Aibu to say this is theft?

[purplehatandscarf]

I have two DDs, 19 and 13. Dd19 lives away at university and dd13 lives at home with me and dh.

When DD19 went back to halls after Christmas, she called me very upset saying a lot of her new clothes somehow haven’t made it home with her, but she is sure she packed them. She drove back alone so no chance of someone else stealing her things en route.

She was very upset. She works alongside her studies and had bought herself nice clothes to wear and had been given a couple of dresses for Christmas from her nanna who lives in Spain.

This week, DD13 has appeared on TikTok doing a fashion show wearing her sister’s clothes, the ones that had gone missing from her case. She had ripped a couple of the tops at the front to give them a tie knot and turn them into crop tops. She confessed to sneaking into her sister’s room, opening her case and grabbing a handful of clothes before zipping it shut again.

I say this is theft and more than just innocent stealing a top here and there from your sibling, but DH disagrees and says this is exactly what happens with siblings.

Aibu to say this is stealing and DD13 needs to be punished? If so what punishment would you reccomend?

Yes!
And the several weeks delay ... She's either known her sister is upset or is oblivious to the fact she might be walking around with no clothes on as her clothes got taken from her packed case?

This week, DD13 has appeared on TikTok doing a fashion show wearing her sister’s clothes, the ones that had gone missing from her case.

How did you find out about this?
Has the older sister seen it?

This. I'd come down like a ton of bricks on this

Oh dear! Very naughty behaviour.

My sister and I are in our 30s and still nick clothes from each other. There is stuff I hide if she’s coming round. And vice versa. It’s kind of jokey tongue in cheek pinching as we are super close.

I agree with other posters though she needs to return the stuff and replace anything she’s damaged. I reckon having to work (even doing chores or whatever) to replace the items will make her feel punished, and also give her a sense of how hard her sister had to work for her stuff. A good learning opportunity

This happened to me when I went to Uni too, my parents did nothing and I felt so let down. It was ongoing for years, white tops stained, make up stolen, cds sold etc.
Then when she started on their things all hell broke loose.

I'd be interested to hear DDs reaction when she is confronted. If she is somehow genuinely sorry or does she think she hasn't done anything wrong?

Im baffled by people saying it's normal for siblings- not in my family it isn't. But I've had flatmates stealing and office colleagues taking things that weren't theirs - maybe they never had a parent who taught them some basic manners?

I'd start by removing her TikTok for sure.

It’s one thing to ‘borrow’ a sister’s top for a night out. I reckon most of us with sisters will have been both the perpetrator and the victim in that scenario. It’s quite a different matter to steal lots of new/good clothes so the other person will no longer be able to access them, and then to ruin them, and then to flaunt it on TikTok where her sister will likely see it (assuming they follow each other), is taking it too far. It’s beyond a bit cheeky, it’s unpleasant, destructive, and malicious and she should make reparations and an apology, and I’d be removing her phone and other privileges until it happened.

She needs to buy back all her sister’s clothes and extra for damages.

Take her phone and give her a dumb phone. Banned from TT until 16. Too young and immature to be on it anyway.

Borrowing is normal with siblings, this is not. I'd delete the tiktok account, take her electricals, stop her pocket money until the value is paid off AND make her work chores. Her sister worked hard and sacrificed to buy those clothes, she won't realise that and the value of money and sacrifice unless you come down hard on this imo.

She would be paying to replace the clothes in this house, and she would also lose her phone for a time.

It’s not ok to steal clothes from your family member and it’s worse because she destroyed them to fit her

Borrowing, fine. Taking when she won't get it back for a term, not fine. Taking and destroying, not fine. She needs to replace the destroyed clothes, apologize, and pay for the clothes that aren't damaged to be posted to her sister at uni. I personally would take her phone and restrict access to WiFi for a while too.

She should have to repay the clothes and also I would take some treasured items of hers and give them to her sister so she knows what it feels like to lose something important to her.

Don't do this. It's unnecessarily mean.

Yes make her repay anything damaged and make her return everything. I'd even be looking to block her access to tiktok and socials for a time. But don't take her treasured possessions

Absolutely appalling - your poor older daughter! Definitely the clothes need to be paid for and TikTok removed. If she doesn’t learn now she’ll be worse off for life when she leaves home.

Oh god this is bad. I have DDs of 16 and 21 so I'm familiar with the dynamic, and they do borrow each others' clothes but (a) they pretty much always ask; and (b) they would never do something sneaky like this taking them out of a packed case. That said, I'm definitely one for natural consequences and not punishment, particularly for the teenage years.

So IMHO DD2's natural consequences are:

• clearly she needs to return the undamaged clothes to her sister and apologise
• she needs to replace any that she damaged from her own money, whether that's birthday/christmas money, savings or doing chores to pay it off
• she needs to delete the Tiktok she posted, and if necessary explain to her friends why
• her relationship with her sister will likely be permanently damaged, and she probably won't be allowed to borrow clothes the next time she asks

I'm a bit on the fence about making her delete Tiktok. On one hand she's clearly shown contempt for her sister in what she's posted and an enforced break might be no bad thing. But on the other, is it so much worse to post it on Tiktok than just do a live fashion show for her friends?

Natural consequences.

In my house she would be in school uniform only as all her other clothing would be on vinted to pay her sister back.

Id also get rid of the smart phone and replace with one that only does calls and texts. 13 year olds shouldn’t be on TikTok and she clearly can’t cope with the social pressure it creates.

A 13 year old knows full well that it’s wrong to steal her sister clothes and cut them to alter them. It shouldn’t need to be explained to her. She should be punished.

I have a sister and three children. It's not normal sibling behaviour and no one would be allowed to get away with taking and especially not damaging their siblings clothes or any other property. If your 13yo DD has Christmas, birthday or pocket money you need to replace the clothes out of that. If she has none then I'd be putting her console or other pricy items on marketplace. She HAS to learn comsequences.

Younger DD needs to replace the items she took and directly apologise to her sister. If the items are ruined she has to pay for a replacement.
As parents you need to tell her in no uncertain terms this behaviour is not ok - she has to ask to borrow items from her sister.
I would say she has to delete tik tok and cannot reinstall it until you say she can. Or a fixed period - one week/month - up to you.

Any savings need to be used to replace clothing at 13 she knows better.

Exactly this. Awful behaviour, especially when the clothes were gifts and clothes dd19 worked hard to pay for.

DD13 should definitely do chores to pay them for the damaged clothes and give the money back to her sister. Work out a chores list and what earns what which she can work off over the next few months. A proper apology to her sister too.

I think you and your husband owe your eldest the money to replace the clothes and then it’s up to you to make the 13yo work the money off by doing jobs.

If your 13Dd had stolen from a friend, you’d be financially responsible to replace them. I don’t think it’s any different because she’s stolen them from an adult sibling who’s worked hard to pay for them.

I had this when I was slightly younger. My sibling purposely smashed a device I had. I was a working adult, they were 17. My parents didn’t replace it and it was expensive and it cost me a lot of money to replace.

Like others have said. She has to replace the damaged items. I would go further though and donate a few of her favourite clothes to charity. Just so she empathise more because it seems like a lesson she desperately needs.

Borrowing siblings clothes is one thing. Damaging them for a daft video is another.

I'd be banning tiktok until she had replaced them. She's obviously not mature enough for that kind of privilege. Given people will see what she's done and she obviously didn't give a fuck.

She should be banned from tic tick ( by you) for 6mths, apologise to her sister and buy her a voucher for whatever shop the damaged clothes were from