BILs new girlfriend - how do I NBU?

[AppelationStation]

Jeez. This turned out to be loooong.

I know I am being pretty unreasonable here. I guess I'm looking for suggestions to shift my thinking so I don't let myself down and act like a tw*t.

BIL (DHs brother) separated from his wife almost 2 years ago.

Prior to this, the four of us were close friends for a while, living near by, seeing each at least once a week. In more recent years both couples relocated and we saw each other less. We have kids of a similar age, who are also quite close, so whenever we did meet up it was lovely.

We knew things were a bit rocky but didn't see the separation coming. BIL immediately got together with another woman, who he'd previously been friends with. He was seeing his new GF after he and exSIL decided to split, but before they'd moved out of their house together. We met her during this period when they were supposedly just friends, but I had a gut feeling which proved to be right.

New GF is very nice. I can't fault her. She's never expressed a negative thought or opinion within ear shot of me, on anything. BILs kids love her, the family love her, she fits right in. Everyone is, rightly, happy for BIL. There's a bit of me that feels BILs ex of 20 odd years, their kids' mum and my former friend (my attempts to contact her have been met with a luke warm response, fair enough) has very quickly been replaced. Maybe because I'm an inlaw in their family and it makes me feel insecure.

Here's where i'm being a tw*t: I can't warm to her. I am someone who wears my faults on my sleave and I can see 0 chink in her armour. To quote Motherland, "Where is her secret sadness?!". I find it a bit spooky.

Also, BIL is very loved up and vocal about how he was so unhappy for so long because his ex just wasn't his person. Thanks to new GF he's apparently discovered sex is his "love language" (!) and he was missing that before. They're both incredibly fit, outdoorsy people who share their love of mountaineering and cycling. I'm aware there's nothing wrong with this. BUT...

I find myself wanting to scream "OF COURSE YOUR NEW GF IS ALL SEXY AND SKINNY AND HAS TIME FOR YOUR HOBBIES BIL, SHE IS 10 YRS YOUNGER AND HASN'T BEEN BRINGING UP YOUR 2 KIDS FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS!"

FYI, BIL is quite hard to live with I'd say, and was quite neglectful as a partner to his ex.

I feel like my feelings are rather telling about my own marriage, and their new relationship is tapping into my own, grossly unattractive, insecurities. But that doesn't make the feelings go away. I just find it all...icky.

We're all going on a family holiday together soon and I'm dreading it. So, acknowledging IABU, what do I need to tell myself to get me out of this negative thinking pattern, and survive a long weekend in close quarters?

Extra points for empathy.
Top points for a kind telling off.
Zero points for telling me what I already know about how much of a dreadful person I am (I'm on it, ta).

YABU - it all seems to have moved very fast. His wife was your friend and you feel loyal to her. The other family members seem to have moved on very quickly and I can see why that would make you feel insecure. I suppose just be civil to the new woman. I’m sure reality will bite for them in s year or so.

I don’t think you’re a dreadful person but I do think you’re projecting your own insecurities onto this woman.

What bil decided to do with his life is his choice. It seems like the family have all accepted the girlfriend and most importantly the children. Really that’s all that matters here.
It’s a shame your ex sil doesn’t want to keep in touch but it’s fair enough, she needs to have a clean break away from everyone.

I think you’re worried your own dh might get some ideas and feel he will be happier elsewhere. That’s a completely normal worry to have, it’s a worry a lot of women have. We are working and raising children so don’t always have the time to have fun and feel relaxed. At the end of the day we sometimes just want our beds and a good night sleep. You’re worried that your dh will see what bil has and want it for himself.
Thats not this woman’s fault. That’s what you need to repeat to yourself. We can’t comment on how and when they got together but it’s working for them and that’s all that matters.

You need to give yourself a shake (no judgement) and remind yourself to focus on your own marriage. Focus on your relationship and if you’re feeling worried or unhappy then what can you do to change it?

I find saying the Serenity Prayer (in my head!) helps me when I feel like busting a few heads.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Keep your side of the road clean and don't be a twat.

Good luck 🍀

They split 2 years ago. The ex isn't that into you, but it's all great horrible younger gf fault?

Yanbu

1. Sex is most peoples love language, unless they a. Don't have sex with people they love, or b have sex with their friends.

1. I'd also be irritated by someone saying one of the reason they left their wife, was because of hobbies that it's impossible to do, with small children, that they themselves agreed to.

I do think though this is your BIL being a twat, and you are taking out your frustration on the wrong person (unless he is saying it infront of her and she is nodding along...although secretly she is probably shitting herself at how pregnancy/ illness etc will influence her boyfriends ' love language' in the future )

There's a Faye Weldon short story about this very thing so it's not just you and you're not a terrible person!
To be honest l think l'd feel the same.

I wouldn’t of booked a holiday with them in the first place and I would distance myself to be honest.

I would also have to mention the remarks about kids etc if he kept saying about his love language.

For what it’s worth I don’t think you are being unreasonable, I suspect as #Ballerina says your own feelings of how quickly they’ve all moved on is rather uncomfortable. I suspect the family are seeing the new lady through BILs rose coloured specs & buying into his narrative of how things have happened
& conveniently forgetting his part in the marriage breakdown

As far as the new lady is concerned would you be able to mentally separate her from her situation & see her as an individual briefly? This may help you identify some of her good traits & see her in her own light rather than BILs, separating her from the breakdown of BIL & your friends marriage & your loss of that friendship which you are quite reasonably grieving for may help you gain perspective.

ps I also don’t think you’re a bad person for having sympathy for his first wife.

