BILs new girlfriend - how do I NBU?

[AppelationStation]

Jeez. This turned out to be loooong.

I know I am being pretty unreasonable here. I guess I'm looking for suggestions to shift my thinking so I don't let myself down and act like a tw*t.

BIL (DHs brother) separated from his wife almost 2 years ago.

Prior to this, the four of us were close friends for a while, living near by, seeing each at least once a week. In more recent years both couples relocated and we saw each other less. We have kids of a similar age, who are also quite close, so whenever we did meet up it was lovely.

We knew things were a bit rocky but didn't see the separation coming. BIL immediately got together with another woman, who he'd previously been friends with. He was seeing his new GF after he and exSIL decided to split, but before they'd moved out of their house together. We met her during this period when they were supposedly just friends, but I had a gut feeling which proved to be right.

New GF is very nice. I can't fault her. She's never expressed a negative thought or opinion within ear shot of me, on anything. BILs kids love her, the family love her, she fits right in. Everyone is, rightly, happy for BIL. There's a bit of me that feels BILs ex of 20 odd years, their kids' mum and my former friend (my attempts to contact her have been met with a luke warm response, fair enough) has very quickly been replaced. Maybe because I'm an inlaw in their family and it makes me feel insecure.

Here's where i'm being a tw*t: I can't warm to her. I am someone who wears my faults on my sleave and I can see 0 chink in her armour. To quote Motherland, "Where is her secret sadness?!". I find it a bit spooky.

Also, BIL is very loved up and vocal about how he was so unhappy for so long because his ex just wasn't his person. Thanks to new GF he's apparently discovered sex is his "love language" (!) and he was missing that before. They're both incredibly fit, outdoorsy people who share their love of mountaineering and cycling. I'm aware there's nothing wrong with this. BUT...

I find myself wanting to scream "OF COURSE YOUR NEW GF IS ALL SEXY AND SKINNY AND HAS TIME FOR YOUR HOBBIES BIL, SHE IS 10 YRS YOUNGER AND HASN'T BEEN BRINGING UP YOUR 2 KIDS FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS!"

FYI, BIL is quite hard to live with I'd say, and was quite neglectful as a partner to his ex.

I feel like my feelings are rather telling about my own marriage, and their new relationship is tapping into my own, grossly unattractive, insecurities. But that doesn't make the feelings go away. I just find it all...icky.

We're all going on a family holiday together soon and I'm dreading it. So, acknowledging IABU, what do I need to tell myself to get me out of this negative thinking pattern, and survive a long weekend in close quarters?

Extra points for empathy.
Top points for a kind telling off.
Zero points for telling me what I already know about how much of a dreadful person I am (I'm on it, ta).

Make sure you arrange a day on holiday going off by yourself doing something you enjoy. And inform DH BIL and SIL that they are looking after the kids.

A very ex bf - like 30 years - married a younger woman. Had been friends with him and his ex-DW for a long time. I had a lot of trouble warming to her - there is something about seeing a contemporary replaced with a younger woman which is horrible. FWIW I got to know new wife better and she is lovely. But its ok to not like the trend of women being replaced with younger partners.

No, this isn't the right approach. Don't treat it like a competition between you and DH. All that does is cement the separation between you and the other adults. I don't think DH spending more time with BIL and GF and less with you is a good idea at all.

Instead, make sure that you and DH get alone, kid-free time to do something together. Find something that will connect you and make you feel close and secure. Sex and conversation, laughter, a shared interest. Spend a day or evening just the two of you and make it a lovely, warm and happy time. Let him see that while BIL is having fun, he's not having more fun than the two of you are, and he doesn't have decades of friendship behind him to make the connection deep and significant the way you and DH do.

Whatever you do, don't set yourself against DH in this situation.

I'm sure your ex SIL will be climbing mountains now she will have 50% kid free time.

I'd be gritting my teeth at BIL. But I suppose at least the children seem to have accepted the change which is key. Like others have said it may all change if they stay together for the long run and decide to have children themselves

Speak to your husband about your feelings and any insecurities and who knows maybe this woman may encourage you to climb some mountains too

A family friend went through a very similar situation to the OP; she struggled to warm to the BILs OW (who became his partner) and was berated by her PIL and SIL for not being more accepting and welcoming of this woman into the family.

