BILs new girlfriend - how do I NBU?

[AppelationStation]

Jeez. This turned out to be loooong.

I know I am being pretty unreasonable here. I guess I'm looking for suggestions to shift my thinking so I don't let myself down and act like a tw*t.

BIL (DHs brother) separated from his wife almost 2 years ago.

Prior to this, the four of us were close friends for a while, living near by, seeing each at least once a week. In more recent years both couples relocated and we saw each other less. We have kids of a similar age, who are also quite close, so whenever we did meet up it was lovely.

We knew things were a bit rocky but didn't see the separation coming. BIL immediately got together with another woman, who he'd previously been friends with. He was seeing his new GF after he and exSIL decided to split, but before they'd moved out of their house together. We met her during this period when they were supposedly just friends, but I had a gut feeling which proved to be right.

New GF is very nice. I can't fault her. She's never expressed a negative thought or opinion within ear shot of me, on anything. BILs kids love her, the family love her, she fits right in. Everyone is, rightly, happy for BIL. There's a bit of me that feels BILs ex of 20 odd years, their kids' mum and my former friend (my attempts to contact her have been met with a luke warm response, fair enough) has very quickly been replaced. Maybe because I'm an inlaw in their family and it makes me feel insecure.

Here's where i'm being a tw*t: I can't warm to her. I am someone who wears my faults on my sleave and I can see 0 chink in her armour. To quote Motherland, "Where is her secret sadness?!". I find it a bit spooky.

Also, BIL is very loved up and vocal about how he was so unhappy for so long because his ex just wasn't his person. Thanks to new GF he's apparently discovered sex is his "love language" (!) and he was missing that before. They're both incredibly fit, outdoorsy people who share their love of mountaineering and cycling. I'm aware there's nothing wrong with this. BUT...

I find myself wanting to scream "OF COURSE YOUR NEW GF IS ALL SEXY AND SKINNY AND HAS TIME FOR YOUR HOBBIES BIL, SHE IS 10 YRS YOUNGER AND HASN'T BEEN BRINGING UP YOUR 2 KIDS FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS!"

FYI, BIL is quite hard to live with I'd say, and was quite neglectful as a partner to his ex.

I feel like my feelings are rather telling about my own marriage, and their new relationship is tapping into my own, grossly unattractive, insecurities. But that doesn't make the feelings go away. I just find it all...icky.

We're all going on a family holiday together soon and I'm dreading it. So, acknowledging IABU, what do I need to tell myself to get me out of this negative thinking pattern, and survive a long weekend in close quarters?

Extra points for empathy.
Top points for a kind telling off.
Zero points for telling me what I already know about how much of a dreadful person I am (I'm on it, ta).

You’re going on a weekend away and your Dh has arranged to dump the childcare on you so he can fuck off up a mountain? Just no! Family weekends I do are all about the kids, child friendly days out, not an excuse to dump the kids and do your own thing, that’s pretty disgusting. I would be extremely unhappy with my Dh if he did that. Clearly he’d rather spend time with his new gf. You know you’ll be the nanny for the day. Sorry, would be telling the Dh he either changes plans or you may as well just stay at home.

@AdaStarkadder https://apersonalanthology.com/2021/05/28/weekend-by-fay-weldon/. This? If another please let us know. Fay nails so much here re: being the put upon Mum.

I think the point is no one should be pressuring anyone to welcome adulterous relationships if they don’t want.

I think it’s a holiday rather than a weekend and the hike is one day but I agree with you, there probably is an expectation that OP and her kids will entertain BIL’s kids.

YANBU, but a little bit over the top about it all. Don't analyse too deeply or try to be friends, just try to have a pleasant few days away and get on with your life. Ask which day your DH is having your dc so you can go for (insert what you want to do here) So you can have some time away from them all.

your Bil sounds Insufferable ex wasn't his person sex is his new love language wtf is that all about! your ex sil bless her is well rid, its probably him you have an aversion to and it's coming out as the new gf yanbu to feel uncomfortable with the situation just go on holiday but let it go over your head and you don't have to be all buddy buddy with them /her. being polite and civil is fine.

amd no I wouldn't be the babysitter either.

@BadSkiingMum ‘The Weekend’ (Weldon) is genius, it was written in 1978 & little had changed!

@BruFord you have to read it!

Good point.

You’re insecure and jealous of her. You rightly conclude the issue is you. Unless something is wrong in your marriage, which I’m not sure it is, even thought people are focusing on the hike like your husband tortures puppies.

FYI, I and MIL have already been allocated childcare for the day while BIL, GF and DH go on an all day hike together.

Fuck that. Who did the allocating? I'd be having a very sharp clear word about that! Nope!

Yep

You don't sound like a terrible person, rather an honest one! Every single person on this planet will have someone who taps into their insecurities. I suppose she represents a threat (represents rather than is).

Because you asked for advice on how to handle... and this is just a forum, my quick tips would be:

1. Give it time. You don't have to be best buddies with her, I'm sure you'll manage to remain polite and nothing catastrophic will happen.

1. Address the part of you that can't warm to her as just that - a part of you. It is not the whole of you. And it sounds like it is a part that is trying to protect you. Whether this part is right or wrong in its assessment of her and the situation, just thank it.

