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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's at fault here?

215 replies

paininthebac · 02/03/2024 05:09

I have asd , I'm hyper sensitive to noise , lights, movement etc. Dh knows this. I also have a long term back problem due to an accident I had 15 years ago, my back can go into spasm if I get jolted or twist suddenly. This happens often unfortunately.

Last night dh was getting our son ready for bed and I was doing jobs. I finished and ds was still in bath so I decided to lay on my bed for five minutes with my book. I was laid on my front not facing the door. Dh shouts ready from ds room. I read another page, dh came in to wash his hands and I said 'I'm coming' I finished my page and dh shouted my name loudly from the doorway. I jumped as it frightened me and because I was on my front my back seized.

Ds who's 8 came in and cuddled me and helped me get up. He asked dh if he had said sorry dh said he had (neither ds or I heard it so I don't think he did) I was reading ds a story and trying not to cry as I was in so much pain.

We got through bedtime and went downstairs, dh said are you ok ? and I said not really. He gave me a hug, I started to say I know he didn't mean for me to hurt myself but it's not nice to shout at people. He immediately got angry and said it wasn't his fault as I should have come as soon as he called and he wouldn't have had to shout. He then proceeded to not speak to me for the evening.

The thing is I understand it's annoying I didn't come straight away, but it was literally a minute or two and he was still doing jobs. And he didn't shout to get my attention, he shouted when he was about 6 foot away from me so to me the making me jump was deliberate although I assume he forgot about my back.

I think it was a shitty thing for him to do and more shitty not to apologise properly. Aibu?

OP posts:
TheDuck2018 · 02/03/2024 08:25

The drip feeds are coming now 🙄

You're still the unreasonable one, op.

Original poster
paininthebac · 02/03/2024 08:27

@pensione I'm not sure but I may have used the word frightened in a later post. Loud sudden noises really scare me if they are unexpected. I know it sounds ridiculous but it is the case. I also struggle with bright lights, too much happening at once. I can't spin in a circle without feeling sick. I can't watch anything where there's shakey camera or lots of movement, I struggle being a passenger in a car. I can't turn my head suddenly without feeling sick.

My body is hyper sensitive to everything, which is apparently part of my asd /adhd.

OP posts:
Original poster
paininthebac · 02/03/2024 08:28

Crazycrazylady · 02/03/2024 08:02

Yabu for all the reasons already mentioned and it does feel a bit like you want everyone in the house to tiptoe around in case you are some how startled . With a tween in the house , you had better learn to cope as they head toward teen years .

He's my third I have two adult dd. They were teens when he was a toddler!!

OP posts:
Original poster
paininthebac · 02/03/2024 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Not me maybe coincidentally someone who is understanding of asd and back pain. But I agree it's a small following

OP posts:
Original poster
paininthebac · 02/03/2024 08:31

@Spirallingdownwards I see your point but ds is very black and white. I cried out dh said what's up, I said my back seized when you shouted. Ds would see me in pain think dad needs to say sorry. But wouldn't understand deeper than that if that makes sense.

OP posts:
JJathome · 02/03/2024 08:31

What do you want op. Do you want confirmation your husband was in the wrong? It does read like this is what you’re aiming for, you don’t want honest opinions you just want people to tell you it was all your husbands fault.

TempName247 · 02/03/2024 08:31

Don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to finish your page/chapter before getting up and I also don’t think there is anything wrong with being shouted for if DH didn’t hear you. It seems like a non issue to me, although you were probably extra annoyed due to being in pain.

pensione · 02/03/2024 08:31

paininthebac · 02/03/2024 08:27

@pensione I'm not sure but I may have used the word frightened in a later post. Loud sudden noises really scare me if they are unexpected. I know it sounds ridiculous but it is the case. I also struggle with bright lights, too much happening at once. I can't spin in a circle without feeling sick. I can't watch anything where there's shakey camera or lots of movement, I struggle being a passenger in a car. I can't turn my head suddenly without feeling sick.

My body is hyper sensitive to everything, which is apparently part of my asd /adhd.

Totally understandable, OP, he should not have shouted.

Why can’t he do bedtime on his own? Did he get ds out of bath?

Original poster
paininthebac · 02/03/2024 08:32

Ds was on the landing, it's not a big house.

OP posts:
Original poster
paininthebac · 02/03/2024 08:33

Lovingitallnow · 02/03/2024 08:16

If you think your dh shouted at you to frighten you then you have big issues in your marriage. In that situation my dh would do the exact same. He'd be annoyed that he'd called me and I said I was coming twice (a lie clearly) and not shifting, he'd 100% shout out of exasperation. But I'd never think it was to frighten me. Second issue is he says he said sorry and you think he's lying.

It doesn't matter how stranger on the internet behave with one another, the key point here is you think your husband is trying to frighten and is lying. That's something to consider more.

Also to consider is your black and white son immediately thought dh was in the wrong for shouting but you're not in the wrong for lying. My 7 year old is a big one for being black and white about me saying "just give me a second" because I'm clearly longer than a second.

Same I can not same give me a minute because I get exactly a minute.😂

OP posts:
Original poster
paininthebac · 02/03/2024 08:34

GlitteryEars · 02/03/2024 08:17

@paininthebac please bear in mind that most of these replies don't come from a place of understanding anything about being autistic.

Yeah I know. I also know it makes me hard work. I guess I'm getting dh perspective here?

OP posts:
pensione · 02/03/2024 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you referring to me?

If you have sock puppeting concerns, report them to MNHQ, don’t derail the thread with your ridiculous troll hunting just because you can’t take anything other than an echo chamber.

