Who's at fault here?

[paininthebac]

I have asd , I'm hyper sensitive to noise , lights, movement etc. Dh knows this. I also have a long term back problem due to an accident I had 15 years ago, my back can go into spasm if I get jolted or twist suddenly. This happens often unfortunately.

Last night dh was getting our son ready for bed and I was doing jobs. I finished and ds was still in bath so I decided to lay on my bed for five minutes with my book. I was laid on my front not facing the door. Dh shouts ready from ds room. I read another page, dh came in to wash his hands and I said 'I'm coming' I finished my page and dh shouted my name loudly from the doorway. I jumped as it frightened me and because I was on my front my back seized.

Ds who's 8 came in and cuddled me and helped me get up. He asked dh if he had said sorry dh said he had (neither ds or I heard it so I don't think he did) I was reading ds a story and trying not to cry as I was in so much pain.

We got through bedtime and went downstairs, dh said are you ok ? and I said not really. He gave me a hug, I started to say I know he didn't mean for me to hurt myself but it's not nice to shout at people. He immediately got angry and said it wasn't his fault as I should have come as soon as he called and he wouldn't have had to shout. He then proceeded to not speak to me for the evening.

The thing is I understand it's annoying I didn't come straight away, but it was literally a minute or two and he was still doing jobs. And he didn't shout to get my attention, he shouted when he was about 6 foot away from me so to me the making me jump was deliberate although I assume he forgot about my back.

I think it was a shitty thing for him to do and more shitty not to apologise properly. Aibu?

OP, you have told us you have a multitiude of physical (sinus issues, headaches, anxiety, lethargy, water infections and a bad back) and sensory issues (motion, taste, material, heat, noise, light, smell). That must be very hard work at times for your DH especially as you both have a child to care for. I think you are being over dramatic and perhaps you should cut your DH some slack occasionally.

Oh, I don't know, one that accidentally caused your spouse pain, perhaps?

I don't get some of these responses. Isn't it an automatic response to apologise to someone if you accidentally hurt them?

Yes I often think about how hard my suffering is for him.

Maybe the replies are like this because everyone else actually read and understood the OP. The child was out of the bath, the OP was going through to say goodnight / read a story.

Thing is you keep mentioning your ASD and the fact that your son’s autism means that he’s very black and white yet despite you saying twice you were coming… you didn’t. I have ASD and if I say I’m doing something or going to do something then I genuinely mean it

Can't work out of this is sarcasm, martyrdom or actually recognition of carer stress?

Agree. I was leaning towards sarcasm.

Sorry I did shout coming I must have missed it off. I didn't ignore him.

So why is it okay for you to shout but not him?

Okay, awful confession time. My DH has a disability which, as a result, puts a lot on me. He can't do x, y and z which means we can't do this, that and the other and means I have to do A, B and C with DS.

I love my husband so much and I obviously don't want to cause him pain or frustration, but my god, sometimes I just want someone to take over some of the things. I hate being the only parent who can do A, B and C, I hate the fact we just can't do this, that and the other.

If there is something he and DS can do, the last thing I want is to have to chase him to do it. It sounds like in your situation, your DH had to call you at least twice to do "your" bit. If you didn't, I imagine his evening would have been so much harder trying to deal with your routine orientated DS. I get why he shouted. I've shouted too. I will shout in the future. Sometimes the other person needs to know how much you also need a break.

But you shouted "Coming!", so you both shouted?
Sorry to hear about your back.
I do think YABU, though.

Op, I'm actually cringing for you, do you have any idea how toe-curlingly awful you sound?
I think IF your dh shouted at you, you got off lightly, I'd be packing my bags if I were him!

Do you mean because of the posters who are Autistic or have Autistic DC saying that 'in a minute" is seen to mean one minute exactly? One of my Autistic DC interprets it in this way, the other two don't, it's not universal. It sounds like OP falls into the group that dont interpret it literally.

If I shouted and that startled someone and for example they bumped their head Id say. "sorry I didn't mean to startle you." Id do the same here. I wouldn't necessarily categories it as a mistake, but if my actions resulted in accidental harm then in my book saying sorry for that is the right thing to do.

Better communication would help here. Next time you need a moment give DH a heads up, "I'll do stories as usual but can you just call me when DS is done organising his things so I can lie down for a few minutes my backs painful?". Communicate and be considerate of each other. If your DH had known how you were feeling then he might have had more patience with you. You might want to consider too that maybe he was tired or maybe he'd had a tough day, maybe he needed some more consideration too, like actually getting up when you say you're coming.

As you said DS was still organising his things wben DH called you, would DS be able to come and get when he's eady for stories or does he need more supervision or support than that? We have 3 kids so a bit different but stbxh used to check out of bedtime a lot so Id be trying to get things done while also dealing with 2 or all 3 of our DC, which is really shitty behaviour from the other parent. He'd rarely answer when I called out, so I never knew if he'd heard me and then it was either risk pissing him off by calling out again or riak him having a go at my later because he hasn't heard me.

Your poor DH, you sound like such hard work.

I would be finding a way to leave

Exactly

Maybe he needs to shout sometimes , poor guy

And YOU shouted too

Also, don't keep reading your book when you say you're going to go and help

I am confused. So it was a minute or two. But you also told him you were coming twice. And still didn’t move?

Yabu. Dont understand why you read another page. You were Abit rude. I might be jealous that you have time to read a book during the day when you have a young child...

This. Your poor child was in the middle of it all, and I agree your child sounds conditioned to your world :(

For what it's worth yanbu. My husband has a habit of shouting to get my attention when I'm hoovering (fucking annoying) and several times has made me jump.out of my skin. It's shit. Maybe you took long reading but still, no need for the shout. Ignore the naysayers

Yes, ignore the 95% of posters (maybe more) who say OP is being unreasonable. Everyone is just being mean! She must only listen to you right?! 🙄

You sound a bit precious. Expecting the household to tip-toe around your old injury from 15 years ago. Especially when DH just called your name out. The fact he'd had to call your name, was because you were completely disengaged.

Are you seeking help for your back pain?

Op

On the wider issue. I think it would be no harm to acknowledge that while it's totally crap to be chronically ill. It can also be hard being married to someone chronically ill. it doesn't have to be an either or situation.

This. Very much this. While you continue to bend over backwards for them because you love them, it's exhausting.

Same here. Mine does this, but then gets ratty when I ask him again louder. He says I heard you the first time.. but how the fuck do I know that when he doesn't answer? The number of times I've had to explain to him how conversations work is shocking.

Maybe you both need to grow up. It's a small incident. Heaven help you if anything major happens.