A few years later, the same OW had an affair with the SIL's H. The same reasons were given by the H "we've been unhappy for a while, OW is sporty & fun; SIL has become boring" (I.e. she'd been too busy raising the kids and doing the housework to suck his dick regularly).

All of a sudden the PIL and SIL thought the OW was the biggest bitch in the universe and that my friend would be the most awful person if she accepted OW and the H into her life.

As it was, the new couple moved away together so the friend wouldn't have seen them anyway. But it's surprising how exactly the same situation and people were viewed, depending on who was hurt.

Why would you let yourself be assigned as default childcare while DH, BIL and GF go for a non kid friendly hike? Why would you do that to yourself?

No. It's your holiday too! They need to go on a kid friendly hike or DGPs look after all the kids or THEY DON'T GO

You talk about your insecurities, which I won't say are entirely valid but at this point you are just reinforcing them. If you don't want DH to see you as dull, boring, mummy who doesn't hike then stop letting them assign you that role!

If you want to hike then DH has to facilitate it. He and you should go together and BIL and GF should look after the children. And then you swap so the next day BIL and GF go out. Stop letting them have everything their way.

Nobody knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage.

It’s easy to say that he was a twat/prick/difficult but unhappiness in a marriage is rarely that black and white.

Also it’s not a popular viewpoint on here, but if the marriage was unhappy and the BIL ended up leaving because of this woman it’s entirely possible that the kids love her. I know several people whose parents left for other partners and the children have had fantastic relationships with them, even going forward.

From your perspective it’s your DH’s family. And realistically while you don’t have to like this woman you’re also as much as an outsider as she is. How would you feel if your IL’s refused to accept you for instance? And yet you are upset that they accept the BIL’s GF.

It’s his life, not their’s. The IL’s could of course choose to remain in contact with the ex if she’d wanted that.But that doesn’t mean they should shun the new GF.

Porfirio - useful input

I agree, I'm not sure that BIL has done much wrong here.

Would posters rather he stayed in an unhappy marriage?

Marriages don't always work, it's a fact of life.

He's the twat who left his kids with their mum whilst he went gallivanting around on mountains, then complains that his un-svelte wife doesn't do those things and is boring and doesn't have any sex, so he gets with a woman 10 years younger and can continue gallivanting on mountains with the new sexy girlfriend because aforementiomed ex wife is STILL looking after their children most of the time.

I think you need to get some counselling and focus on your own worries. You acknowledge you are projecting onto this woman. She has done nothing wrong, she has probably been on best behaviour maybe the holiday will be a chance to get to know her more as a person.

Also @AppelationStation (and forgive me for posting twice but this just occurred to me 😂) she is probably BRICKING it about being accepted into the family. I know I was when I first met DH's P and then DSDs and finally the extended family. I think I had anxiety dreams for weeks before the first full family Christmas and due to Covid that was four years after we met and two and a half years after we married!

Just because she seems confident doesn't mean she is inwardly. So please bear that in mind when trying not to project onto her.

I don't think OP needs counselling. I think her reaction is perfectly normal.

It's not actually about the new GF per se, it's how quickly exSIL has been airbrushed out of the picture and the startling revelation that the same would happen to OP should she split from her DH (even if that is entirely unlikely).

These are hard emotions to come to terms with and then to find that she also is meant to play happy families with her friends - younger, thinner, sexier - replacement, well it would be a rare human who wasn't a bit perturbed by that.

I agree OP should be civil, but there’s no onus on OP to make any special accommodation for the new GF. The OP wasn’t given a choice about the GF turning up on holiday, she wasn’t given a choice about her DP deciding to go on a day-long hike without her and the kids. The OP’s DH and PIL have decided to welcome the new GF which is all fine and dandy and good for the kids etc, but the OP doesn’t have to like the uncritical way in which they’ve embraced the situation despite BIL white-washing his role in the collapse of the marriage and his rather smug and self-centred statements about sex and hobbies.