Cantara · 02/03/2024 08:36

I wouldn't automatically assume all of those saying YABU aren't understanding of ASD and/or back pain. We sound similar in that I am also autistic, one of my children is too and has some delays, and I suffer from back pain, however my back will freeze up in certain situations instead of spasming.
I think YABU too, because you're framing it as DH trying to frighten you. I would be frustrated if someone said "coming" and just... didn't. You also mention him walking for around 6 feet making no noise as if it was intentional, but it depends if it was, or not. I can't count the amount of times I've scared the life out of DP and my parents (as a child) because they hadn't heard me coming up to them and I hadnt realised I'd been so quiet, so assumed they knew I was there.
If this was intentional then there is a problem, but it sounds more like he was frustrated at you fobbing him off.

Original poster
paininthebac · 02/03/2024 08:36

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose I think he meant to make me jump out of annoyance that I kept him waiting? He probably didn't think of the consequences. I don't agree with shouting at people I think everything can be said in a normal voice.

OP posts:
Original poster
paininthebac · 02/03/2024 08:37

OldRyanGoose · 02/03/2024 08:24

As a fellow back pain sufferer I can appreciate how fragile you must feel and how the pain can overwhelm you and cloud your emotional reactions. From your point of view he did something unthoughtful which triggered an acute bout of pain. From his point of view he was frustrated that you said you were coming but stayed lying down reading.

Neither of you are right or wrong, it's not a black or white situation. You were both frazzled, you by pain, him by frustration, maybe tiredness, we don't know.

As a side note, I was told by my consultant and physiotherapist not to lie on my front. It's the worst position for the spine as it doesn't provide any support. I hope that your pain has eased overnight and that you can enjoy the weekend.

A great reply thank you. Some of my physio stretches are on my front. But yes I've also been told not to be in that position for long periods. It's so comfy tho.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 02/03/2024 08:38

pensione · 02/03/2024 08:34

Are you referring to me?

If you have sock puppeting concerns, report them to MNHQ, don’t derail the thread with your ridiculous troll hunting just because you can’t take anything other than an echo chamber.

Show quote history

I think you are a little put out that most people have said as well as the OP being unreasonable but also that YABU too.

🤣🤣

Original poster
paininthebac · 02/03/2024 08:38

TheDuck2018 · 02/03/2024 08:25

The drip feeds are coming now 🙄

You're still the unreasonable one, op.

I fell asleep after being up most of night so I'm just reading through

OP posts:
Original poster
paininthebac · 02/03/2024 08:39

JJathome · 02/03/2024 08:31

What do you want op. Do you want confirmation your husband was in the wrong? It does read like this is what you’re aiming for, you don’t want honest opinions you just want people to tell you it was all your husbands fault.

No it's fine I'm just clarifying assumptions. I'm ok with being wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
paininthebac · 02/03/2024 08:40

Cantara · 02/03/2024 08:36

I wouldn't automatically assume all of those saying YABU aren't understanding of ASD and/or back pain. We sound similar in that I am also autistic, one of my children is too and has some delays, and I suffer from back pain, however my back will freeze up in certain situations instead of spasming.
I think YABU too, because you're framing it as DH trying to frighten you. I would be frustrated if someone said "coming" and just... didn't. You also mention him walking for around 6 feet making no noise as if it was intentional, but it depends if it was, or not. I can't count the amount of times I've scared the life out of DP and my parents (as a child) because they hadn't heard me coming up to them and I hadnt realised I'd been so quiet, so assumed they knew I was there.
If this was intentional then there is a problem, but it sounds more like he was frustrated at you fobbing him off.

Ok fair point

OP posts:
pensione · 02/03/2024 08:40

Spirallingdownwards · 02/03/2024 08:38

I think you are a little put out that most people have said as well as the OP being unreasonable but also that YABU too.

🤣🤣

Show quote history

Nope, not put out in the slightest, it’s a forum, everyone has opinions.

Clearly YOU are put out so badly though that you are accusing anyone of not towing your line as a sock puppet. Truly pathetic.

Spirallingdownwards · 02/03/2024 08:41

Classic AIBU thread of AIBU where vast majority says yes but OP keeps insisting they aren't. Why ask then?

Even more unreasonable in that no poll was set and everyone had to respond to tell you were. From looking at the thread you would be a 90%+ of not 95% YABU if you had polled.

Spirallingdownwards · 02/03/2024 08:43

pensione · 02/03/2024 08:40

Nope, not put out in the slightest, it’s a forum, everyone has opinions.

Clearly YOU are put out so badly though that you are accusing anyone of not towing your line as a sock puppet. Truly pathetic.

Show quote history

No not anyone 😆 and not put out at all. You and OP can crack on being unreasonable together.

pensione · 02/03/2024 08:45

Spirallingdownwards · 02/03/2024 08:43

No not anyone 😆 and not put out at all. You and OP can crack on being unreasonable together.

Show quote history

You do realise every time you use a laughing emoji it shows you’re seething right?

You crack on sock-puppeting because you can’t bear to hear alternative views.

rookiemere · 02/03/2024 08:45

"I said coming twice"

Well yes thats what you said, but you weren't were you? You were more bothered about reading an extra few pages on your book. I'd be frustrated if I'd called twice for someone and they still weren't there, sounds a bit like what DS17 would do.

Mrsttcno1 · 02/03/2024 08:46

Yeah OP YABU. All he’s done is shout your name to get your attention and if I’d repeatedly called for my husband and he didn’t bother coming I’d assume he hadn’t heard me so would do the same. Nothing at all wrong with that and there’s nothing more annoying than someone saying they are “coming” when actually they’re not, they’re finishing a page, finishing a youtube video/tiktok whatever it is.