Aibu to say this is theft?

[purplehatandscarf]

I have two DDs, 19 and 13. Dd19 lives away at university and dd13 lives at home with me and dh.

When DD19 went back to halls after Christmas, she called me very upset saying a lot of her new clothes somehow haven’t made it home with her, but she is sure she packed them. She drove back alone so no chance of someone else stealing her things en route.

She was very upset. She works alongside her studies and had bought herself nice clothes to wear and had been given a couple of dresses for Christmas from her nanna who lives in Spain.

This week, DD13 has appeared on TikTok doing a fashion show wearing her sister’s clothes, the ones that had gone missing from her case. She had ripped a couple of the tops at the front to give them a tie knot and turn them into crop tops. She confessed to sneaking into her sister’s room, opening her case and grabbing a handful of clothes before zipping it shut again.

I say this is theft and more than just innocent stealing a top here and there from your sibling, but DH disagrees and says this is exactly what happens with siblings.

Aibu to say this is stealing and DD13 needs to be punished? If so what punishment would you reccomend?

Correct.

She hasn't "borrowed", she has taken her sister's property and damaged it such that it cannot even be returned to her sister.

A conversation is clearly not enough - this girl KNOWS she's done wrong and the only way to prevent her repeating such behaviour is for there to be consequences which she doesn't like. Her sister's things need to be replaced at HER expense to start with.

Why are you letting your 13-year old parade stolen outfits on TikTok??
Yes, it is stealing and yes she definitely needs to feel the consequences of that. But you also need to give your head a wobble with regards to boundaries and 13-year olds on social media.

13 is the age of criminal resonsibility so the police could get involved. However, making her replace the clothes and apologise would be more effective. A near brush has more power. (The police would probably just put the fear of god and incarceration up her.)

Explain to your dd that you are within your rights to call the police and she needs to tell you why you shouldn't AND, more importantly, what she is going to do to make things right. That way you've done restorative justice and your dd has learned her lesson.

Then tell her she needs to keep her word and you will forgive but not forget. That way, if there's a repeat you will come down harder.

Hopefully that will work. Her actions were inexcusable but kids are stupid.

i mean it wasn't a serious suggestion but why the emphatic no?
The little pest needs to learn. Some kids learn better when they have the same done to them

Sure there is a need to understand. There is also a requirement here to learn a lesson. And that will best be served if there are consequences.

So not living in school uniform - but definitely having to miss out on fun stuff in favour of earning the money to pay the sister back.

The daft DH needs to learn that lesson too. So i suggest he pays the older DD the cost of replacements, and works out how to get the money back off younger DD.

"That kind of "gentle parenting" is the reason so many kids become entitled little brats"

Not the time and the place , but that is NOT "gentle parenting".

Yes its theft. Your DH is a nob.

Undamaged clothes should be returned. You should reimburse your eldest for the clothes that have been damaged as you are responsible for your 13 yo. Consequences would include her paying you back over time by stopping pocket money or doing chores. I would also be taking the phone for a period of time. Is your 13 yo remorseful. I would be concerned that she thinks this was ok.

the reason "gentle parenting" was in scare quotes is because we know that isn't gentle parenting. But some parents have totally misunderstood the concept and the result is that, unfortunately, many children don't learn about the consequences of their actions. Or are indeed even chided for dick behaviour like the DD in this scenario.

don't be a dolt. It isn'T concerning at all.

I don'T need to be told anything. As it happens i asked my DDs and they think younger child needs a good talking too, many chores and to issue a grovelling apology. But they wouldn't have behaved like that in the first place.

your answers are - meh. Not really explaining why you think it's so bad. TBH if my brother had destroyed my clothes? For sure i would have taken a hammer to his warhammer figures, before even telling my parents.

I'd have been sorry afterwards but i don't think he'd have done it again.

it is teft not borrowing and se souldnt be on tiktok isnt it 16 now?

they both said the same thing: in the moment of discovery they'd have been right in the other's room wrecking something they valued. Followed by genuine remorse.

If there had been any indication that either of us (parents) would be defending the younger DD in this case, there would have been a lot of trouble.

Exactly or you get the whole 'nooo! Youngest is a VICTIM poor soul, she's obviously troubled and needs help and attention, buy her a pony'....

When I worked in Youth Justice, as part of the work with young offenders, we would always ask them what they thought would be an appropriate sentence for their crime/s.
They were always much more punitive than the actual justice system.

But I would ask the younger sister what she thinks should be done about it, because it is part of the process of realisation and engendering empathy, which begins in adolescence.

I agree. Remove her nicest clothes and keep them from her until she has paid for her sister's stuff. Tell her She's lucky you are not ripping her things up.

Tik Tok is a separate issue. She's too young and foolish to be on there.

This is why there are so many awful entitled disrespectful brats about.

Punishment doesn’t mean hitting, but the teen who stole and damaged her sister’s property needs appropriate punishment.

A 13 yr old on Tick tock in ripped crop tops
A paedophile’s dream.

She needs to know how dangerous this is.

What a brat. Make her pay for everything, apologise to her sister and remove her phone until Easter. She needs to know that she is in the wrong and her behaviour won't be tolerated.

I think "normal" sibling behaviour would be borrowing something from your older sister's wardrobe without asking every so often, then returning it or dumping it in the laundry basket.

Swiping a whole pile of clothes, ripping them and not giving them back even when the sister returns to uni, I would say is a step up from that.

Your DH us under-reacting.

Do you seriously need to ask us, OP?

Of course it's theft: she took some things that belong to another person without their permission and it doesn't seem she had any intention of returning them (as she ripped some - criminal damage?)

How you punish her is up to you but punish her you must.

Jesus. Your moronic H is actually advocating for not punishing the little brat?!