Who's at fault here?

[paininthebac]

I have asd , I'm hyper sensitive to noise , lights, movement etc. Dh knows this. I also have a long term back problem due to an accident I had 15 years ago, my back can go into spasm if I get jolted or twist suddenly. This happens often unfortunately.

Last night dh was getting our son ready for bed and I was doing jobs. I finished and ds was still in bath so I decided to lay on my bed for five minutes with my book. I was laid on my front not facing the door. Dh shouts ready from ds room. I read another page, dh came in to wash his hands and I said 'I'm coming' I finished my page and dh shouted my name loudly from the doorway. I jumped as it frightened me and because I was on my front my back seized.

Ds who's 8 came in and cuddled me and helped me get up. He asked dh if he had said sorry dh said he had (neither ds or I heard it so I don't think he did) I was reading ds a story and trying not to cry as I was in so much pain.

We got through bedtime and went downstairs, dh said are you ok ? and I said not really. He gave me a hug, I started to say I know he didn't mean for me to hurt myself but it's not nice to shout at people. He immediately got angry and said it wasn't his fault as I should have come as soon as he called and he wouldn't have had to shout. He then proceeded to not speak to me for the evening.

The thing is I understand it's annoying I didn't come straight away, but it was literally a minute or two and he was still doing jobs. And he didn't shout to get my attention, he shouted when he was about 6 foot away from me so to me the making me jump was deliberate although I assume he forgot about my back.

I think it was a shitty thing for him to do and more shitty not to apologise properly. Aibu?

My back seized. Has that ever happened to you?

My son so has asd and is super focused on right and wrong. He knows to say sorry when he's in the wrong but equally expects the same of others. I don't slate my dh to my children and he wouldn't understand if I did .

I said coming twice

So surely you can appreciate why he got a bit frustrated and called your name?

So did he ask whether you had said sorry to DH because you were in the wrong too? Especially as he expects people in the wrong to say sorry.

If ds had heard him say sorry he wouldn't have asked him if he had apologised. There was no discussion. Ds is very black and white.

Yeah physio and I do Pilates, yoga and go to the gym. I've had scans, X-rays etc and been told there's nothing they can do. It's got significantly worse in past couple of years

Op literally says she was frightened in her post but ok 🤣

He meant ready for story. Ds was in pjs by that point. There was no rush

Your husband was not in the wrong. Your child wasn't even there. For your child to believe he needs to say sorry for something can only be because you made a fuss causing your child to think DH was in the wrong.

True . I wasn't feeling well (I also have a UTI currently) normally I wouldn't lay down five minutes before bed

I agree he couldn't have known it would hurt my back and I don't think he intended it to at all. But he quietly walked until about 6 foot away (in the door entrance) and loudly shouted. Knowing I'm sensitive to noise. He knew it would frighten me.

Why couldn’t your DH do bedtime, OP?

So you said coming twice. But between the two times, you carried on reading your book?

Your DH thought you'd be coming to your son after the first time you said 'coming'. But you didn't?

If you think your dh shouted at you to frighten you then you have big issues in your marriage. In that situation my dh would do the exact same. He'd be annoyed that he'd called me and I said I was coming twice (a lie clearly) and not shifting, he'd 100% shout out of exasperation. But I'd never think it was to frighten me. Second issue is he says he said sorry and you think he's lying.

It doesn't matter how stranger on the internet behave with one another, the key point here is you think your husband is trying to frighten and is lying. That's something to consider more.

Also to consider is your black and white son immediately thought dh was in the wrong for shouting but you're not in the wrong for lying. My 7 year old is a big one for being black and white about me saying "just give me a second" because I'm clearly longer than a second.

@paininthebac please bear in mind that most of these replies don't come from a place of understanding anything about being autistic.

Thank you I am also trying to strengthen my core. It got worse a couple of years ago and is definitely improving.

Better this morning but still aching. I've stretched it last night and again this morning. I did not sleep well tho.

This especially querying if 'dad has said sorry yet' which sounds like dad is frequently having to apologise to op.
You jumped said your back hurts now and he's to apologise?

Fair point

I always have to be shouted at when I'm reading. I always block everyone out. Sounds like you do similar. But yes, you were in the wrong.

He has asd and developmental delays. We have a routine that dh does the getting ready for bed then I read the story. They weren't ready btw. Ds needed to arrange his bed (don't ask!)

Do you're confirming he purposely wants to intimidate and frightening you?

Do you need help to leave him?

As a fellow back pain sufferer I can appreciate how fragile you must feel and how the pain can overwhelm you and cloud your emotional reactions. From your point of view he did something unthoughtful which triggered an acute bout of pain. From his point of view he was frustrated that you said you were coming but stayed lying down reading.

Neither of you are right or wrong, it's not a black or white situation. You were both frazzled, you by pain, him by frustration, maybe tiredness, we don't know.

As a side note, I was told by my consultant and physiotherapist not to lie on my front. It's the worst position for the spine as it doesn't provide any support. I hope that your pain has eased overnight and that you can enjoy the weekend.

You're being too precious, OP. Prioritize your family at that moment instead of reading a book. Time for yourself later.
Maybe your DH is fed up of doing the lions share whilst you lie down reading.
Maybe...?