Who's at fault here?

[paininthebac]

I have asd , I'm hyper sensitive to noise , lights, movement etc. Dh knows this. I also have a long term back problem due to an accident I had 15 years ago, my back can go into spasm if I get jolted or twist suddenly. This happens often unfortunately.

Last night dh was getting our son ready for bed and I was doing jobs. I finished and ds was still in bath so I decided to lay on my bed for five minutes with my book. I was laid on my front not facing the door. Dh shouts ready from ds room. I read another page, dh came in to wash his hands and I said 'I'm coming' I finished my page and dh shouted my name loudly from the doorway. I jumped as it frightened me and because I was on my front my back seized.

Ds who's 8 came in and cuddled me and helped me get up. He asked dh if he had said sorry dh said he had (neither ds or I heard it so I don't think he did) I was reading ds a story and trying not to cry as I was in so much pain.

We got through bedtime and went downstairs, dh said are you ok ? and I said not really. He gave me a hug, I started to say I know he didn't mean for me to hurt myself but it's not nice to shout at people. He immediately got angry and said it wasn't his fault as I should have come as soon as he called and he wouldn't have had to shout. He then proceeded to not speak to me for the evening.

The thing is I understand it's annoying I didn't come straight away, but it was literally a minute or two and he was still doing jobs. And he didn't shout to get my attention, he shouted when he was about 6 foot away from me so to me the making me jump was deliberate although I assume he forgot about my back.

I think it was a shitty thing for him to do and more shitty not to apologise properly. Aibu?

YABU. You went on reading your book and then did the martyr thing

YABU

YABU just for lying on your front with a bad back! Makes me feel jealous because if I did that I’d not be able to get back up. It’s been over two decades since I last slept that way. I miss it. A lot.

I'm definitely going against the grain here, but I don't think it is ok for one adult to shout at another, no matter how annoyed they are. He isn't your father. He doesn't get to command you.

You are being unreasonable here op. You sound like you are feeling very sorry for yourself and want someone to blame for your feelings. It's not your husbands fault that you have a bad back.

I'm not sure if you're being unreasonable. Was his shouting harsh, aggressive or rudely done ?

He may have not heard you when you said you were coming. If he wasn't being harsh, aggressive or rude, it's normal to shout up at people when you're upstairs or in another room.

So a man was caring for his child briefly while his wife was reading a book. He decided it was time for her to take over and, because she didnt come quickly enough (she acknowledged when he called) he entered the room she was in and shouted at her.

Whether or not that hurt her back, it wasn't a reasonable thing to do. If he was frustrated that she took longer to arrive than he thought she should, he should have carried on caring for his child and dicussed it with her calmly later on.

He happened to hurt her back, possibly unintentionally, left her in tears of pain to take care of the child and, when she let him know that she had hurt him and explain it wasn't nice to shout at people, he "immediately got angry and said it wasn't his fault as I should have come as soon as he called and he wouldn't have had to shout. He then proceeded to not speak to me for the evening."

He yelled at her for taking a minute to herself, then victim-blamed and gave her the cold shoulder.

How the fuck that can possibly be the OP's fault I cannot fathom. He sounds like an abusive twat to me.

is it the case that every time you get startled you get a spasm? Because if it is then he certainly should not have shouted at you.

You're being a non-team player. Why are you reading a book before the kids are in bed? Surely aged 8, he's in bed, with a story having been read to him by 7pm? You put the kids to bed as a team, then have a couple of hours to yourselves, before going to sleep?

Or alternatively:

A man was doing the majority of the bedtime routine whilst his wife relaxed on the bed reading. When it came time for a story to be read he called his wife because their son has autism, likes a routine and prefers the mum to read the story. He shouted her once, she shouted back twice and then after the second time of her continuing to read knowing her child with autism was waiting for his bedtime story he came to the door and shouted again.

He couldn't continue with the bedtime routine without upsetting the child because that's the bit where he is expecting his mother to come.

