Aibu to say this is theft?

[purplehatandscarf]

I have two DDs, 19 and 13. Dd19 lives away at university and dd13 lives at home with me and dh.

When DD19 went back to halls after Christmas, she called me very upset saying a lot of her new clothes somehow haven’t made it home with her, but she is sure she packed them. She drove back alone so no chance of someone else stealing her things en route.

She was very upset. She works alongside her studies and had bought herself nice clothes to wear and had been given a couple of dresses for Christmas from her nanna who lives in Spain.

This week, DD13 has appeared on TikTok doing a fashion show wearing her sister’s clothes, the ones that had gone missing from her case. She had ripped a couple of the tops at the front to give them a tie knot and turn them into crop tops. She confessed to sneaking into her sister’s room, opening her case and grabbing a handful of clothes before zipping it shut again.

I say this is theft and more than just innocent stealing a top here and there from your sibling, but DH disagrees and says this is exactly what happens with siblings.

Aibu to say this is stealing and DD13 needs to be punished? If so what punishment would you reccomend?

I'd find out how much the damaged clothes cost and make her repay it. I'd definitely be deleting her tictoc or grounding her. Yeah sisters do this stuff but there needs to be consequences

Wow just wow.

Clearly a younger sibling who thought this behaviour was fine 🙄

Its the fact she took them out of the suitcase knowing her sister was going back to uni, its not like she borrowed just one top from the wardrobe.

You’re not being u reasonable.

I’d suggest she needs to sell something important to her and lose any financial privileges (pocket money, birthday money, savings, money earnt for tasks or what have you) so that she can fully reimburse her sister for the things she’s damaged/ruined. Anything taken but not damaged is to be returned immediately. And a ban on TikTok and other social media until she can prove that she is responsible enough to have access to it.

Borrowing between siblings means 1- asking if it’s ok, 2- the lender agrees, 3- the borrower uses carefully and returns in the same condition. Dd13 may as well have binned her sisters stuff as it’s now destroyed by cutting and tying. I would be absolutely livid and dd13 would be doing chores to earn the money to replace. How would she like it if her sister chopped up her new things?

This is really bad of your 13yo DD. My younger DSIS used to help herself to clothes I had worked hard to buy and not look after them and my DM would just shrug like it didn't matter. I would never let my DC get away with stealing their siblings belongings, especially when they had paid for them themselves. I would say grounding and no pocket money / allowance for a few weeks at least.

I don’t think people are thinking corporal punishment or stocks, more having consequences that might hurt a bit (not literally of course).

I wouldn’t advocate selling something that’s important to her, that’s just vindictive.

No it’s not.

It is in my book, two wrongs don’t make a right. There are more productive ways to deal with this than tit for tat revenge.

I’d take her phone away and replace it with a brick until next January. And no new clothes until next year. All spare cash which would have been available to buy clothes will be spent on replacing DD19’s clothes.

stealing a top here and there from a sibling is not acceptable either!!

Any punishment needs to be related to the crime.

1. Delete TikTok. The motivation for the theft. Also, not really appropriate for 13 year olds - even if they all use it.

2. Return all undamaged clothes to her sister. Ruined tops must be replaced. Find out the cost of them and make teen either buy replacements with existing money or get a job/ do chores/ sell her own items in order to get enough money to pay back the cost of the clothes.

3. Reassure your older child that you are handling this.

I agree with those saying you need to come down hard on this so DD13 knows it’s not acceptable to take things that don’t belong to her. Yes it’s just a few clothes, but you need to take a firm hand otherwise this behaviour will escalate.

Delete her TikTok entirely, no more TikTok till she’s 16. Return the undamaged clothes and apologise. And she has to pay for the damaged clothes by working in some way, so she knows what it’s like to work for stuff like her sister does, and she might learn to appreciate expensive clothing more.

Innocent stealing? What is this then?

(Well my 3 year old DD "bought" a cake and a toothbrush in a shop by helping herself to the bottom shelf, that really was innocent and we went back to pay for it. A DD13 should know this aspect of right and wrong.)

Yes, the DD13 has taken items without permission, ie it's stealing. It's not quite the same as stealing from a shop or someone who isn't a sibling, with all the rivalry, jealousy etc that can ensue, but it's not far off, is worrying, and should be dealt with swiftly and sternly IMO.

I think the fact ur eldest isn't at home and is away at uni makes it more a case of theft. Especially if she's ripped them to make them as she desires. I'd be furious with her.

I used to borrow some of my sisters clothes and put them back. She used to borrow mine with permission. If I asked her she'd say no so I'd just take them instead when she wasn't around. I think this is what ur dh is referring to as normal. What ur youngest DD has done is not normal.

Use her pocket money to re purchase the tops for eldest dd as a minimum. Maybe a phone ban, they all love their phones! Whatever it is that she wld hate to lose that's the punishment.

Id come down hard on this. She stole clothes from her sister suitcase that she packed and then destroyed them.
Id be going for a months grounding. And no phone until clothes are all replaced or selling the phone.

No she doesn't need punishing. What you do is validate her feelings and tell her that it's ok if she's feeling sad.

TikTok, you say? Sell the smartphone, replace the clothes.

My sister (also 6 years younger) did things like this to me constantly when we were young, and never faced any consequences. We're in our 40s now and haven't spoken in years. She was a selfish, sneaky little bitch back then and as nobody pulled her up on it, she never developed into anything better.

She's 13 - do you monitor her TikTok?

I would take her tiktok away.

Completely agree. Outrageous she is allowed this type of access to social media at 13.

Absolutely her behaviour is unacceptable and she is old enough to know that. I would stop any allowance she receives until older daughter has been reimbursed in full and make her give a full apology. If she has savings then she can hand those over to the value she stole. To make her realise the value of stuff and how hard her sister worked to afford the stolen itemsI would also tell her that for the next six months she has to do chores and earn any money she needs to buy new clothes. She needs a solid lesson now. You must be so disappointed in her.