to close Baby & Toddler group due to one 'mum' with a fake bump?

[HeyJugee]

I ran into a friend who runs a baby & toddler group this week and am still thinking about her dilemma. Had no good advice at the time but now I can't sleep I can't stop thinking about it so am parking here.

After Christmas a new person started coming along to the B&T group with their DGD - this person dresses as a woman (no wig but bald on top and grown out long hair and bright lipstick) and has given a woman's name.

Other mums stopped coming along so numbers were down quite a lot almost immediately - since then a few new mums have come but no one new has come back the next week. My friend was thinking ok well the DGD will age out of the group soon naturally but last week it was her, her niece (helping out during half term) another helper friend/mum and this grandparent and his/her DGD.

The grandparent was wearing a fake pregnancy bump and doing a lot of stroking of his/her stomach, telling DGD to be careful of nanny's tummy.

My friend has said this was what she can't continue to run the group for the benefit of one person, can't tell them not to come even if it means no one else will so will just have to stop the group because she is not willing to go along with whatever is going to happen with the fake bump. SHe is worried for the DGD in being involved in this even one day a week (when this person cares for her). She wonders if the parents of the DGD know what goes on and are fine with it

Is she being reasonable or unreasonable in letting the group fold?

And if you think she is being unreasonable what can she do to make other mums comfortable in attending again?

And if you think she is reasonable to stop doing the group, do you think she should be alerting SS with what info she has to DGD or is she just being discriminatory and this is not safeguarding?

(ps. I don't think I would have gone back to the group - as a new mum I would have felt very sharply that I was being mocked by this person but then I had PND; I think what she told me has really disturbed me because if I had not been able to engage with this group my life could have been very different)

For safeguarding purposes, statistically you're better off excluding male parents than female grandparents. This person is both a man and a 'grandmother'. If you're going to ban a whole group in order to keep him out, grandmothers would seem an odd choice.

This person is both a man and a 'grandmother'.

There is always less confusion when we use the right words. So to be clear, this man is not a grandmother.

Of course, you are correct. That's why I used the quotation marks, as this is the identity he has appropriated. PP was suggesting a ban based on this identity rather than the more obvious (to me) course of action of making it a women only space and excluding him because he's a man.

So sorry 5128gap I was assuming you were juggling your cognitive dissonance with 'his truth', and trying to create a reality in your head where he could be both! Of course that is impossible.

The way this ideology has mangled language and therefore understanding is criminal. And not a bug.

Goodness no. I was just a little frustrated to say the least at the idea a resolution to this would be to ban real grandmothers so this man could be barred in accordance with his fantasy persona, rather than as a man. As one of the many grandmothers involved in raising GC I admit to having skin in the game, but the thought of women and their GC losing out on the group in order to ban a man without calling him a man...well just how much more are women expected to lose?

the thought of women and their GC losing out on the group in order to ban a man without calling him a man...well just how much more are women expected to lose?

Exactly, 5128gap, exactly.

I am just..speechless. Honestly
No words.
Absolutely report to SS. This person clearly has mental health issues and it will be so confusing to their poor grandchild

The 'grandchild' (is the child really their grandchild? They're lying about everything else) is either being left alone with someone very mentally ill and unable to put the child's needs first or with someone who has a sexual fetish and is involving the child in that fetish.

Does your friend know anything else about this child and their parents? So very worrying.

Report to social services and / or the police.

And whilst I do understand some PPs who are shocked the discussion centred around keeping this man out and other parents leaving the group at first, there is a very strong instinct in most parents to safeguard your child first. So yes, I am sure all those who have left are now concerned about the safety of this child but they've intitially acted to put the safety of their children first. It's a 'help others with their air mask only once yours is in place' situation.