He happened to hurt her back, perhaps unintentionally, making her cry. Her child ran in and instead of asking her child to give her a minute or asking her husband if he can take the child back to bed, she decided to carry on with the routine. She is an adult with a voice and could have made a different choice here.

When she explained he hurt her back he apologised, but when she hypocritically (given she had done an equal amount of the shouting) complained about him shouting he pointed out that if she had come when she had said she was coming he wouldn't have had to call again, given she knew her child's routine preferences.

He called her more than once because she was continuing to read when everyone in the house was waiting on her, then she had a go at him for speaking at a similar volume to him and he cold shouldered her for the rest of the evening.

How one person shouting can be entirely to blame and the other person shouting is entirely the victim I cannot fathom. But if the silent treatment is a persistent issue then all else aside that is an abusive tactic. But then so is DARVO and there is more than a hint of that to the OPs side.

Moreover there is an awful lot of "I have asd and so DH should behave in a way that doesnt impact that" from the OP and very little recognition of "my son has asd, likes prescion and routine and doesn't handle me not being there to do a specific part of that routine very well". Lots of bend over backwards for my issues whilst I carry on reading ignoring my impact on my sons issues.

Reminds me of my mother. A Precious Martyr. It was migraines with her. Everything used to set them off and the triggers changed constantly (depending on her moods). Sometimes it was my father pottering in the garden and mowing the lawn ('yes yes, I know you wish me to die, why you'd be creating such racket otherwise!'). Sometimes my brother and me - two children - chattering, sometimes she'd smell an orange one of us would eat ('I CANNOT stand it! Oranges are a known trigger! You don't care about me at all!), etc. Funny thing is, when she'd be in ok mood, she could sit listening to the lawnmower whilst munching on an orange herself. Manipulative cowbag. All our childhood we tiptoed around our 'poor sick mummy' (she's perfectly fine, healthy and alive to this day). I have migraines myself inherited from her, but don't expect the whole world revolve around it.

Another funny thing is, she'd expect absolute perfect behavior from others, choosing to see malice in any benign mistake. But do whatever the hell she pleased herself. Just like OP. So she can keep on reading a book although she agreed to help - just because, oops, she forgot, the book was SO interesting. She can SHOUT herself twice ('coming') - because why not, what's a bit of shouting. BUT as soon as her husband gets a bit irritated and calls out her name - he's careless, set out to scare her, injured her, no manners, yadda yadda.

@Shadowonasun what about the involving the child? 'Bad, cruel daddy! You haven't said sorry to mummy yet! You are awful, poor poor mummy' .....

👍👍👍👍

Feel like I'm in the minority saying YANBU. It sounds like he got a bit shirty and impatient in order to shout, and that seems over the top to me. Particularly when he knows you are sensitive to noise and have a bad back. And it's not like you were never going to turn up to help with bedtime.

I guess the dynamic of your relationship and household has a part to play in your barometer of what's over the top, but neither me or my partner would behave like that in this scenario. Asking "Are you coming or what?!" in a lighthearted way, perhaps, but not shouting from six feet away. I don't see what was so urgent. It's bedtime, not army roll call. You said you were coming, and if it were me I'd just assume you were finishing up with something before coming to help, and I wouldn't particularly care what to be honest as long as our child went to bed happy and calm in the end. PLus, what was so urgent that you had to go that second that your partner couldn't start doing himself? Like other people have said, we're so quick to blame a women when me aren't capable of taking responsibility for basic tasks.

There are plenty of times where me or my partner gets caught up doing something else before going to help the other with a parenting thing - washing the last few dishes, feeding one of the cats who just came inside, finishing sending a message. A minute or two extra before we come to help doesn't elicit one of us shouting from a doorway in a way that would make the other jump.

Have you read the thread @Ccjop? It's the ritual of the dc that dad helps with bath, mum does story once he's prepared his bed area which is important to him as stated by op. But of course why the need to read what the op herself has said when you can do the ' a man did something WRONG!! Bad bad him''