Who's at fault here?

[paininthebac]

I have asd , I'm hyper sensitive to noise , lights, movement etc. Dh knows this. I also have a long term back problem due to an accident I had 15 years ago, my back can go into spasm if I get jolted or twist suddenly. This happens often unfortunately.

Last night dh was getting our son ready for bed and I was doing jobs. I finished and ds was still in bath so I decided to lay on my bed for five minutes with my book. I was laid on my front not facing the door. Dh shouts ready from ds room. I read another page, dh came in to wash his hands and I said 'I'm coming' I finished my page and dh shouted my name loudly from the doorway. I jumped as it frightened me and because I was on my front my back seized.

Ds who's 8 came in and cuddled me and helped me get up. He asked dh if he had said sorry dh said he had (neither ds or I heard it so I don't think he did) I was reading ds a story and trying not to cry as I was in so much pain.

We got through bedtime and went downstairs, dh said are you ok ? and I said not really. He gave me a hug, I started to say I know he didn't mean for me to hurt myself but it's not nice to shout at people. He immediately got angry and said it wasn't his fault as I should have come as soon as he called and he wouldn't have had to shout. He then proceeded to not speak to me for the evening.

The thing is I understand it's annoying I didn't come straight away, but it was literally a minute or two and he was still doing jobs. And he didn't shout to get my attention, he shouted when he was about 6 foot away from me so to me the making me jump was deliberate although I assume he forgot about my back.

I think it was a shitty thing for him to do and more shitty not to apologise properly. Aibu?

I think you were in the wrong. He told they were ready and went to wash his hands. That’s a completely reasonable amount of time for you to get up. Instead you continued reading, and he probably shouted because you still hadn’t moved to get up.

You took too long reading .

I think YABU. You were rude to ignore DH the first time and continue reading without saying anything. A simple acknowledgement, 'OK, I'll be there in just a minute' would have prevented this.

My pet peeve is when DH doesn't acknowledge me when I've said/asked something.

Sorry I did shout coming I must have missed it off. I didn't ignore him.

So far just me then. I just don't agree with shouting at/frightening people.

But like yourselves dh thinks it's a normal way to treat people.

I don't it's normal to shout to get one's attention either tbh. Totally unnecessary and shitty thing to do.

He doesn't really need to be shouting at you but you could have got going a bit more quickly when he said he was ready. Does this sort of thing happen often?

This reminds me of that Katherine Tate sketch with the screaming woman.

It sounds like a lot of hard work in your house, lots of egg shells around you.

I don’t know, he shouldn’t have raised his voice/shouted, you need not have reacted so very dramatically and your poor child in the middle of this sounds conditioned to your world.

Sounds like you were more interested in reading your book. You said coming - but you weren’t, you carried on reading. I think you’re being a bit precious about the shouting - how does anyone else know that you would jump and injure your back?

I think I might’ve shouted your name too, not to scare but to finally get you moving. Your poor DS, it sounds like he is conditioned to fuss around you.

I also agree with others about getting your son involved. Why did he need to ask your husband if he had apologised ? I guess because you were dissing him to your dear son . Not good .

I’m sorry for your pain but you do seem a bit precious.

Yup, I agree with PP you were in the wrong.

You were quite rude. If you didn’t acknowledge him at all how did he know you heard?

Your update suggests you find it difficult to know when you’re at fault which must be difficult for your family.

You sound a bit precious tbh, seems your DH it's more than patient with your bad back issues.

I was laid on my front not facing the door. Dh shouts ready from ds room. I read another page, dh came in to wash his hands and I said 'I'm coming' I finished my page and dh shouted my name loudly from the doorway.

If you mistyped the order of events such that you actually responded immediately he said "Ready" then YANBU. But what you wrote suggests you took your time about acknowledging him. He will not know if you were ignoring him or didn't hear him, hence the shout. You've both contributed to the problem.

Agree with everyone else. You're laying it on a bit thick to keep saying he frightened you, he made you jump yes, but it's not frightening or scary is it. Why is your child involved in taking sides and seeking apologies, that's weird.

Did he shout or did he snap loudly at you? Sounds as though he'd had a bit of a day and wanted to sign off for the evening and yet you carried on reading your book, nice and comfy. Couples do snap when they're stressed out so think I'd be apologising for not giving him a hand when he'd needed it - or nobody apologise as these scenarios are part and parcel of family life. He did hug you and ask if you were OK after all.

It sounds like a lot of nonsense over nothing.

Shouting I'm coming when you had no intention of actually coming but every intention of finishing up when you wanted os equally as rude as someone shouting your name again to get your attention.

Why on earth mention that your 8 year old didn't hear DH say sorry. This suggests you tried to involve your child in a petty squabble which is far worse than either of the 2 things ie. ignoring DH/him shouting. Don't involve your child in your arguments. The fact you did this tends to make me believe you were the one more in the wrong and look for drama where there is none

YABU for all the reasons pp have listed.

Are you having treatment for your back? Sounds quite dramatic to have it seize at being startled.

I can’t believe this replies. As DH was getting DS ready for bed, why couldn’t he get ds out of the bath? Why do they need you too? Especially with your bad back?

Too many people are quick to blame the women when the man should be able to handle basic tasks himself.

She has explained that her back seized and she was in so much pain she was almost crying.

Or does her pain not matter as long as no one upsets the husband?

She clearly meant that as DS also asked if daddy apologised then that meant DS hadn’t heard either. Nothing suggests OP has involved DS.

So your facts are wrong.

I disagree. Why would an 8 year old be saying did daddy say he was sorry? They wouldn't. What did Daddy have to say sorry for? The 8 year old would only believe that Daddy needed to say sorry if Mummy was making a fuss and said Daddy did something wrong and was carrying on making a fuss because Daddy hadn't said sorry. So my facts are not wrong. 🤣