BILs new girlfriend - how do I NBU?

[AppelationStation]

Jeez. This turned out to be loooong.

I know I am being pretty unreasonable here. I guess I'm looking for suggestions to shift my thinking so I don't let myself down and act like a tw*t.

BIL (DHs brother) separated from his wife almost 2 years ago.

Prior to this, the four of us were close friends for a while, living near by, seeing each at least once a week. In more recent years both couples relocated and we saw each other less. We have kids of a similar age, who are also quite close, so whenever we did meet up it was lovely.

We knew things were a bit rocky but didn't see the separation coming. BIL immediately got together with another woman, who he'd previously been friends with. He was seeing his new GF after he and exSIL decided to split, but before they'd moved out of their house together. We met her during this period when they were supposedly just friends, but I had a gut feeling which proved to be right.

New GF is very nice. I can't fault her. She's never expressed a negative thought or opinion within ear shot of me, on anything. BILs kids love her, the family love her, she fits right in. Everyone is, rightly, happy for BIL. There's a bit of me that feels BILs ex of 20 odd years, their kids' mum and my former friend (my attempts to contact her have been met with a luke warm response, fair enough) has very quickly been replaced. Maybe because I'm an inlaw in their family and it makes me feel insecure.

Here's where i'm being a tw*t: I can't warm to her. I am someone who wears my faults on my sleave and I can see 0 chink in her armour. To quote Motherland, "Where is her secret sadness?!". I find it a bit spooky.

Also, BIL is very loved up and vocal about how he was so unhappy for so long because his ex just wasn't his person. Thanks to new GF he's apparently discovered sex is his "love language" (!) and he was missing that before. They're both incredibly fit, outdoorsy people who share their love of mountaineering and cycling. I'm aware there's nothing wrong with this. BUT...

I find myself wanting to scream "OF COURSE YOUR NEW GF IS ALL SEXY AND SKINNY AND HAS TIME FOR YOUR HOBBIES BIL, SHE IS 10 YRS YOUNGER AND HASN'T BEEN BRINGING UP YOUR 2 KIDS FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS!"

FYI, BIL is quite hard to live with I'd say, and was quite neglectful as a partner to his ex.

I feel like my feelings are rather telling about my own marriage, and their new relationship is tapping into my own, grossly unattractive, insecurities. But that doesn't make the feelings go away. I just find it all...icky.

We're all going on a family holiday together soon and I'm dreading it. So, acknowledging IABU, what do I need to tell myself to get me out of this negative thinking pattern, and survive a long weekend in close quarters?

Extra points for empathy.
Top points for a kind telling off.
Zero points for telling me what I already know about how much of a dreadful person I am (I'm on it, ta).

GF could clearly do better than a cheater and poor father, but that’s her lookout!

Why should it be such hard work if she's nice enough, just do what you would normally do if this is a holiday you take regularly. Don't build it up to a drama that it probably won't be, Relax and have fun.

I wouldn't go. You'll end up doing all the childcare for not only your children, but Bil's children too! If you don't go then BIL will have to look after his children and won't get 1 to 1 time with his gf (although he'll probably ask his parents).

A man denigrating the mother of his children is not fine

For any posters here with kids who have separated/divorced, did you never speak openly to your close family about your negative feelings towards your ex? If you did then you also denigrated your children's father.

It's completely normal to do this, it's human nature. Unhappy couples will only make everyone more unhappy if they stay together.

Also there's no suggestion he's not pulling his weight re the kids as some posters seem to have presumed. The kids love the new partner according to OP so she must be spending quality around them.

The way the wife and mother has just been written out of the family I find rather chilling. Reminds me of ExH's family. They were like this when people died - never mentioned again! Gave me the creeps. I had to ring my ex MIL to tell her we were splitting up, as exH I knew would say nothing. I remember thinking as we spoke that she would never utter my name again, the photos would come down, I would be entirely excised. The ultimate in passive aggression.

Putting in his box?
What makes you, OP, or anyone else think you're entitled to speak to someone like this? OP would only look deranged.