1. You sound a bit overly reasonable if you ask me! Not a bad thing, but what if you let rip in a completely unreasonable letter to her/BIL/whoever (that you won't send)? One of the reasons I hate AIBU is because some people use it to enforce that feelings are somehow wrong and we shouldn't have them unless the situation meets a very specific set of criteria. That's not how feelings work. You can have feelings without letting them take over your rational brain. You sound very good at being rational, so I wouldn't worry about that.

And questions:

1. Do you need some reassurance from your husband?

1. Will DH and BIL be doing some childcare on the weekend so you can have some time to yourself?

Ps She probably does have baggage, even if she is only 30!

Pps And saying that sex is his love language? Ew!

I don’t think there is anything wrong with feeling the way you are. And you don’t have to click with this woman, I’m sure you’ll be polite to her

You can feel sad because you have lost a relationship due to someone else’s decisions.

You’re fine OP and you will be, just be authentic

Feelings are neither right or wrong, they simply are. However in this instance it is nothing to do with the woman, who is perfectly nice and done nothing wrong. This is all about the op and her jealousy and insecurity.

as said, folks are now focusing on the hike like they are desperately trying to find something wrong and attack any one but the op. This is because she says she was “allocated childcare”.

op if you don’t wish to care for your own kids with your mil then speak to your husband and explain this. Use your words. Don’t agree then bitch behind his back. Simply say no I’m not willing to do that so you can’t go on the hike. However this is totally seperate to the fact you’re jealous of the bil new girlfriend and insecure about your relationship.

What a woman 10 years younger than a man leaving his wife and children for more sex sees in him is....baffling. I'd question her intelligence. She probably just feels really flattered she's got one up on another woman.
I think that's possibly a little unfair on her.From what the OP says the new girlfriend is quite nice.

I'm not sure so much she's flattered to have got one up on another woman in a spiteful way, more that she's likely a little naïve and has fallen into the common trap of an older man fancying her with all the scripts that come with it.

At the back of her mind, if she has any sense, will be the nagging awareness that the second she ages, or has children, or the honeymoon phase of lots of sex tails off, he's highly likely to start looking for a replacement. He's being very (far too) open with her and everyone that his priorities are himself, sex and being the cool man with lots of hobbies.

I could have written this word for word about my own brother in law (in fact I did and asked similar advice about how to get over my feelings of anger towards him and OW) Nothing really helped , time meant I accepted her and my ex-SIL also distanced herself from our side of the family, we rarely see my niece and nephew now as they're older and have made the choice not to see much of their dad. His new relationship lasted a few years but reality set in and they split, he's now with someone even younger ! can't be on his own apparently. His socials are full of pics of wild nights out and city breaks (he's mid 40's) . I have no respect for him and I don't think DH does either. I used to feel very insecure because as you say , who wouldn't want to trade in a life of nonstop work/drudgery of childcare/ no money with exciting sex and freedom? However DH is still with me and recognises his brother's personality flaws and knows how his life has been very unstable and permeated with mental health issues since the divorce. Ultimately it's not a life to be envied.

I think I would struggle to keep my mouth closed when he started going on about his love language. Icky

Where has she bitched about the hike? She’s explained that it’s not a hike for children? You must have read a different post to me.

And just because someone is ‘nice’ doesn’t necessarily mean they are going to get on with each other. Why be fake? I doubt she is going to be mean to her too

OP has admitted she in insecure, and is working on it.

I wonder if the new GF will be on here in a few years' time, as we see variations on the below on here constantly:

"DH and I have two kids age 1 and 3, he wants to go out all day Saturday to do his [man hobby / cycling / mountain climbing]. But it's his day to have his two pre-teens. He's asked me to look after all four of them, but it's a lot of work especially when I've been up all night with the baby. Also I know he's going with a younger child-free woman he's friendly with which I'm finding hard, especially as he complains we don't have sex as much lately. Also I'm not sure sex is my love language anymore. AIBU?"

It should be a red flag to a younger woman when a man has left his first wife because he's not getting enough sex or she wasn't 'fun' (because she was stuck with the kids). That is likely to be her in a few years, if she wants children!

You don't have to be a cyclist to be a knob. Clearly.

Agree.

This is utterly ridiculous. Who excluded their own child in favour of their former spouse? It just doesn’t happen - and indeed shouldn’t happen.

I find it bizarre how many people are criticising OP’s PILs for “abandoning” their former DIL or “erasing her from history”. What do you expect them to do? Build a shrine to her? Begin every family event with an announcement that they do not acknowledge their divorce and that, as far as they are concerned, former DIL is their son’s one true wife?

It’s nice if people can still get along with their former in-laws in the event of a divorce, especially when there are children involved. But really, that’s all it needs to be. Several people have told OP that she needn’t be anything more than basically civil to the “new” woman given they only have a relationship through BIL. Well, isn’t that equally true of his parents and his ex? Why would they stay close when they no longer have that connection?

Also, has it ever occurred to you (or anyone lamenting the former SIL’s “exclusion”) that maybe SHE isn’t interested in maintaining a relationship with her ex’s family? Maybe her “at best lukewarm” response to the OP’s attempts at contact is not because she’s terribly hurt that her former in-laws haven’t publicly shunned her ex’s new partner, but because she simply doesn’t want to be around people she associates with her ex? She presumably has parents, maybe siblings, of her own, plus friends. Perhaps she wants to spend her time with them.