OP, I would seriously consider sitting down with GF and a bottle of wine one evening of the holiday and explaining that you were good friends with exDW, you miss her company and feel awkward about suddenly finding yourself on a vacation where she’s been replaced by a virtual stranger as if exDW never existed, that you find it hard to separate this new relationship from the absolute crap you've heard BIL spouting about how his marriage ended. You can say that you’ll try hard this holiday to get to know GF as a person and not hold it against her that she’s teamed up with BiL, who, it turns out, is a bit of a dickhead and living incarnation of the stereotypical middle-aged man leaving his wife and kids for a younger, child-free woman.

Just because the OP is “only an in-law” doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get a say in family matters.

Also OP - I would reach out to ex dw independently and say, would she like to meet up and take all the kids out for the day at Easter, or invite them to visit you. Tell her you miss her and don’t want things to remain awkward. You don’t need your dh permission to do this - just organise it and tell him.

She's not a new girlfriend @Wizardo. She's been with BIL for two years. If OP keeps her at arms length, she will be the one who misses out.

I don't think you are an awful person or any of those things!

You sound a bit pissed off about it being assumed you and MIL will mind the kids. I don't blame you, how old are they?

BIL sounds like a bit of an arse but as you've said yourself that isn't new gf's fault. I would try not to let it show to her. You don't need to be best friends or anything just chat ye might find some common ground.

@harriethoyle Well, new-ish 😂

OP is perfectly entitled to keep GF at arm’s length, perfectly within her rights to feel sympathy for exDW and also perfectly reasonable to not enjoy being put in a situation ON HOLIDAY where she is confronted with unpleasant feelings about her own marriage and her DH emulating his DB’s behaviour (informing DW he’s going off hiking for the day regardless what she might think about it).

It sounds like an absolutely shit holiday plan to me.

Indeed it doesn't. And it sounds like SIL is actually the most blameless person in the setup, actually. There's not a chance in hell I'd be going on this holiday.

Isin’t the problem mostly because the BIL clearly overshares?
Like, why is he talking to you about sex?
That’s weird.
Also, everyone claiming ”sex is their love language” (🙄) is an instant creep.

He does sound like a total sad cliche.

Do you have to go to the family vacation?

As you know, you are being unreasonable, and being aware of that is a good thing and will enable you to consciously adjust your attitude towards her.
It sounds like a smidge of jealousy has also been thrown in to the mix, so be careful not to show that, as it's not a good look. Just try to let go of any ill feeling towards her and just get to know her. Use the holiday as a fresh opportunity to do this. You may be pleasantly surprised - and if not, at least you are keeping the peace within the family and not causing unnecessary trouble.
Their relationship isn't yours to worry about, after all.

Where did you get that the BIL's wife is 'un-svelte'? OP hasn't said so. Nor has she said that SIL was left to look after the children and that she didn't have any time for herself? It is OP who is feeling insecure and unfit.

Either way, OP doesn't know what happened in this marriage, only what other people have told her. BIL is going to be one-sided (in his favour) and his ex isn't really talking to OP about her marriage.

Too much gossip and all it does is cause damage. Keep out of it and don't speculate.

If only women behaved as if they were the prizes and didn't set men up in that position. We could dispense with all that nonsense 'how to keep your man'. No, you don't 'keep your man', your man is lucky to be with you and if he doesn't see it that way, then he's gone - under your instructions, not his.

OP... I suspect that you don't want to do this hike because you don't feel fit enough, or think that you wouldn't match up? I think it has bugger all to do with childcare, your parents in law could manage that without you. Your insecurities will get the better of you (and fester) if you let them - don't.

You're good enough in your own right.

I can't imagine having the kind of relationship with my BIL where he would talk about sex in my presence, much less say that sex is his love language! 😲Maybe you had this information through your DH, but I'd still cringe. TMI, in my opinion.

If you don't like someone, you don't like them. There doesn't have to be a reason for it, much less a good reason. I'd try my best to ignore her very existence, beyond the basic civilities. Be too busy doing your own thing to give yourself time to think about her.

Actually I disagree. I don't think she's very considerate either? Or bricking it about being accepted as earlier posters have suggested.

Not that women can't do things with just other men but given the situation/implications here: the cheating backstory, younger trade-in model out gallivanting with the men vs older women left at home, assuming her SIL will be happy to take care of her stepkids...

It's not that I'm biased against her but I'm in my 20s myself and even if I fell into her situation, like became a married older man's younger new wife, I'd be a bit more cautious or aware about treading on others' toes I guess?