The problem isn't the new SIL, it's OPs insecurities.

OP, no advice just empathy and sympathy here! From your post, you could have been talking about my dad and his wife when they got together (albeit many years ago!). My parent’s marriage was not a happy one, but it hurt to hear my poor mum be completely erased and everyone to be so black and white about the new relationship (back when it was new). I was already an adult so expressing any discomfort was interpreted as throwing my toys out of the pram over future inheritance (which turns out I would have been right so to do!)

Sorry to say that it has irrevocably changed our relationship; I still see my dad (and less often his wife and my step siblings) but I am much more guarded with him now. My dad was my hero growing up and now I feel like I can’t be vulnerable or honest with him. I have a perfectly pleasant relationship with everyone else in the family, but it’s no more than surface level (I don’t let it get that way). Luckily my ILs are fab.

Distance yourself as much as you can, take deep breaths and drink wine. Have you got a neutral party you can vent to? My friends were (and are) my lifeline for this.

I am insecure! Here's a big fat flag to mark it for you! It's not attractive, I don't like it, I work on it, but there it is. Life can he a bit shit sometimes and we have wobbles. I don't think being a bit insecure at times (and owning it, and trying to do better, hence the post) is the biggest sin going myself.

FYI, I and MIL have already been allocated childcare for the day while BIL, GF and DH go on an all day hike together.

I quite like spending time with my kids on holiday. If I only had them 50% of the time, I'd try to enjoy them even more.

I don't understand why it makes you insecure about your own marriage. I am RIGHT with you on the man dumping the mother of his children for the young, dynamic childfree woman and on the love language crap. Such a jerk!!

FYI, I and MIL have already been allocated childcare for the day while BIL, GF and DH go on an all day hike together

I think it'd be nice for you and the DC to go with them on the hike (unless they're babies). The grandparents can relax on their own then. Your Bil needs to look after his own DC.

Well I think you’re only human tbh. I completely understand that wistful kind of feeling for the honeymoon period, let alone being slimmer/fitter/energetic. Your feelings towards her are no doubt contorted by all of that. Maybe it’s not our best quality, but I’d be the same. Not exactly jealousy, more nostalgic for times gone.

I do like the Faye Weldon story that others mentioned, I do think they mean Weekend. I have it in a collection of shorts called Watching Me, Watching You. Kind of themed around the reality of the wife and mother. It will probs resonate, although not necessarily in a good way about your marriage!

@Winterstormm , it's not a kid friendly hike. We'll likely do one of those too (I like a good walk), but BIL, GF and DH will be scrambling over dodgy ridges and walking miles in all weathers for a good 6 hours. We've taken the kids up mountains on a fine day with snacks, but dragging them over slippery rocks atop a cloud drenched peak when you have to keep the pace up to get down before dark isn't fun.

Why would you go on this holiday?

Tell DH he can go on a weekend away with his brother at some point and do their hiking etc together, but you want to use annual leave for your nuclear family to do stuff together.

If you're stuck in a villa with your PIL and four DC to watch, whilst your DH, DBIL and his GF disappear for 6 hours at a time on treacherous hikes (& then return knackered) what kind of holiday is that for you?

Easier not to go at all.

If DBIL and GF go on holiday just with the PIL he's actually going to have to do some parenting of his own kids and as they no longer live with him, it's really important that his children get to spend that quality time with him, rather than with you as a babysitter.

You need to stop thinking so pejoratively about her. This post is dripping with it. She's not a "new girlfriend", she's an established partner of almost 2 years. She's clearly putting the children first or they wouldn't like her. PIL are probably delighted she's child focused.

You're also really mean about yourself, with descriptions of being a chunk, boring, etc. Work on your own insecurities, take practical steps about things like your weight if that bothers you and be nice to both yourself and BIL partner.

