Who's at fault here?

[paininthebac]

I have asd , I'm hyper sensitive to noise , lights, movement etc. Dh knows this. I also have a long term back problem due to an accident I had 15 years ago, my back can go into spasm if I get jolted or twist suddenly. This happens often unfortunately.

Last night dh was getting our son ready for bed and I was doing jobs. I finished and ds was still in bath so I decided to lay on my bed for five minutes with my book. I was laid on my front not facing the door. Dh shouts ready from ds room. I read another page, dh came in to wash his hands and I said 'I'm coming' I finished my page and dh shouted my name loudly from the doorway. I jumped as it frightened me and because I was on my front my back seized.

Ds who's 8 came in and cuddled me and helped me get up. He asked dh if he had said sorry dh said he had (neither ds or I heard it so I don't think he did) I was reading ds a story and trying not to cry as I was in so much pain.

We got through bedtime and went downstairs, dh said are you ok ? and I said not really. He gave me a hug, I started to say I know he didn't mean for me to hurt myself but it's not nice to shout at people. He immediately got angry and said it wasn't his fault as I should have come as soon as he called and he wouldn't have had to shout. He then proceeded to not speak to me for the evening.

The thing is I understand it's annoying I didn't come straight away, but it was literally a minute or two and he was still doing jobs. And he didn't shout to get my attention, he shouted when he was about 6 foot away from me so to me the making me jump was deliberate although I assume he forgot about my back.

I think it was a shitty thing for him to do and more shitty not to apologise properly. Aibu?

Fuck sake if I were him I'd leave. You're hard work, manipulative to use your son against him and a liar to lay down instead of getting up when you said you were coming - twice.

And not everything can be blamed on your ASD fgs. Sometimes people are just selfish and wrong.

So your son who needs this precision and was waiting for you?

Poor bloke. It’s not like he did it deliberately. Everyone jumps at unexpected loud noises. All that’s happened here is he’s made you jump and you threw out your back. It’s not his fault. It’s just one of those things. You need to grow up a bit. The man is probably a nervous wreck having to watch everything he does

'Tiptoe'?

If someone in your family has an extremely debilitating condition, aren't you considerate of that?

To be fair, if I was immersed in a book, I'd have done the same😊

She's listening, understanding and acknowledging.

What more do you want?

No. He was arranging his bed. Which I assume is a ritual he has to follow

I don't jump when my husband calls me, I move in my own time and so does he, unless there's some urgent reason (accident, time dependence) to it. Having an 8 year old get out of the bath is not shout worthy and neither is not speaking to you all night very nice at all. No idea why everyone is criticising you, probably as you had the temerity to read a book when he was doing bath, which is perfectly ok to me.

He then proceeded to not speak to me for the evening.

I missed this. Yeah, that's really not acceptable.

Sounds like you have a communication problem here OP.

Exactly this.

Totally agree
I also don't respond to people shouting at me from another room
I'm not a dog
Get up and come and speak to me normally

You both need to pick up your manners.
DH should not routinely shout.
You should do what you say when called, cheerfully.

Start treating each other with affection and respect.

There must be more to this, my husband shouting my name wouldn't frighten me.

I think if DH shouted because it is a regular occurrence to wait for you, then I can understand his frustration.

But if this is irregular, then I think it was very unnecessary of him to stand 6ft away from you and shout.

It sucks to have a chronic condition but you can’t go about blaming other people for your condition injuring you. I have ASD and chronic pain too so I completely sympathise, it’s a shitty life to lead sometimes, but lashing out at those that love you is just going to mean you’re very alone and isolated instead of loved and supported. Also don’t involve your child in your arguments with their dad, that’s not fair on anyone.

I don't think she's blaming him as such, she just wanted him to acknowledge that his actions accidentally caused her pain. I don't think that's too much to ask.

If I accidentally hurt someone through my actions then I would apologise, even if I didn't do it on purpose.

If I needed a hand and called out to dh, he said he was coming and then didn't and I went to find him lounging around on the bed reading, then I would be bloody annoyed and called out to him loudly too!
He didn't do anything wrong. In that moment did you really expect him to think about your back, sensitivities and everything?
You owe him an apology. As for your ds, piping in their with his comments it's clear where he's got that idea from.

I find the bitchy gaslighting comments on here exasperating.

If the DS is waiting happily for his DM to come and read to him, in fact not ready for her, then there was absolutely no need for the DH to get annoyed. Under those circumstances, it reads to me that he’s only annoyed because she is resting whilst he is doing chores and resents her for doing this. Then sulks when is called out on it.

Under those circumstances @paininthebac I would be right pissed off about my name being shouted from the doorway. He perhaps wasn’t trying to frighten you, but he was definitely annoyed that you were reading a book.

If you do this often ie reading all the time when he’s doing all the chores in the house then maybe he’s got a point but needs to improve his communication skills. If you’re doing chores 50/50 and he’s the kind of person who wants everyone to be busy when he is busy, but doesn’t notice when you’re busy and he’s resting, I’d be pretty fed up.

What's hard to believe is that people live their lives making huge dramas of such tiny, trivial issues - it must be exhausting. So both the OP and her husband seem to be unreasonable.

@paininthebac, what do you want from this thread?

Do you want us all to tell you that your DH is in wrong? Do you want to hear that you should leave him for the sake of your DS?

The drip feeding certainly gives the impression that you have a overwhelming need to be 'right'.

Sadly, it really does sound like everyone tiptoes around you and it sounds like your DS is conditioned to your world which will make life more difficult for him as he gets older.

This 100%

YANBU

Shouting at people for not doing what you want them to do, the instant you want them to do it, is a dick move. All the more so when he knows you have a bad back.

A lot of ableism in the replies to this post - if you were in the OP’s shoes, you’d not think it ok either.

I'm obviously going against the grain, but I'm with OP. But I feel more empathy perhaps, as I'm also hyper sensitive to noise etc, and being made to jump feels like a physical pain to me, that is quite difficult to unwind from. So I can imagine how op felt. My son (with ASD) is exactly the same. I make an effort not to make him jump with my voice, and I always apologise if I do. If your DH knows about your hyper sensitivity, he should be more careful, and a quick apology if he makes a mistake would do wonders for a harmonious relationship. Perhaps if he'd apologised, you could also have apologised that you didn't come more quickly, and there would have been no issue. We always apologise to each other in our house if we upset or startle each other. We're not grovelling, just a quick 'oh, sorry' is fine!

What would have happened if you told them both you were feeling crap due to the UTI and wouldn’t be involved in bedtime?

In our house no one chills with a book till the kids are down and the jobs are all done so I can’t relate to that bit. But equally if someone’s ill the other one cracks on alone and the ill one would be allowed to opt out and rest.

It sounds unnecessarily fraught and not the best environment for your young son.

She wasn't shouted AT was she? Just her name was shouted. Again hugely dramatic, and not agreeing with the op doesn't make posters ableist.