BILs new girlfriend - how do I NBU?

[AppelationStation]

Jeez. This turned out to be loooong.

I know I am being pretty unreasonable here. I guess I'm looking for suggestions to shift my thinking so I don't let myself down and act like a tw*t.

BIL (DHs brother) separated from his wife almost 2 years ago.

Prior to this, the four of us were close friends for a while, living near by, seeing each at least once a week. In more recent years both couples relocated and we saw each other less. We have kids of a similar age, who are also quite close, so whenever we did meet up it was lovely.

We knew things were a bit rocky but didn't see the separation coming. BIL immediately got together with another woman, who he'd previously been friends with. He was seeing his new GF after he and exSIL decided to split, but before they'd moved out of their house together. We met her during this period when they were supposedly just friends, but I had a gut feeling which proved to be right.

New GF is very nice. I can't fault her. She's never expressed a negative thought or opinion within ear shot of me, on anything. BILs kids love her, the family love her, she fits right in. Everyone is, rightly, happy for BIL. There's a bit of me that feels BILs ex of 20 odd years, their kids' mum and my former friend (my attempts to contact her have been met with a luke warm response, fair enough) has very quickly been replaced. Maybe because I'm an inlaw in their family and it makes me feel insecure.

Here's where i'm being a tw*t: I can't warm to her. I am someone who wears my faults on my sleave and I can see 0 chink in her armour. To quote Motherland, "Where is her secret sadness?!". I find it a bit spooky.

Also, BIL is very loved up and vocal about how he was so unhappy for so long because his ex just wasn't his person. Thanks to new GF he's apparently discovered sex is his "love language" (!) and he was missing that before. They're both incredibly fit, outdoorsy people who share their love of mountaineering and cycling. I'm aware there's nothing wrong with this. BUT...

I find myself wanting to scream "OF COURSE YOUR NEW GF IS ALL SEXY AND SKINNY AND HAS TIME FOR YOUR HOBBIES BIL, SHE IS 10 YRS YOUNGER AND HASN'T BEEN BRINGING UP YOUR 2 KIDS FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS!"

FYI, BIL is quite hard to live with I'd say, and was quite neglectful as a partner to his ex.

I feel like my feelings are rather telling about my own marriage, and their new relationship is tapping into my own, grossly unattractive, insecurities. But that doesn't make the feelings go away. I just find it all...icky.

We're all going on a family holiday together soon and I'm dreading it. So, acknowledging IABU, what do I need to tell myself to get me out of this negative thinking pattern, and survive a long weekend in close quarters?

Extra points for empathy.
Top points for a kind telling off.
Zero points for telling me what I already know about how much of a dreadful person I am (I'm on it, ta).

@PicaK That's the one! I couldn't remember the name ... There you go OP The Weekend by Faye Weldon - You are not alone!

Sounds similar to my BIL who left his wife of twenty years and two teenage kids. He took up with a woman 20 years younger, who he’d obviously been having an affair with. My husband and I initially liked her then started to see she could well be using my BIL for money, a better lifestyle, daddy figure for her and her two very young children. My husband and I have seen right through her now and we don’t have anything to do with her. My husband just sees his brother without any involvement with her.

Could you not see your BIL without the new partner being there or will that be too difficult. It’s always tricky when there’s a split in the family.

assuming her SIL will be happy to take care of her stepkids...

They're not her step kids so she hasn't assumed anything. Their father has.

First of all, I would feel the same as you. You are very self aware and know that it might be because it plays up with your insecurities, so I would say, have a chat with your husband about it and that would hopefully make you feel at ease.
My husband and I have talked about this before, as 15 years into marriage, things might not be as exciting but we are always trying to communicate and keep the spark alive, we find it amusing how people that separate or divorce, forget is ALWAYS going to be the exciting in the first few years when is all new and it's only the 2 of you.
It is not something you could openly say to your BIL and GF without them feeling is a personal attack though, so, no point trying. At most what you could do is, if/when he starts bringing up his ex ,saying she was not his person or he was not happy, just say "look, BIL, whilst I am happy you found your person now, and wish you the best on your new relationship I would appreciate if you would not make comments like that about your ex , as we were close for a number of years and it's just not fair we discuss her".

I'd drop out of this holiday - you've seen how little dil's are valued by your in laws and how easy they are replaced, so you won't be missing anything by opting out!

Did your husband ask you if you minded being with the kids while he went hiking or did he arrange this and then inform you? Because that makes a huge difference to what should happen next. If it was the latter, I'd be telling him it isn't happening.

Next time Bil starts spouting off, I think you should tell him what you think - you'll feel better for not suppressing your opinion. New gf hasn't really done anything wrong - she's just a woman who met a man and has swallowed all his bs - she hasn't had the benefit of raising his kids and being too busy/tired to keep up with his hobbies/sex life, so she doesn't know any better. But you aren't obliged to like her or bond with her - let's face it, your relationship only exists because of your in-laws and you've seen first hand how quickly that relationship is subject to change!

I'd tell dh I want to cancel. And if that's really not possible, then dh has to stay with the kids and do things as part of your family unit, not with his brother and gf. And if anyone gets to go gallivanting away for the day, it will be you, since these are his relatives and you are only there because of him!