As for those drama llamas saying BIL is appalling for denigrating his ex: show me someone who says they haven’t slagged off their ex and I'll show you a liar. 🙄

I don’t know the woman obviously, but he sounds pretty insufferable. I think if I had an issue with either then it would be him. ‘Sex is my love language’ indeed. Talk about being led by your dick. He sounds like one.

I’d probably feel more pity for her, TBH, and as for the ex, sounds like she’s well off out of it.

They need to choose a child friendly hike then. Or a child friendly activity. Your DH and Bil are parents. They can go on a day trip together another day (not during a 'family' holiday).

Use your annual leave on a holiday with just you, DH and your DC. Doesn't sound like a holiday if you're used as unpaid childcare whilst the other adults your age can go off and do whatever they want.

Edit: Maybe your DH should go with his DC whilst you stay home. That sounds more relaxing for you. Then your DH and Bil will have to look after their DC.

OP - I don’t think you’re a terrible person at all. I do think you need to address any distance between you and your DH because I can’t see how this woman would be so unnerving if your marriage was secure.

Could you join them on the hike? I say this as someone who bloody loves this stuff and I realise it’s not for everyone, but it sorta sounds like you enjoy it too and by skipping it maybe you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. Is your fitness up to stuff like this?

Regardless of the hike, my strategy here would be to actively try to be her best mate because it’s a win win.

It seems to me that your dislike is of your BiL (quite rightly from some of what you’ve said) and you’re projecting that on to the new girlfriend. You’ll always have bil in your life, being your husband’s brother so to cause an uneasy relationship would have ill effect, so it’s easier to mirror his choices on to her.

The whole ‘sex is my love language’ is so blegh though, it reads to me as a stranger that his wife was perfectly fine to keep as the maker of his kids and the keeper of his home but not good enough to be seen as a woman who also wanted sex and affection because she was no longer an energetic younger person. It’s not the new GFs fault that she is those things but again, easy to reflect that you have changed through her. Can’t win, either we as women have to continue to be what we were 10/20 years ago to please a man or we can accept our life and ageing differences and be seen as less worthy to men like your BiL…

Can you not politely refuse to do their childcare?! It doesn't seem very nice of your DH either to dump you with all the children and go off on the hike with them.

To be honest, I'm not surprised your ex SIL is being a bit frosty. When a similar situation occurred in our family, we made sure that SIL was not "forgotten" or replaced by inviting her to everything. Why don't you and your kids plan a fun weekend with her and her kids.
I wouldn't be particularly keen to foster a relationship with the new replacement, what's the point? He'll have another in a few years.

I'm being a bit nosy but how did you find out they met through cheating?

Refuse to have them then. I would.

Id be telling him straight that he doesn’t have his kids all the time now so I thought he would want to spend as much time with them as possible so you won’t be looking after them so he can go on a walk.

Then take your own kids out.

Id also be telling the PIL that you won’t be doing holidays all together anymore as your BIL is a dick.

Yanbu. I’ve been in similar situation, and based my dislike of their relationship on there obviously being cross overs between the separation and getting together of the new couple. It all seems so seedy and disrespectful. Obviously the gf was complicit in the deceit of how she and your bil got together, so I would not want to spend time with someone with such a low moral compass. You probably can’t get out of the holiday now though without causing drama, so i would just be civil with her and just treat her as an acquaintance you’re spending time with and nothing more. You don’t have to compromise your own feelings just because others are.

The hole on holiday would send me furious with rage!

Are you taking a day off for yourself and leaving all the children? I would.

op self-ware etc- well done!

but, why are all posters IGNORING that bil and ex sis in law WERE unhappy?? even OP said this in her op. had anyone unhappy in marriage come here, the first post is ltb, get your duck in row, life is too short etc etc. or was bil supposed to hook up with someone he barely knew, have a not so nice gf and you are all happy? I just find his past unhappiness being ignored as unfair.

op, I thought he was married to your sister or was somehow your brother- you wouldn't have this feeling if he was either of the two.

yes, your dh is likely to fancy similar- so focus all your efforts on that. talk to him. get therapy, go on some hike etc etc.