Aibu to say this is theft?

[purplehatandscarf]

I have two DDs, 19 and 13. Dd19 lives away at university and dd13 lives at home with me and dh.

When DD19 went back to halls after Christmas, she called me very upset saying a lot of her new clothes somehow haven’t made it home with her, but she is sure she packed them. She drove back alone so no chance of someone else stealing her things en route.

She was very upset. She works alongside her studies and had bought herself nice clothes to wear and had been given a couple of dresses for Christmas from her nanna who lives in Spain.

This week, DD13 has appeared on TikTok doing a fashion show wearing her sister’s clothes, the ones that had gone missing from her case. She had ripped a couple of the tops at the front to give them a tie knot and turn them into crop tops. She confessed to sneaking into her sister’s room, opening her case and grabbing a handful of clothes before zipping it shut again.

I say this is theft and more than just innocent stealing a top here and there from your sibling, but DH disagrees and says this is exactly what happens with siblings.

Aibu to say this is stealing and DD13 needs to be punished? If so what punishment would you reccomend?

She’s 13 not 3. Why are some people hell bent on pussy footing around? What would happen if she had stolen and damaged these things from a shop or someone else? She absolutely needs to be punished for this!

Theft and criminal damage I would say. Certainly needs punishing. And she really shouldn’t be on TikToxic.

My brother used to steal my CDs, DVDs etc (yes showing my age!) then he would either lose them, damage them or give them to friends.

My mum, like your DH, thought it was normal sibling behaviour. To be honest it really damaged my relationship with my mum that she did not stamp this behaviour out as I felt disrespected by both of them and like my feelings (or money!) didn’t matter.

Your younger DD does need to see some consequences in my opinion.

I'm sure 'borrowing' each others stuff is fairly normal, but it must be so upsetting for your older daughter that her clothes have been ruined.

I agree that she needs to replace anything she has damaged and I'd be looking at her social media habits with a very critical eye. She doesn't seem mature or responsible enough for TikTok.

I would speak to her and tell her that she is well out of order here
No one should do this .she can pay for it from jobs at home

It absolutely is theft. Your dh is being ridiculous. Brushing it off as "what siblings do" means he thinks she should get away with it and her older sister just has to endure having her possessions stolen. Is he scared of confronting a 13 year old child?

I would come down hard on this.
Sell her phone and use the money to repay her sister. Give her a very basic phone.
She can then start doing jobs to earn money to get a better phone.
Make her apologise to her sister.
She is a thief. If her father can't see that then perhaps some of his best shirts need to be taken and cut up!!!!

All the 'aww it's just sibling behaviour'... so can the 19 yo now go into her sister's room, take all her clothes, things she likes and destroy then in retaliation? You know sibling like?

Her behaviour needs consequences, she took her sister’s clothes from her suitcase, clothes that her sister had worked hard to pay for. Presumably, this girl also knew that her sister was missing clothes as I’m sure her parents heard her talking about it.

I would think a good consequence would be no pocket money or new clothes until her sister has either paid to have the damaged clothes professionally repaired or replaced. Actually, the no pocket money/new clothes ban should extend out until Easter.

This was nasty, selfish and disrespectful of the 13 year old. She has to be made to pay back the full cost of the clothes she took.

Yes to removing her phone. Get her a basic cheapie for emergencies. Close the TikTok account.

I would be very tempted to go through her room and take a few items that are new/favourite. See how she likes to have stuff taken.

She hates her older sister? They cannot stand each other? Constant arguing?

Surely it just cannot come out of nowhere

I totally agree with this! Forget the conversation about telling her what she did was wrong, she already knows that! She sounds like an evil little sod to me! At 13 she should have more respect for other peoples belongings! Set chores for her and keep the money back until there is enough to replace the clothes she's destroyed. And remove the mobile phone until this is done too!

This. Also a strong chat about how disappointed you are she has done this and how unfair on her sister. She needs to apologise and pay her sister back with interest.

So not only did your youngest daughter steal her sisters clothes, she also ruined them by ripping them up? What a nasty thing to do. Why did she ever think that was okay?

Sorry, but yes this is theft. She needs to be punished AND repay her sister/replace them. If this means you send DD19 the money and DD13 has to work off her debt, then so be it.

I’d be confiscating her phone/blocking tiktok for starters.

Tbh am not sure why this is a moral quandary worthy of a MN post.

I'm surprised that people think that just borrowing is reasonable. My sister regularly borrowed my things and it made it feel like I couldn't have anything nice of my own because she'd find it and use it. It also made it feel like I had no privacy because she'd go through my cupboards to find things.

If you're turning a blind eye to siblings borrowing (I.e taking without express permission, even if they have the intention to return it) I'd encourage you to do what you can to prevent it

Apologies - missed the end of your post @purplehatandscarf - tell DH to step up! Borrowing clothing and returning undamaged is one thing, stealing them and trashing them, causing older sister distress over items she has bought with money she has herself earned - theft. And to minimise the offence of DD13 not support DD19 over this make his a lousy dad, to both girls.

As the older sister who frequently had stuff go missing because my sister "borrowed it" nip this in the bud now.

I resorted to fitting a padlock to my door and but mum would leave her keys (which had a key to the room) laying around in plain sight of my sister. Every time I complained I was told it was normal sibling behaviour. The gonal straw was when she took a brand new top, denied all knowledge of it, but then was in the audience of big brothers big mouth (showing my age) wearing said top!! My mum couldn't deny her thieving any longer but she still did nothing about it.

My sister is now in her 30s and is still a compulsive liar.

It isn't normal for siblings to steal and destroy each other's property. I bet DH would think it wasn't normal if his sister stole and destroyed his car.

She knew it was wrong. No point pointing that out again. And if she gets away with being told it was wrong and to apologise, if she wants the clothes she'll do it again. She'll get what she wants.

That kind of "gentle parenting" is the reason so many kids become entitled little brats

This.

Because daddy dearest lets her get away with it…

and she’ll keep doing it until there is a consequence (aka punishment, but you say poTAYtoes and I say poTAHtoes…).

It absolutely is stealing and needs to be punished. You can't take things that don't belong to you and then damage /alter them. I'd make her work to replace every item. How else will she learn to respect other people's things? I'd also delete her ticktock and make sure your checking her phone / Internet usage or have appropriate parental controls.