Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

All the rest of the stuff I agree they're very wrong but surely it's fair enough to want to see your grandchild alone occasionally?

I'm not a step parent but if I became one I reckon my mum would insist on seeing my DC alone sometimes. It's a special bond and if OP and hubby split she'll never see the eldest again anyway. He hasn't adopted her so he isn't committed to this for life imo

Has your DH ever suggested paying for your eldest daughter to go to private school? This is definitely something I’d bring up and speak to him about.

Your DH’s family sound horrid, you’d think they’d want to include your daughter and make her feel one of the family. How cruel to want to exclude a young girl who they’ve watched grow up.

I too have a different father to my siblings, I don’t have a relationship with my biological father and I was 3 when my Mum met my step-dad. He never officially adopted me (although I now have his surname) and to be honest we haven’t always had the best relationship, we clashed a lot when I was younger. However right from the beginning his family treated me as another grandchild/niece etc. There was literally no difference to how I was treated. I’ve been included in every family event/family photos etc since. When my grandmother died and my Aunt put an obituary in the paper I was listed in the obituary as one of her grandchildren. When I was younger I used to go and stay with her on my own and she always seemed equally happy to see and spend time with me as she did my younger siblings. That’s how a family should act, just because you aren’t blood it doesn’t mean you can’t still be a family.

I’ve just read your update op, you must be reeling. How utterly awful of your dh. It’s so awful that I even started to wonder about the veracity of this thread (not troll hunting - just gobsmacked that anyone would behave that way).

All the posters saying you’re depriving your younger daughter of what she is entitled to, and advantages in life - absolutely not. What the dh is doing is potentially creating a divide between two sisters. Who would actually want to be in the younger sister’s shoes? I wouldn’t, and I wouldn’t do it to my dc.

Op

I think you need to take a breath here: of course you're disappointed that your husbands extended family don't see your daughter in the same way as they see their biological granddaughter, I'm sure that was your hope when you got married and youre clear that your dh had never treated them differently which is as it should be , having said that you can't dictate that what your in laws feel and neither can your dh. As the girls have different fathers and extended families , they are going to have different opportunities in life. It sounds like your younger daughter will have an inheritance form her fathers family where your oldest won't and that sucks for her and you. Having said that they can choose who to leave money to and you can't dictate that

At this stage . I'd attend the wedding and let them take their photo with the grandkids but take a massive step back from your relationship in real life in order that your daughter doesn't feel so hurt when the penny drops that they don't view her the same way as her sister .
Your dh can facilitate the relationship with your younger how ever he chooses to do so.

Blended families are hard. Feel sorry for your daughter in all of this. Such a pity that her fathers family are so flakey. It would make the world of difference if she had her own relationships there.

OP has been called all sorts of names for feeling as she does though. Yes, she has to come to terms with it. It seems like OP is perfectly aware of that. She's only just starting that process as she's only just understood the depth of feeling from her husband and in-laws. She doesn't need kicking when she's down and made to feel like it's all her fault for the family set-up she's got. She married a man who claimed he'd treat her daughter as his own. He's not living up to his claims.

(And yes, that was his choice and no, he can't force his family to take the child on in the same way he claimed he would - but he bloody well could have supported OP by standing up for eldest daughter to at least be invited to the wedding, not to mention the whole private school thing which is absolutely awful of him.)

I think your husband is playing the good Father to blindside you. He is notbl a good stepfather, he is manipulative, he has only just told you about sending his biological child to a private school but has no intention of paying for his step daughter. He is just playing the good step dad for show.
To be fair you cannot expect your child to inherit from his family though.
I really think your elder daughter is at a disadvantage from this set up, and I feel you should make it clear the private school is not happening unless the same offer is extended to your 1st daughter as they are both your children.
I notice he was also quick to say about her biological Father doing nothing. I would never advise you what to do but good luck with whatever you decide.

It was her choice, and as the one with the child she most definitely had the responsibility for that child, to marry her husband and have another child. It doesn’t sound like her husband has ever had this expectation of his family in regards her eldest, and nor does it sound like he has taken her on as fully his own - OP herself doesn’t consider his an equal parent to her eldest, and she has accepted the fact that he hasn’t included her in his will.

It sounds more like OP has always known this, but the wedding issue means it’s come to a head and she’s been forced to confront it.

@britneyisfree tbh I can't imagine resenting the presence of a child I'd known since she was 4. I get that it might be different seeing bio grandchildren alone, if step grandchildren came on the scene later on, after your own dgc were already born and you didn't really know the step children. Idk, I just can't imaging treating two young children, who are sisters and live together ft, differently just because one isn't blood.

Yep, OP most likely should have seen the warning signs a lot earlier and probably should have made different decisions in the past. But she didn't. She's here - married to a liar with a nasty family.

As is usually the case you started off being reasonable and have descended into being unreasonable due to the stress most likely

Ask on here about step parents thinking and treating their step kids the same as their own children and you’d get similar views to your in laws

Your DH isn’t your eldests dad, his family do not consider her the same as your youngest, which is quite common.

After all this id not be going to the wedding as it seems to have just blown up and will be quite awkward all round

@Surprisedbuthappy you’re right. Thank you.

