younger one.

@Lovelylydia I’m guessing that her DH doesn’t have parental responsibility for her eldest daughter, the OP and the child’s father do. So her DH literally has no right to make decisions regarding her education.

@Surprisedbuthappy She’s the only person in this scenario who has the right to make decisions regarding both girls’ education.

Her DH can’t decide to send her eldest DD to private school, he doesn’t have PR. He can make decisions about the youngest, with the OP’s consent. If she disagrees about private school, she can say so.

Thats a tricky one, there was generational wealth on my step-dad’s father’s side (however he died before I was born), but my (step) grandmother came from a less affluent family herself and probably would have been classed as working class before marriage. My Mum’s family overall were/are far wealthier than my step-dad’s though (my poor grandfather was shipped off to boarding school at 6 😳). Everything monetary in my (step) grandmother’s will was split equally between her two children, however I got left a special locket which probably had more sentimental and monetary value than anything my siblings or cousins received. I know everything in my Mum and step Dad’s wills gets left equally between us 4 children.

@BruFord And? Why does he get to unilaterally decide youngest goes to private school?

She should stop expecting then, given the disappointment it’s already led to. They’re not ‘equal’, are they? They don’t share the same family members, opportunities and financial resources. That’s the reality.

You said in your last update on the previous thread that you're upset that your eldest dd won't inherit from her step family and her step dad won't pay for private school. Your eldest is not your DH's biological or adopted DD so of course he's going to save money for his bio dd.

You mentioned that your family love your dds so I think you should focus on them instead. Your DH can take his dd (your youngest) to see her side of the family.

@Surprisedbuthappy Why doesn't the OP just say no if she disagrees with it? Can he force their DD to go to a certain school? For a private school, I think the parents would have to sign a contract, wouldn’t they?

I genuinely don’t know the answer as I’ve never been in this situation.

You’ve said your eldest daughter’s father has nothing to do with her, have you and your DH discussed him adopting her? Is this something he’d like to do or that you’d like him to do? Obviously her biological father would have to give permission but if he’s not in the picture maybe he’d be happy to let that happen.

No, they're clearly not equal to him. We've established that. He lied to her.

Did he lie? Or did she just choose not to see? The fact that he didn’t and doesn’t expect his family to treat her daughter as their relative, and hasn’t included her in his will, would suggest OP did in fact know where he stood. So would the fact that she doesn’t consider him an equal parent to her when it comes to the eldest

But they can't be equal. If the situation was different and the eldest had a v wealthy dad as exH and was invited on ski trips and got expensive presents from the ex and was sent to expensive private that they couldn't afford for youngest. What would they do? Ban the trip and the present because it would make the youngest upset? Take the eldest feom a school she was happy and stable in just to be "fair"? They could not do that if the exH/Dad had PR.
No they'd have to sit down with the youngest and explain that eldest sis had a different Dad and that it may seem a bit unfair but that's how it is etc etc.
So they can't have equal opportunities really unless the three parents (OP, DH and ex) all agree that everything should be equal and make sure that it is. Never seen that happen!

Of course the family should treat the eldest as part of family and have invited to wedding btw! I'm just talking about other things that won't necessarily be equal all the time

I commented a couple of times on the first thread.

Your DH and in-laws are telling you LOUD AND CLEAR who and what they are. It's astonishing to me that you didn't figure this out before you brought your eldest into this situation. That strikes me as extremely irresponsible, and not good parenting. The inheritance around your flat/his house would have rung alarm bells with me; surely you would have talked through things like money and inheritance and education and the family home??

They're allowed to have a different view on step-children from you, of course they are. But YOU CHOSE to marry into this family. YOU did this. If you didn't know, that's YOUR doing. You can bitch and moan about them all you like but that doesn't change anything - and you're certainly not going to change them.

I agree, and really these issues ought to have been addressed before OP and he married.

The eldest girl is disadvantaged because her parents aren't wealthy. But that's life - some have more than others. Surely the OP knew her fella was wealthy before she married him so surely considered potential problems if they had children together?

I’d be out. Honestly how shit all round for you and your daughter.

Rather than direct the anger (and efforts) at forcing the DHs family to accept a step child as their own, why not direct it at the family of the ex./the ex. and get them to step up in their family roles ?

Hang on, did they discuss how their children together would be treated financially compared to any children of a previous relationship?

Did he say Eldest girl will be treated exactly the same in all respects, and he will make his will reflect equality between ALL children involved?

Did they discuss what would happen to the inheritance if they divorced?

You can't say he lied. OP hasn't said whether any of these issues were talked about and agreed before they married.