Who's at fault here?

[paininthebac]

I have asd , I'm hyper sensitive to noise , lights, movement etc. Dh knows this. I also have a long term back problem due to an accident I had 15 years ago, my back can go into spasm if I get jolted or twist suddenly. This happens often unfortunately.

Last night dh was getting our son ready for bed and I was doing jobs. I finished and ds was still in bath so I decided to lay on my bed for five minutes with my book. I was laid on my front not facing the door. Dh shouts ready from ds room. I read another page, dh came in to wash his hands and I said 'I'm coming' I finished my page and dh shouted my name loudly from the doorway. I jumped as it frightened me and because I was on my front my back seized.

Ds who's 8 came in and cuddled me and helped me get up. He asked dh if he had said sorry dh said he had (neither ds or I heard it so I don't think he did) I was reading ds a story and trying not to cry as I was in so much pain.

We got through bedtime and went downstairs, dh said are you ok ? and I said not really. He gave me a hug, I started to say I know he didn't mean for me to hurt myself but it's not nice to shout at people. He immediately got angry and said it wasn't his fault as I should have come as soon as he called and he wouldn't have had to shout. He then proceeded to not speak to me for the evening.

The thing is I understand it's annoying I didn't come straight away, but it was literally a minute or two and he was still doing jobs. And he didn't shout to get my attention, he shouted when he was about 6 foot away from me so to me the making me jump was deliberate although I assume he forgot about my back.

I think it was a shitty thing for him to do and more shitty not to apologise properly. Aibu?

But why did her son need to be involved at all?

it does sound like the Op is the one who was unreasonable initially and is making things into a bigger deal.

But why did OP need to be involved? Why couldn’t grown ass DH handle bedtime?

If DH was lying on the bed reading when I was doing bathtime, and insisted on finishing pages before answering, I wouldn’t be amused.

‘I’m coming’ when you aren’t is massively irritating

I don't think he did anything wrong. He tried to get your attention and accidentally made you jump. He didn't do it on purpose and couldn't have know it would make you hurt your back.

Why do you need him for bedtime with one kid? Why not just take it in turns?

Did he think you'd fallen asleep because you were on your front facing away from the door and attempting to rouse you?

Tbh I think PP have covered most of the reasons it seems that YABU for!

Are you having any treatment for your back? I've got back issues and really find strengthening my core has helped massively. Id be worried for your back if someone making you startled when you're lying on your front can put it into a full spasm, how is it feeling this morning?

Maybe the son wanted his mum to go in?

absolutley nothing suggests he needed help. It simply sounds like the son was waiting for Mum to go in which is what happens in plenty of families. But the op prioritised her book.

YABU for everything apps have already said. I'd have been annoyed too if I was DH

This. Sounds highly annoying that everyone needs to tip toe around your back issue. And why the dramatics for your ds?

Then DH should have come and said that to OP instead of shouting at her.

I don’t think you have reason to be angry with your DH. It’s not his fault you chose bath and bedtime as an opportunity to lie down with a book and it’s not his fault that you have a bad back.

To be honest it's sounds unhealthy for your child.

You said you were coming. You weren't. He got annoyed. He shouted it made you jump. Don't think anyone intended to do anything bad.

I do think if someone posted 'dh really winds me up. I was bathing and getting son ready for bed, he was coming into to say goodnight to ds and I shouted for him to come in and he said he was coming. But then just continued to read his book' People would agree it was irritating.

But the fact that your son came in and trying to comfort and help you and wanting to know if his Dad said sorry, suggests the child ends up in the middle all the time.

The the whole 'neither ds or me heard him say it' why is that a discussion your child is involved with at all.

We do. While the other person does some of the other stuff that needs done in the evening of a busy family household - loads dishwasher, feeds dog etc.

Not while the other lies on the bed reading a book and shouting ‘coming’ when they insist on finishing their page. Then somehow thinking they are the aggrieved party.

But OP says she did her jobs?

Him waiting a minute or 2 probably seemed a lot longer to him as he was dealing with your son. He probably shouted it with frustration and completely forgot about your back, he probably didn't realise you were lying on your front either. It sucks you got hurt but he hugged you and then got on the defensive cause you implied he's just shouting for no reason probably

YABU for reasons people have already stated.

I agree, your husband's not the one at fault here.

Why does it take two of you to bath and put to bed an 8 year old?
And from what you wrote it does come across as you basically ignored him to continue reading, replied and then continued reading.
He raised his voice to get your attention not to purposely hurt you.

YABU!!

You are probably in a worse mood about this as you are in pain, but it’s not his fault you hurt your back op.

Of course her pain matters. What a bizarre suggestion. But that doesn't detract from what I said, frightened? Really? Getting her child involved?

You said you'd be there but carried on reading. I would have shouted as well to get your attention if you'd ignored me. No need to get your child involved either. I agree your home sounds like walking on eggshells.

Because he shouted at her, that made her jump and her back to seize up. She doesn’t even say she was frightened, you made that up.

She’s now in pain and for you to say she’s laying it on thick is typical woman blaming

No not really but I admit I do struggle to put down a book.

Yabu for all the reasons already mentioned and it does feel a bit like you want everyone in the house to tiptoe around in case you are some how startled . With a tween in the house , you had better learn to cope as they head toward teen years .