Who's at fault here?

[paininthebac]

I have asd , I'm hyper sensitive to noise , lights, movement etc. Dh knows this. I also have a long term back problem due to an accident I had 15 years ago, my back can go into spasm if I get jolted or twist suddenly. This happens often unfortunately.

Last night dh was getting our son ready for bed and I was doing jobs. I finished and ds was still in bath so I decided to lay on my bed for five minutes with my book. I was laid on my front not facing the door. Dh shouts ready from ds room. I read another page, dh came in to wash his hands and I said 'I'm coming' I finished my page and dh shouted my name loudly from the doorway. I jumped as it frightened me and because I was on my front my back seized.

Ds who's 8 came in and cuddled me and helped me get up. He asked dh if he had said sorry dh said he had (neither ds or I heard it so I don't think he did) I was reading ds a story and trying not to cry as I was in so much pain.

We got through bedtime and went downstairs, dh said are you ok ? and I said not really. He gave me a hug, I started to say I know he didn't mean for me to hurt myself but it's not nice to shout at people. He immediately got angry and said it wasn't his fault as I should have come as soon as he called and he wouldn't have had to shout. He then proceeded to not speak to me for the evening.

The thing is I understand it's annoying I didn't come straight away, but it was literally a minute or two and he was still doing jobs. And he didn't shout to get my attention, he shouted when he was about 6 foot away from me so to me the making me jump was deliberate although I assume he forgot about my back.

I think it was a shitty thing for him to do and more shitty not to apologise properly. Aibu?

Have you apologised to your husband and son for lying when you supposedly said “coming”? Although your DH made a big deal out of it, your son wouldn’t know it was wrong.

Which is why posters believe that you must have said or done something for your 8 year old son to believe that your husband needs to apologise.

I highly doubt your husband tried to scare you deliberately, which is what you seem to be saying here. He was frustrated, as would most people in his situation be.

I am far from seething. I am actually laughing. The fact you come back to rant some more suggests you are the one who may indeed be "fuming" . Chill and have a nice weekend.

So you still think he did it on purpose to upset/cause you pain?
Has it been like this for your entire relationship? No lights, no noise, no talking unexpectedly or shouting?
What do you generally do with your day? Does everyone have to think through the 'consequences' before they interact with you?

Some of these responses are horrible and clearly come from people who have no idea what it's like to live with autism or ADHD.

I can see why DH would be annoyed - he called you for help as planned and you carried on reading instead of calling back right away or putting your book down. That's annoying - especially when (from your posts) you knew you'd be needed.

I think the problem is if you don't live with autism or chronic pain you're often completely oblivious to how much it impacts your daily life.

While your DH shouldn't have shouted - I can see why he did and I have to admit if I was waiting for DH and he was faffing about with a book I'd probably get annoyed with him too.

He should apologise for accidentally causing you to hurt your back but I don't think it was anything more than an accident.

And yet here you are back again saying nothing new with your knickers seemingly in a twist.

Calm down dear.

Do all those who think the dh must apologise because op jumped think she should apologise for lying re the 'I'm coming'?
Although I'm surprised she did given the stated expectation of others who say 'in a minute' to be an exact minute?

you asked who was in the wrong.

The vast majority are saying you are. You did ask.

You are adamantly refusing to take the answer to your question.
So what now?
It’s kind of going round and round in circles.

I think the healthy thing to do is to have a conversation with all three of you where everyone acknowledges what they did that was annoying.

You carried on reading your book after you were called. That is incredibly annoying. You should apologise for that.

Your dh startled you. For you in particular, that is particularly annoying due to your back. He should apologise for that.

Your ds should see that it is not a situation of 'mummy victim, daddy wrong', just a series of unfortunate events caused by minor lack of consideration from both sides.

Ah my mum does this

So you have a person who has walked up to your room and then called out your name quite loudly

It could be that

a. They walked normally and rather thoughtlessly called out your name loudly and startled you

b. Crept down the house so that you wouldn't hear them and then deliberately shouted in order to frighten you

The probability of it being a is very high. Yet you have jumped straight to b. I can tell you from experience that living with someone who jumps straight to incredibly negative motivations for everyday events is exhausting. My mother's best is that my dad must have opened a drawer twice in the morning instead of once because he was trying to stress her out to cause a heart attack.

You will find you are a much happier person if you understand that other people are human and not perfect, rather than jumping to the conclusion that they must have very nasty intentions and are deliberately out to upset you.

My mother also has bad health problems, including ironically a very bad back and sensory issues, that include a lot of tip toeing around her. That's fine, except that it makes her very inward looking as has led to some incredibly self centred behaviour.

I am now NC with her partly because living with someone who assumes you are nasty and out to get them constantly is draining.

No it's fine I'm just clarifying assumptions. I'm ok with being wrong

YABU, this is totally your fault. You are making a big fuss over nothing and something that essentially is your fault. Sounds like you play the victim. I hope you take note as majority of people of here have said the same

You said twice that you were coming when you weren’t. I don’t understand why you can’t apologise? Did your son not pick up on that one?

That possibly made it more annoying, as you blatantly weren't coming.

Is it a good idea to read lying on your front when you have a dodgy back?

@dimllaishebiaith thank you hope you are okay now

So you have a child who has a set routine for bedtime and is autistic but you put reading your book ahead of being ready? You then created a fuss changing things even more.

yet your husband is supposed to be the one in the wrong?

No it's fine I'm just clarifying assumptions. I'm ok with being wrong

The precision is ds im the opposite unfortunately 😂

Well you should have told your husband that in the first place . Then non of this nonsense would have occurred .

What was the book, it sounds like one of those unputdownable ones lol.

You are adamantly refusing to take the answer to your question.

Are you reading a different thread to me? Op has said about 3 times now that she's taken on board the replies.

Op, I hope your back feels better today.

I agree with @CatherinedeBourgh you need to sit down and communicate with each other, and I think you should try to focus less on who is right or wrong and more on intentions.

So you shouted - twice - to your DH that you were coming, but you just kept on reading? At your ASD son's bedtime? Your son who was expecting a story from you? While you just lay there reading? I don't blame him for getting irritated!

You're acting as though he made your back seize on purpose.

I noticed this too. They will keep on piling on regardless of what OP says.

So I'm guessing that it's more that you had to take over from your husband & your son couldn't be left in bed waiting for you?

I can see both sides tbh.

If you had obviously heard him there was no need for him to then call any more loudly than he had done before.

Obviously annoying though if it seems that you have no intention of getting up!

He then proceeded to not speak to me for the evening.

Never acceptable!

I think he should apologise because his actions accidentally caused her to get hurt - not because he's necessarily in the wrong.

It's like if I threw something on the sofa and it missed and hit DH, I would apologise even though I didn't do it on purpose and my actions weren't deliberate.