Aibu to say this is theft?

[purplehatandscarf]

I have two DDs, 19 and 13. Dd19 lives away at university and dd13 lives at home with me and dh.

When DD19 went back to halls after Christmas, she called me very upset saying a lot of her new clothes somehow haven’t made it home with her, but she is sure she packed them. She drove back alone so no chance of someone else stealing her things en route.

She was very upset. She works alongside her studies and had bought herself nice clothes to wear and had been given a couple of dresses for Christmas from her nanna who lives in Spain.

This week, DD13 has appeared on TikTok doing a fashion show wearing her sister’s clothes, the ones that had gone missing from her case. She had ripped a couple of the tops at the front to give them a tie knot and turn them into crop tops. She confessed to sneaking into her sister’s room, opening her case and grabbing a handful of clothes before zipping it shut again.

I say this is theft and more than just innocent stealing a top here and there from your sibling, but DH disagrees and says this is exactly what happens with siblings.

Aibu to say this is stealing and DD13 needs to be punished? If so what punishment would you reccomend?

I have 2 older sisters, we never did this, it's not just something 13 yr olds do, absolutely not, it's just wrong. Make her pay it back somehow

Yes it’s theft and needs to be punished. I’m sure you’ll figure out a suitable punishment between you and your DH, but first things first she needs to take accountability and apologise to her sister. Especially since she’s ripped them meaning they can’t even be returned. Are you in a financial position to give oldest DD cash to replace them and have younger DD ‘earn’ the cash you’ve essentially lost.

That’s shocking and I would take her tech off her and make her do jobs to replace what she broke. Cat sitting, dog walking, chores…

In the 90s, my sister asked to borrow my clothes (that one time!)

Even if it is normal sibling behaviour, (which I dont think it is), it's not right or kind or respectful so she needs to repair the damage she has done. Replacement clothes, an apology and a punishment. Also get her off Tiktok

As a teen, my sister once threw away a lot of my clothes, including some brand new clothes and tops, when I was visiting relatives for a few weeks.

Sadly her vindictive behaviour got worse over the years not better. We are now in our 40s and NC.

Are you coming back @purplehatandscarf?

At the very least she needs to replace the stolen/damaged clothes.

DD13 is behaving spoilt, entitled and completely disrespectful, of course she needs to be punished. How will your DD19 feel to have her belongings stolen and trashed and everything carries on as normal?

I think you need to be respectful of your DD19 feelings in this.

13 year olds are selfish as their brains haven’t fully developed around this sort of thing yet.

However, that’s where it’s a parents job to step in and educate. That is putting in boundaries and consequences.

She works off the cost for her sister to replace those clothes. End of. She also needs a swift kick up the backside over understanding that unless it’s yours you ask for permission and only ‘borrow’ when that permission is granted by the person who spent their hard earned cash on purchasing said item in the first place!

She hasn't just borrowed the clothes she's ripped them. She needs to learn the value of things and do a paper round to pay for replacement items. You need to replace the items if possible and get the younger DD to pay you back. No treats until it's paid off either - that money can go towards it too. And what was she doing on TikTok anyway?!

I am no contact with my younger sister because she behaved exactly like this. What was mine was hers and what was hers was hers.

I ended up having to have a lock for my room because she stole anything that wasn’t nailed down but would scream a hissy fit if I ever touched a toe into her room.

It’s been 8 years since I last spoke to her and it’s been bliss

Am not sure OP is coming back or monitoring this thread now.

As 1 of 4 sisters, this is 10p% NOT something siblings do to each other, and she is absolutely old enough to know that what she is is so very wrong. I would make her give ALL money she gets, to her sister until the cost of replacing them is paid OFF, and shame on your husband for condoning such disgraceful behaviour. So it would be OK for her to just help herself to his stuff, your stuff, or even stuff from the shop!?

My husband suffered from this with his younger brother who would steal items (sweets when they were younger, expensive pieces of electrical equipment as they got older) and was not checked by the parents. The result is that the younger brother has grown up to be a self-entitled, grasping bully with whom we now have no contact whatsoever.

So, yes, your younger DD definitely needs to know that what she has done is wrong and there have to be consequences, whether it's removing her smartphone / diverting her allowance to her older sister to replace her missing clothing / being grounded for a month etc - or else she'll grow up to be that Mean Girl.

She is not pretending it isn’t stealing. In her post she actually says ‘ I say this is theft’

This

So many Mnetters love to bandy the ‘punish’ word with relish 🙄

To be honest op, I am surprised you are even having to ask this here. She stole and went behind your backs. If my dd pulled a stunt like this at 13, she'd have loss of ALL privileges for at least a fortnight and wouldn't leave the house except school and she'd get hell from me. I'm talking no phone, no internet, no treats, no tv...

She'd basically have hell to pay and I'd be giving her plenty of extra jobs. If she has any savings/pocket money that would also be used to pay for the clothes and if anybody like an aunt asked I'd tell her loudly in front of dd just to embarrass her.

I can be an outright bitch when I need to be but if my kids think it's acceptable to steal and do shit like this then it's my job to do something about it. And I don't agree with the softie softie restorative justice crap preached here, the people saying it wouldn't say the same if it was their property stolen.

I'd also be fuming with dh if he tried to say it wasn't serious.

She loses her pocket money or luxuries until the cost is replaced. If her phone costs 20 quid a months she loses her phone and the 20 goes to her sister ( you'd obviously be out of pocket still but it's not about you) She can work to earn more.

Obviously elder sister needs a lock on her door too. And a damn sincere apology.

It’s definitely not “What siblings do” I have 4 sisters and wouldn’t dream of taking anything from any of them without asking and nor would they. Your daughter needs to be told in no uncertain terms that this behaviour is unacceptable. She should be made to apologise and replace the items she has taken.

So you think people who rob houses shouldn't go to jail? Is a punishment to you 'revenge'?

Do you really? So any kid can do anything and there should never be any consequences or punishment?
I’ll remember your ridiculous comments next time an innocent teenager arrives in a critical condition in my department with multiple stab wounds.
I also remember when the perpetrators parents spout of their moronic mouths saying their murderous child is innocent.
Talk it out…what a joke.

I am one of 5 sisters and nothing like this has ever happened! Definitely crack down on this, it's blatant theft.

If a thirteen-year-old NT child needs to be told that stealing is wrong there is no hope for her

Her DH thinks this ISN'T stealing. I was agreeing with the OP and saying I don't agree with her DHs opinion. That if she goes down the route her DH wants to go down with no punishment or consequences then her DD will think what she did is okay.

Apologies. My mistake.

It absolutely needs punishing she gets no pocket money /does chores until repaid.

I bet your dh would feel differently if it was his stuff she damaged!!