Why would he pay for his step child’s private education?

Have a word

Could you imagine the responses if someone posted here ‘AIBU to not want to pay for my step childs private school’ everyone would be in favour of not paying

One thing I've learned from Mumsnet is that people love children- until it comes to weddings. Then the attitude is "eff those kids, I have the most money in this situation, I can be as awful as I want to children and parents!". And because it's a wedding (much more important than children), everyone agrees.

My sympathies, people that want to celebrate the start of their family but making you feel like yours isn't important are not good people.

Wow wow wow.

Your DH and the inheritance and private school bombshells
I dont envy you @KeenHiker this is a horrible situation to be in especially as your own DH doesnt view the 4 of you as a family unit together 😪

You'd think even by virtue of the fact its his child's sister (her only family once you both die) he would do the decent thing.

On a very boring related note: your will...
Is it up to date and watertight with everything going to the girls?
You clearly cant leave anything to your dh at all as you can't trust him to pass it on fairly.
Eg. If your estate is worth 400k so 200k is to go to your DD... if he gets it he either wont give it to her or will give that exact amount when he dies. But lets be real 200k in 2026 is not the same as 200k in 2050.

You also potentially .and more seriously leave a mess in terms of conflict and resentment between the girls..

God such a mess. I really feel for you...

What a bizarre comment

Someone’s wedding will usually always be more important to them than the kids of family members and friends.

Your family is factually not important to them, nor should it be

As a mum of two girls married remarried to another man and having a child with him I can't imagine the pain this situation is causing.

people are toxic. My own family don't want anything to do with any of my children so posts like this just highlight how different some people are in terms of decency.
all you can control is how you treat your children and who you allow access to your children.

You are doing the right thing, hold your head high and know you aren’t stopping to their petty level. Go to the wedding enjoy a day dressing up with your lovely girls and know you are a good person

I would be putting my foot down over the private school

Unless you only have failing secondaries near you she'd go to the catchment school

Have a word with yourself as well, look at the circumstances,they are a family, the elder daughter see's him as her Father, if the youngest is going to be privately educated the elder hould have the same opportunity, they are both the Mothers children, he should have recognised this when he married her.

I would agree with you if the stepmother had no children of her own and the Father only saw the child at the weekend, but in this case they are a family with two children not just his one.

I can't believe some people. I am so cross on ypur behalf ypur poor daughter :(

I have a daughter whose father has no involvement and a new husband and baby. Dd is 7 and baby is 6 months. DH has been in DDs life since she was 2. I can't imagine my husband ever doing anything like this or his family. Him and his family do not differentiate at all. It's always just daughter/granddaughter/cousin etc. And if one gets they all get.

I think I am most cross at your husband tbh, regardless of what he says he clearly does treat them/view them differently. Your youngest would be going to private school over my dead body if eldest wasn't given the same opportunity.

It was my DDs birthday recently and BIL and SIL forgot. My MIL and FIL were livid!

That is how family should be. No child should be made to feel like a second class citizen in their own family.

I hope this doesn't come across as me shouting at you OP, you have dealt with everything very well and amicably.

this post made me cry a bit. They’re better grandparents than my actual parents who seem to have very little interest. You’re right it’s just the difference of being good people

The school would upset me more. Firstly he doesn't tell you what is happening for school choices and secondly why isn't it an option for eldest? Especially as only a couple of years both there at the same time.

Gran has no right to complain about not seeing youngest alone. Has she invited her anywhere alone? Why would you amd dh visit without eldest ever???

I would go to the wedding and be pleasent in group events but opinion of them all would have changed and i would be very low contact going forward.

I commented on your last thread but I see things have moved on. You're a better woman than me, they'd have to drag me to that wedding.

@ChampagneLassie I'm sorry, I don't want you to feel bad. If it helps, before FIL got remarried he was pretty useless & spineless (unless it was calling me a gold digger 🙄, had the spine for that), it's his now-wife that's made the difference. They are both from the same social class & he veered much more towards traditional middle class thinking but she has zero truck with it. She & I have very little in common but she gets family comes in all shapes, sizes, combinations & they are all important! It's a measure of her entirely.

Compare her to FIL parents who refused to even meet me & DS for YEARS cos I was divorced, grotty little wankers. Working class, divorced mum with child - I was positively satanic 🤣.

Thankfully FIL was entirely capable of change, it just took the right woman...doesn't it always...

You expected to marry into a wealthy family and have them treat your existing unrelated child the same in terms of inheritance? That’s unreasonable and a little mad. I have a stepchild and no, she will not be inheriting from me or my parents. Why would she? She is not our descendant! If you split with your DH your youngest is still going to benefit from having well off paternal family as that’s her family. It still won’t be your eldest’s family. Once again, the only person to blame here is you - you had a child in a relationship that didn’t work out; you married into a wealthy family (rich ppl are not known for giving their money away out of blood family bonds); you felt entitled that your existing child would Be treated as blood - all you. You divorcing because you didn’t think through the reality of your two kids having very different fathers is just creating another mess your kids will suffer from. Please get some therapy and strategies for helping your eldest navigate a broken family dynamic. Ideally, help her have a relationship with her paternal grandmother, who clearly loves her