I agree with everything you have said, particularly the bit about new gf being 10 years younger and not having raised his 2 children, I'd want to shout that too. The only advice I would give, is be nice to her, it's not her fault (although I think you know that already) and try to like her, if you can't then just pretend to, hard I know. I agree with the pp who said she is probably worried about what will happen in the future.

In relation to your insecurities about your own relationship, has your DH made any comments on his views about BIL? Does he have the same opinion that you do? If I were you I think I'd be happy if I thought your husband had the same view. Good luck!

I think I went to great lengths to explain that I don't think it's her fault, I know she's a nice person, and that I'm he one being a twat. Not sure what else I can say tbh.

@AdaStarkadder Ooh, what's it called?? I might need a holiday read...

i agree with @TheCosySeal, I don’t know why you’re going on holiday with them! As it’s already arranged, I’d plaster on a smile for this long weekend and then tell your DH that you’re not interested in going on any more such holidays. If your DH wants to go on holiday with his brother, great, but you don’t have to.

If your BIL starts on about his hobbies again, you can casually say that it must be easier to do his own thing when he hasn’t got the children.

If you really can't cope then why agree to the holiday Op? It's going to be very difficult being stuck with them every day

You are quite correct. I am worried my DH will fancy a bit of the same.

Who wouldn't want to trade in me: The Tired Woman who, having relocated to his home town to have kids and then went through surgical menopause at 32 as a result of a disastrous birth, and is a therefore a grumpy chunk: with a fit nubile 30 something with no baggage and a lust for life?

I think my DH values me and mostly shares my view. He'd quite like it if I was more inclined to walk up mountains in my spare time. I like mountains, but with a demanding ft job and kids, it's not high on my list of priorities when I have a day off. I can't he arsed!

Ewwww of course you don't like her! I'd have gone right off the BIL as well, if I were you! What a cliche! His poor kids.

We're going with PIL, as we have done for the last few years, and BIL + GF are coming along.

Breaks away with PIL are usually v low maintenance, easy an fun. I didn't know the other were coming until last week. It's great for DH as he gets to hang out with his brother, and the kids get to see their cousins. I could really do with a break and now feel it will be hard work. I know that makes me very selfish.

I feel like my feelings are rather telling about my own marriage, and their new relationship is tapping into my own, grossly unattractive, insecurities. But that doesn't make the feelings go away. I just find it all...icky.

you are being very honest and I think the crux of it is as you and others have said upthread, this new relationship feels like a threat to you and your ‘old’ relationship and no doubt some righteous indignation on behalf of your ex sil.

this feeling towards the new sil is entirely understandable to those of us who might be older and feeling worn out etc but as you say, it’s not her fault.
can you talk to your husband about how it’s making you feel? If not him then a good and trusted honest friend or failing that, a therapist.
anyone who can help you look at the background to these feelings and help you to separate your emotions from their situation.
also this ‘new’ relationship has upset the status quo, you no longer have your familiar cosy foursome and seem to have lost a good friend.

so your brain is telling you that new sil is the cause of these unwelcome changes.

Some of your other posts paint your DH as a bit of a dreamer so it might make sense you would be worried he might not see the reality of your BIL new relationship.
It is a shame you are all trying to recreate the couples relationship you had previously with this new woman. It is not going to be the same and you need to let your DH be aware of your concerns. E.g. you are happy to meet up with them but you have your reservations as this woman is much younger, not a mother, has different life experiences, so you are naturally not going to gel the same.

I think you need to try and see her as "Sarah" rather than "BILs fling who he keeps comparing unfairly to my friend". Could you suggest some girl time? An activity where the adult women get to hang out together without kids or men?

Well he's a cyclist ergo he is a knob.
I'm afraid I wouldn't have been able to resist bursting his smug bubble when he denigrated his wife.
You need to re-think this OP, you think it's the girlfriend that you don't like but actually it's BIL, isn't it.

@AppelationStation Don’t be hard on yourself, I rarely go on trips with DH’s family, I wave him goodbye (sometimes with one of our teens in tow, sometimes not) and let him go with them. I’ll do Christmas and other special occasions, but otherwise, I let him have a few days with his family and I relax at home. 😂 Perhaps you should do this next time someone suggests a long weekend away, he could take the children.

Who gets the kids? Can you not go on a family holiday with the ex and her kids too, as they're still your nieces and nephews?

I mean obviously not for the sake of just fitting in a holiday with them but just rotate every now and then.

Otherwise she sounds totally excluded/replaced from your circle which also explains some of your resentment towards the new woman

YANBU, BIL sounds like a prick.

And I get the sense from your post that he may have been with his new GF even whilst married.

The good news is you’ve relocated away from each other so you can hopefully keep contact to a minimum.

I wouldn’t let them use you to form a foursome. Seems strange why he has chosen to come on this holiday when they don’t previously join.

Exactly who is going to be looking after your DNs while your DH hangs out with his DB? Prior to this, I'm sure you and your SIL hung out together and jointly cared for all the DC, so I suspect your Bail is expecting you to do all that childcare on your own I'm afraid. The GF is unlikely to be doing any of it. Or else they will expect that DGP to step in, knowing full well that it will then likely fall to you anyway.

Point out to your DH that you are not willing to carry the burden of childcare for all the DC so he is NOT to make plans with his DB for just the two of them. Lets see how exciting and fun DBIL finds life when HE has to actually take responsibility for childcare.

Life is too short for this kind of nonsense.

Your BIL was unhappy in his marriage for multiple reasons and as was ex-wife.

I agree with others that your projecting and that you have be having the ick with your BIL.

Go with the flow, enjoy the holiday, enjoy the company and see if you learn something new for your BIL gf.