Aibu to say this is theft?

[purplehatandscarf]

I have two DDs, 19 and 13. Dd19 lives away at university and dd13 lives at home with me and dh.

When DD19 went back to halls after Christmas, she called me very upset saying a lot of her new clothes somehow haven’t made it home with her, but she is sure she packed them. She drove back alone so no chance of someone else stealing her things en route.

She was very upset. She works alongside her studies and had bought herself nice clothes to wear and had been given a couple of dresses for Christmas from her nanna who lives in Spain.

This week, DD13 has appeared on TikTok doing a fashion show wearing her sister’s clothes, the ones that had gone missing from her case. She had ripped a couple of the tops at the front to give them a tie knot and turn them into crop tops. She confessed to sneaking into her sister’s room, opening her case and grabbing a handful of clothes before zipping it shut again.

I say this is theft and more than just innocent stealing a top here and there from your sibling, but DH disagrees and says this is exactly what happens with siblings.

Aibu to say this is stealing and DD13 needs to be punished? If so what punishment would you reccomend?

Yes it needs punishing - I'd make her earn the money to replace them by doing chores.

That’s really mean of your younger daughter
she should replace the clothes and apologise to her sister

She does jobs around the house for pocket money and you pay her sister back with it?

I think it is outrageous and disrespectful. How else can you teach her to respect other people and their belongings if you pretend this isn't stealing?

Yes it's theft and she needs to earn the money to replace them. I used to borrow my sister's clothes but to take them and alter them with no intent to return them is stealing.

That’s really mean of your younger daughter
she should replace the clothes and apologise to her sister

I would definitely punish DD13, that's totally out of order, especially if she's ruined them.

Borrowing something out of the wardrobe is one thing, taking clothes out of a packed case is totally different - and then cutting them up! She needs a punishment/ consequence and should also replace any damaged items.

I abhor this relish of punishing kids.

she needs to be spoken to , explained why fhis is wrong, an open discussion on why she did that, how her sister feels. And also how she plans to make it up to her sister., to apoligise to her.

Well, you take her phone off her so she can’t make any more TikToks for a start. If she has savings make her send the money to cover the cost of the clothes along with an additional 20% for the distress she’s caused. If she doesn’t have savings then she has to work off the debt - extra chores, no pocket money, etc. and only when that’s done does she get her phone back. And change the Wi-Fi password in case she tries to get round it by using an iPad or something. Buy her a £10 dumb phone if you need to keep in touch with her. I’d go nuclear in this now or she’ll think stealing and being disrespectful is funny.

You are both right.
It's underhand and out of order and needs to be punished
And also relatively normal 13yr old behaviour....that needs to be corrected so it doesn't become 16yr old or 21yr old behaviour

Delete her tiktok for a start.

Then replace the clothes for your eldest, and your youngest can repay you in chores.

She’s 13. She absolutely knows what she’s done and how she’s made her sister feel, unless she’s a complete idiot. We have to stop infantilising our kids like this and accept that they are sometimes little shits who need a metaphorical boot up the hole.

She needs to pay to replace the clothes, every penny. So stop her pocket money completely until they are replaced.

And remove her phone for a month.

She sounds like a complete brat.

That's absolutely disgusting. That bad that I feel it can't even be true!

I'd come down hard on this not least to try and repair the damaged relationship between the 2 sisters. DD2 needs to feel the consequences of screwing over her sister in this underhand way.

Restitution. Agree with pp who said no more tiktok. Work off the debt to replace the clothes. I disagree that this is normal behaviour though. At 13 I would expect a bit more respect tbh. Not stealing is something that should be learned before the age of criminal responsibility which, in England, is 10.

This isn't exactly what happens with siblings, although it can happen it's not normal and shouldn't be tolerated.

DD13 needs to make it up to her sister, by apologising and replacing the clothes / giving her money to replace them.

I abhor this 'restorative justice' current fashion of "ooo let's think how it must feel for your victim.. now alls good, let's move on"

This happened to me. I worked abroad one summer between years at uni, and when I came back my 14 year old sister had taken half my nice stuff. She'd just shoved it down the back of her drawers screwed up in balls with no intention of giving it back. She'd worn one to a family event while I was away and I had no issue with that, it was the taking without mentioning and not returning that was the problem.
Like your daughter I was upset - I worked while at uni and bought myself some nice clothes. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Actions have consequences.
She is a thief.
Be a parent and nip this in the bud.

When she goes to Uni or house shares, she’ll be the one stealing others’ food out the communal fridge.

This week, DD13 has appeared on TikTok doing a fashion show
Are we just skimming past this?

You know the kind of people who watch that content OP? No way would I let my 13yr old be making TikToks, especially ones where the whole premise is to show how you look in clothes.

Yes it is stealing, it is also what siblings do.
It’s not a capital offence.

Did you ask her about the clothes? Did she deny taking them? That would be more serious for me.

I would explain that what she did was wrong and her sister was very upset. She needs to repay her sister, either with money from her savings (so her sister can buy new clothes in a timely manner), or by doing chores until the money is paid off.

These things happen with siblings.

I've got teenage daughters and I'd come down on this like a tonne of bricks. It's outright to take things from your sister's suitcase!

What did your husband get for Christmas or buy with his wages?

Sounds like jealousy. Her sister has nice stuff, she wants it, so she takes it and then she realises she can't even wear it without being found out! A good telling off is in order, she knows what she did.

Any clothes that are still intact go back to her sister, she pays for the rest, and eats humble pie.

What does the older sister think about her younger sister's behaviour?