Aibu to say this is theft?

[purplehatandscarf]

I have two DDs, 19 and 13. Dd19 lives away at university and dd13 lives at home with me and dh.

When DD19 went back to halls after Christmas, she called me very upset saying a lot of her new clothes somehow haven’t made it home with her, but she is sure she packed them. She drove back alone so no chance of someone else stealing her things en route.

She was very upset. She works alongside her studies and had bought herself nice clothes to wear and had been given a couple of dresses for Christmas from her nanna who lives in Spain.

This week, DD13 has appeared on TikTok doing a fashion show wearing her sister’s clothes, the ones that had gone missing from her case. She had ripped a couple of the tops at the front to give them a tie knot and turn them into crop tops. She confessed to sneaking into her sister’s room, opening her case and grabbing a handful of clothes before zipping it shut again.

I say this is theft and more than just innocent stealing a top here and there from your sibling, but DH disagrees and says this is exactly what happens with siblings.

Aibu to say this is stealing and DD13 needs to be punished? If so what punishment would you reccomend?

What? It is not REMOTELY normal 13 year old behaviour!!

Taking packed clothes out from a suitcase is not the normal level of siblings borrowing one another's clothes. I always wore my sister's clothes but would never have done this.
A thirteen year old should know better and as a consequence should replace the clothes they damaged. If they have a good relationship then the older sister's hurt should be enough of a deterrent for it to not happen again and this conversation should be had.

Plus, it is not just a case of repaying her sister. Some of tge items were gifts from a relative in Spain.Thet have sentimental value.

I suspect the OP has got the idea now - maybe lay off all the posts calling her 13yr old a 'brat'?!

I have slightly young kids (both at home). But I eould do the following:

Remove her phone. A month seams reasonable. And during that time I woukd load Google Family Link or the iPhone equivalent which would remain on the phone - blocking ticktoc and other such apps. She's not responsible enough.

I would make her collect all the clothes, launder them and the assess the damage.
She'd be replacing the damaged ones with her own funds by the time her sister returns for Easter
She would then be parcelling up the undamaged ones and paying the costs of getting them to her sister.

Does your DH think the older one should just put up with this? It would be lowering my opinion of him and his respect for others. It would also make me think he favours the younger one and I'd be watching out for that with other things.

What a spiteful thing to do. Little cow!

I remember that thread! Wonder if she did buy a pony in the end?

If she stole from a shop do you think she should be spoken to & apologise, then if she steals from someone’s house or steals their car, you think speaking to her & apologising is the way to go. Children need to be shown there are consequences to their actions. Punishment doesn’t have to be brutal but they have to lose somthing they value so they will think twice the next time.

That is exactly what she is. Maybe we should wait until she is 18 before telling her that her behaviour is wrong or maybe 25 or shall we just go the whole hog and let her away with bad behaviour for life?

Of course this is theft!! My older sister used to steal my money from my moneybox, constantly, despite me finding new hiding places. It added up to a lot over the years. I never ever got a penny back from her, we no longer speak.

Exactly this. Had your older daughter done the same thing to your 13 year old, she'd have been very upset - and rightly so. Your younger daughter hasn't committed a hanging offence, but she's got to learn that actions have consequences or she might be tempted to do it again.

I think she needs to make amends to her sister and apologise. Does she have an allowance/pocket money? I would be using this to replace her sister's ruined clothing. Maybe a grounding/social media/phone ban for a couple of weeks. If she doesn't learn that it's not acceptable to just help herself to someone else's stuff when she feels like it, she's going to have trouble in the future!

Perhaps you could clarify what the issue with wearing school uniform is? Obviously she’d prefer to wear ‘fun’ clothes given she stole clothing from her sister but it won’t harm her. And she might be less inclined to post herself on TikTok if her outfit isn’t cool/new. It’s a consequence of stealing, it’s not meant to be fun, but it’s hardly cruel and unusual punishment.

There is a difference between borrowing and stealing!
I have 5 children and none of them “borrow” each others things without asking each other, they’ve been brought up to respect each others belongings.
So as most people have said, absolutely no excuse for her actions and she should be punished.

Taken without knowledge or consent= stealing .
Cut up/customised to crop. = damaged on purpose
utter disregard then topped by parade on tik tok.
Oh thats a whole lot more than "expected sibling stuff"
INTENT is bad but the disregard and public flaunting is horrible.What you allow will continue.
So if it makes it easier reword PUNISH -consequences.
all devices capable of tik tok- confiscated. immediately. indefinately(cos they hate that) oh id be fewmin...

There’s no relish, but she needs to replace other people’s belongings she has deliberately ruined. That’s awful behaviour and a quiet ‘there there dear ’ won’t cut it.

I wonder how DD19 would deal with her sister.....Maybe ask her.

I have a DS who spends a lot of money on clothes out of his own money. His younger sister loves clothes and has happily taken his cast offs over the last few years which has been lovely to see. Now if sister actually went in and took some clothes without permission i would expect him to explode and chances are she would come off a lot worse. You dont steal and you certainly dont steal from family. It would only happen once....

I agree with all of this.

TikTok can get in the bin until she is 15 or 16.

She pays for the replacement clothes whether this is from savings, or chores. If clothes can be mended she takes them to the menders and pays for this. Any intact clothes she takes the parcel to the post office and posts them to her sister tracked.

She rings up her sister on loud speaker or video with you present, to apologise meaningfully and agrees never to do this again.

This is a great idea.

I'd be telling her she needs to pay her sister back the full amount, even if it means it comes out of her birthday money for the next 3 years. It isnt a punishment like grounding/taking devices is, it's simply the only way to try and make right what she has done.

If you can afford to pay your eldest the money so she doesn't have to wait for it, I'd do that and then claim it back from youngest myself.

It’s not what every sibling does, at all. It’s disrespectful and I’d make her earn the money back somehow to give to her sister for the clothes.

Siblings can be pretty foul - my two sisters and I did some horrible things to each other, but if caught out there was hell to pay. And if not, the guilt ate at us for years and we fessed up in our forties over the 5th glass of Prosecco!!

’normal’ does not mean ‘acceptable’.

It's alot of agro over a few clothes