I feel like my feelings are rather telling about my own marriage, and their new relationship is tapping into my own, grossly unattractive, insecurities

Yes. Yes they are.

That's basically it. You are not your ex-SIL and your BIL is not your husband, so none of this should actually be bothering you.

What do you want your BIL to do? Just grind on miserably in an unhappy marriage? Or start a relationship with someone who isn't attractive and doesn't share his interests, and with whom he would be unhappy with in exactly the same way he was unhappy with his ex-wife?

His marriage wasn't working; his new relationship is. He may well be a complete arsehole for all I know, but that's certainly not his new partner's fault, and in any case, there isn't some kind of rule that says if someone's a bit of a dickhead by your standards they have to stay married to someone they're no longer in love with.

my deep-as-a-puddle BIL . I’m going to adopt this phrase to describe shallow people, @Fargo79 🤣🤣

Wirh your update about doing the childcare, I really wouldn’t be going on this holiday. OP. Unless your BIL can provide some childcare while you and your DH go out perhaps. Fair enough if the grandparents want to spend time with their grandchildren, but why should you miss out on activities?

Obviously you’ll do what suits you, but don’t let yourself get turned into a doormat, OP. You deserve as much fun as your DH. 💐

To be fair the GF sounds like the better of the two of them in this scenario.

@rookiemere I agree!

YABU by being far too nice to the pair of them. They were clearly at it before your BIL abandoned his wife- you can see that can’t you?
And no wonder your efforts to keep peace with your SIL were met with a lukewarm response when you’ve welcomed this new woman into your family with open arms. What a fucking insult.
Both of them deserve to be excluded from family events, to make way for your poor SIL, not the rest of the family condoning his behaviour and making extra effort to make them feel welcome.

Any man who leaves their wife for a younger woman doesn't exist in my life anymore. Such a pathetic cliché

Talk, talk talk to you dh.

Talk honestly about the potential, imaginary delights of being chidlfree and the awfulness of not being with your children every night - false delights of freedom and the heart wrenching thoughts of them wanting you in the night and you(him) not being there.

Talk about the wonder of starting over again versus the shared history of 'your song' or your first kiss, or how you build your lives and careers family home together. Talk about the terrible sadness (for your BIL) of losing those 20 year memories.

I looked up the Fay Weldon story and oh it is marvellous. But far too much truth in there!

https://www.teachingenglish.org.uk/sites/teacheng/files/weekend_text_0.pdf

Don’t - don’t - slot into the role of Martha.
If you’ve ever had the urge to take up a new hobby, change jobs or mix your social life up a bit, now is the time to be doing it.

I’m frightened to read it now@BadSkiingMum , even though I enjoy Fay Weldon’s work!

I suspect, however, that I’m more of a Ruth in “She-Devil” though so DH had better behave himself. 🤣

Are you really a bad skier? I’m terrible.

It's not a cliche, it's human nature. You can't unpick millennia of behaviour.

@Keepitwarm Thankfully not encountered it in my life with the people I know but read about it on here and see in the celeb world. So thankfully only certain men.

@BruFord Oh do read it on that PDF, it is really good! Disconcerting, but I feel encouraged that Martha had the potential escape-route of her work.

Fay Weldon was probably the first feminist writer I ever encountered. 'Letters to Alice' was the first book that made me think through a feminist lens.

Perhaps I am doing myself down by saying 'bad'! But I have definitely reached a plateau and it isn't at a very high altitude...😂

op I’d be VERY clear that DH would be pitching in more than his fair share with childcare or I see a situ where you and MIL are ponyed up for it all, while BIL new gf and your DH enjoy themselves. Are you having a day to yourself? After the ‘big hike’ ?

you could always ‘catch a bug’ and have to stay at home.

OMG @BadSkiingMum ! That Faye Sheldon story ! That changed my life when I read it, I resolved never to be like Martha and instead be like ‘the men’

amazing. See also Helen Simpsons ‘yeah right, get a life’. Fab book.

Oof that story!

Oh no! I bought the Fay Weldon short story collection so I could read it on said weekend! Am I going to regret my choices? Will it give me the rage or just make me weep?

Off to find alternative reading material...

YANBU. Man leaves mother of his children for a younger model - how tedious. You can acknowledge she is a fine person while also not validating BIL's choices and welcoming her as a replacement of the poor SIL.

What a woman 10 years younger than a man leaving his wife and children for more sex sees in him is....baffling. I'd question her intelligence. She probably just feels really flattered she's got one up on another woman.

Yes some women love the power of nabbing them.

There was a rather brilliant piece by a female columnist (Allison Pearson, Melanie McDonagh?) expressing her disappointment around the time of one of the big marital crises coming out in the media e.g. forty-something man leaves wife or long term partner for twenty-six year old. It went something like:

’During after-work drinks and snatched suppers he tells her a tale of woe, of how restricted and ordinary his life has become; all creativity and spontaneity crushed out of him by a wife determined to restrict him to the domestic grind. She laps up this tale with sympathy, understanding exactly what he is going through. After all, she has only recently escaped her own mother.’

Is it really “surprising” though? You’re basically saying that people should view someone who was the OW in a stranger’s marriage in the exact same way as someone who was the OW in her SIL’s marriage. That’s bizarre.