BILs new girlfriend - how do I NBU?

[AppelationStation]

Jeez. This turned out to be loooong.

I know I am being pretty unreasonable here. I guess I'm looking for suggestions to shift my thinking so I don't let myself down and act like a tw*t.

BIL (DHs brother) separated from his wife almost 2 years ago.

Prior to this, the four of us were close friends for a while, living near by, seeing each at least once a week. In more recent years both couples relocated and we saw each other less. We have kids of a similar age, who are also quite close, so whenever we did meet up it was lovely.

We knew things were a bit rocky but didn't see the separation coming. BIL immediately got together with another woman, who he'd previously been friends with. He was seeing his new GF after he and exSIL decided to split, but before they'd moved out of their house together. We met her during this period when they were supposedly just friends, but I had a gut feeling which proved to be right.

New GF is very nice. I can't fault her. She's never expressed a negative thought or opinion within ear shot of me, on anything. BILs kids love her, the family love her, she fits right in. Everyone is, rightly, happy for BIL. There's a bit of me that feels BILs ex of 20 odd years, their kids' mum and my former friend (my attempts to contact her have been met with a luke warm response, fair enough) has very quickly been replaced. Maybe because I'm an inlaw in their family and it makes me feel insecure.

Here's where i'm being a tw*t: I can't warm to her. I am someone who wears my faults on my sleave and I can see 0 chink in her armour. To quote Motherland, "Where is her secret sadness?!". I find it a bit spooky.

Also, BIL is very loved up and vocal about how he was so unhappy for so long because his ex just wasn't his person. Thanks to new GF he's apparently discovered sex is his "love language" (!) and he was missing that before. They're both incredibly fit, outdoorsy people who share their love of mountaineering and cycling. I'm aware there's nothing wrong with this. BUT...

I find myself wanting to scream "OF COURSE YOUR NEW GF IS ALL SEXY AND SKINNY AND HAS TIME FOR YOUR HOBBIES BIL, SHE IS 10 YRS YOUNGER AND HASN'T BEEN BRINGING UP YOUR 2 KIDS FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS!"

FYI, BIL is quite hard to live with I'd say, and was quite neglectful as a partner to his ex.

I feel like my feelings are rather telling about my own marriage, and their new relationship is tapping into my own, grossly unattractive, insecurities. But that doesn't make the feelings go away. I just find it all...icky.

We're all going on a family holiday together soon and I'm dreading it. So, acknowledging IABU, what do I need to tell myself to get me out of this negative thinking pattern, and survive a long weekend in close quarters?

Extra points for empathy.
Top points for a kind telling off.
Zero points for telling me what I already know about how much of a dreadful person I am (I'm on it, ta).

@AppelationStation Maybe take another book! FW might not be the happiest choice if you're in the eye of the storm - although you could take a hard-back copy and start laying about you with it if things get really fraught!

She was writing nearly 40 years ago, though - apart from She-Devil her heroines are a bit passive and suffer in silence-ish. You don't have to be Martha. It's just a story, other outcomes are available!

Just to reassure concerned PPs, I do go on 'hikes' with my husband. A lot. We live near some of the highest peaks in the UK. We walked up Snowdon for our wedding anniversary. Often we have DC with us so it is a little limiting. On rare days we are without DC and not at work, I also like to go out for lunch together, mooch around a new town holding hands and, sometimes, hike up a mountain.

I do have a problem with this hike though. I enjoy mountains but I'm quite cautious. Some people thrive on adrenaline and the potential for danger. I've lived with both those things in my day to day for quite a lot of my life (thankfully not now) so don't enjoy the feeling at all. The beauty, the peace, the freedom, yes. DH gets this and, despite being a very able climber himself, we compromise. BIL and GF have the same appetite for thrills and risk that he does, so he's taking the opportunity to walk without compromising for me for a change.

In that mix, BIL is a sarcy so and so and, on the occasions I've said "maybe let's not push the little kids to go up the next rock face" or "DS is a bit young to cycle on roads with 50 mph traffic" He laughs at me and rolls his eyes. So I steer clear of situations where he'll belittle me and make me feel powerless for a laugh.

I'd probably rather spend time with the kids than him tbh. It's just a bit jarring.

He sounds like a real prize! Your ex-SIL is well rid.

He sounds like a total tosspot.

AppelationStation, I don't think it was that posters were 'concerned', more that you seemed to be avoiding the hike. Now you've updated that is much clearer, you're a competent hiker who enjoys this with your husband and children, not with your brother in law. He sounds like an absolute tool by the way, I think every poster has said that in some format.

Your husband should be the one to pull his brother in line when he makes comments, every single time. Why is he not doing that? Does he not hear it or does it just not register? You can also shut your twat of a brother in law down, he's not an alpha, he's just a family member who thinks he is.

Regarding the new girlfriend, you just need to be civil, no need to make friends with her. She's young and probably far more savvy than anyone else as to what she's dealing with. It's she who will be in the driving seat in this relationship, not in thrall to the waster she's currently with.

You haven't said anything categorically about girlfriend being involved before the marriage ended but, as usual, the same posters see OW, OMG!

@AppelationStation just let DH go with the DC and you stay home. It will probably be more relaxing for you.

When he says those things, you need to pull him up on it every time - tell him he doesn't get to risk your children's safety and to stop being a twat!
It seems your bil is allowed to run his mouth off a lot and no one ever challenges him, so he's developed quite the sense of self importance!

@AppelationStation I'm glad you updated about the hike.

I suspected as much as I have a possibly similar DH who likes nothing better than yomping up challenging mountains and I have to say it's a blessed relief when he finds a like minded soul to do it with.

I enjoy walking too, but prefer something less challenging and flatter where I can enjoy nice scenery and a pub meal at the end. DH is also happy to do that with me, but it's good that he gets the more challenging days out occasionally.

BIL sounds like an absolute arse. Ex SIL is probably relieved that he seems to be dating an actual adult who might be capable of supervising their care, as he doesn't seem up to it. I'd maybe try being relieved for the Dnephews and Dnieces that at least DGF means they aren't submitted to BILs solo "care".

BIL sounds even more of an arse from your latest post!

In that mix, BIL is a sarcy so and so and, on the occasions I've said "maybe let's not push the little kids to go up the next rock face" or "DS is a bit young to cycle on roads with 50 mph traffic" He laughs at me and rolls his eyes.
Again this is where my Dh would be told clearly to say that while he can’t stop Bil from killing his children out dangerously hiking, maybe because he clearly doesn’t even like them enough to bring them, we love ours and plan to keep to safe behaviour and if you have a problem with that go jump off a fucking cliff you twat.

TBH I think a standardised response of 'go jump off a fucking cliff you twat' probably covers most situations where the OP's BIL is concerned.