Who's at fault here?

[paininthebac]

I have asd , I'm hyper sensitive to noise , lights, movement etc. Dh knows this. I also have a long term back problem due to an accident I had 15 years ago, my back can go into spasm if I get jolted or twist suddenly. This happens often unfortunately.

Last night dh was getting our son ready for bed and I was doing jobs. I finished and ds was still in bath so I decided to lay on my bed for five minutes with my book. I was laid on my front not facing the door. Dh shouts ready from ds room. I read another page, dh came in to wash his hands and I said 'I'm coming' I finished my page and dh shouted my name loudly from the doorway. I jumped as it frightened me and because I was on my front my back seized.

Ds who's 8 came in and cuddled me and helped me get up. He asked dh if he had said sorry dh said he had (neither ds or I heard it so I don't think he did) I was reading ds a story and trying not to cry as I was in so much pain.

We got through bedtime and went downstairs, dh said are you ok ? and I said not really. He gave me a hug, I started to say I know he didn't mean for me to hurt myself but it's not nice to shout at people. He immediately got angry and said it wasn't his fault as I should have come as soon as he called and he wouldn't have had to shout. He then proceeded to not speak to me for the evening.

The thing is I understand it's annoying I didn't come straight away, but it was literally a minute or two and he was still doing jobs. And he didn't shout to get my attention, he shouted when he was about 6 foot away from me so to me the making me jump was deliberate although I assume he forgot about my back.

I think it was a shitty thing for him to do and more shitty not to apologise properly. Aibu?

Seething? How does that make any sense?

Your husband shouted for you because he thought you were engrossed in your as you didn't acknowledged him previously. You were rude and are now acting like the victim. Sit back and think of your part in this.

What would have happened if you told them both you were feeling crap due to the UTI and wouldn’t be involved in bedtime?

That might have been the best?

I'd be pissed off if I was called for something before needed tbh.

Perhaps better for your son to let you know when he's in bed & ready for his story?

I admit I do struggle to put down a book.

Me too-my husband would have left me to it & read the story himself & I would probably have done the same.

Unless that would upset the child.

Certainly he wouldn't dare call me before necessary if he knew I was reading!

There was stuff to do, you should have put your book down and got up straight away or just waited to everything was finished to sit down and read. Saying you'll come in a minute and then seeing you laying on bed reading would make me think you have no intention or piss me off waiting. Also laying as you were reading is asking for trouble with a bad back

This ^ especially the bit about your child being conditioned, no wonder your DH is frustrated!

I think you jolted/jumped because you felt guilty for continuing to read your book and you're trying to blame your husband for shouting

All on you , imo

@Zyq no it's not it's a risky position but really comfortable

It's a Harlan Coben I Will Find You. Very gripping

Thank you yes you are right

@Spirallingdownwards sorry I use the phone app. No polls, at this point assuming I'm allowed to vote I'm going with 97% unreasonable

I can see both sides

Dh is not great either apologising so I agree that does get my back up (no pun intended)

I think YABU - you should have got up

I would if I was really ill and dh would have no issue but ds struggles with it so I tend to save it for when necessary

Yes that's a good point. More to get my attention from the book.

Definitely because of the loud noise.

Also this is very off topic, but do you have many other symptoms? My MIL had very similar symptoms to this, in all honesty I thought it was anxiety... But it actually ended up being a benign brain tumour, which she's having removed. I mention it because the doctor also told her in some cases it can cause back issues. It just seems very similar to your symptoms, but obviously could be a complete coincidence. Thought I would mention in case it's worth getting checked

I find it really annoying when I’m trying to sort the kids out with baths and bed etc. and my DH is sitting with his feet up looking at his phone, even when I’ve called and asked for help with something. He either ignores me or says I’m coming but still sitting there so I have to go and shout at him to get a bloody wriggle on! Maybe your DH felt the same with you still laying on the bed reading when he’d called you?

@MsCactus

A lot of sensory stuff- motion, taste, material, heat, noise, light, smell. Everything is quite strong but tbh it's always been like that. Rubbish social skills, weird thought processes, reactions. No filter, no picking up on cues.

The back pain started about 15 years ago after a car accident. But has got gradually worse over the years.

I also have a lot of sinus issues, headaches, anxiety, lethargy. Water infections.

I've had countless tests I'm often low iron and Vit d so take supplements daily.

Very scary for your mil.

If your DH knows about your hyper sensitivity, he should be more careful, and a quick apology if he makes a mistake would do wonders for a harmonious relationship

And who gets to decide what a 'mistake' would be that he must apologise for?

I take everyone's points on board. I agree I probably overreacted in terms of irritation at dh. But I also feel he could acknowledge how things are for me sometimes. I can also see why he was irritated with me.

I don't like or agree with shouting at people. There is no need.

The back pain sucks. The sensory stuff I've had my whole life I don't know any different.

Ds was fine he saw it happen cuddled me, asked dh if he apologised and went to sort his bed. He doesn't really carry other people's stuff if that makes sense. We wouldn't discuss it with him after the fact as he wouldn't be interested and he doesn't need to be involved in our stuff. He only got involved because he heard dh shout and it startled him.

This seems a lot of fuss over not very much. You were in the wrong for saying you were coming twice and yet you still carried on reading. The book was still going to be there ten minutes later!
Also, if you were that engrossed that you literally couldn't put it down until the end of the chapter, maybe DH had asked you again and you didn't hear, so he raised his voice so that you did hear?
He's ridiculous for giving you the silent treatment for the rest of the evening but maybe lesson learned that you don't start a chapter at your child's bedtime?! 😁

Oh and sorry about your back. I have a bad back too. I couldn't tolerate laying on my front to read but we're all different!

Whilst there's nothing wrong with a verbal prod, and the OP admits that she should have put her book down, there was no need to shout at all. An "oi, we're waiting for you" would have been adequate. Also double spicy here, and shouting is scary and painful, aggressive or not.