BILs new girlfriend - how do I NBU?

[AppelationStation]

Jeez. This turned out to be loooong.

I know I am being pretty unreasonable here. I guess I'm looking for suggestions to shift my thinking so I don't let myself down and act like a tw*t.

BIL (DHs brother) separated from his wife almost 2 years ago.

Prior to this, the four of us were close friends for a while, living near by, seeing each at least once a week. In more recent years both couples relocated and we saw each other less. We have kids of a similar age, who are also quite close, so whenever we did meet up it was lovely.

We knew things were a bit rocky but didn't see the separation coming. BIL immediately got together with another woman, who he'd previously been friends with. He was seeing his new GF after he and exSIL decided to split, but before they'd moved out of their house together. We met her during this period when they were supposedly just friends, but I had a gut feeling which proved to be right.

New GF is very nice. I can't fault her. She's never expressed a negative thought or opinion within ear shot of me, on anything. BILs kids love her, the family love her, she fits right in. Everyone is, rightly, happy for BIL. There's a bit of me that feels BILs ex of 20 odd years, their kids' mum and my former friend (my attempts to contact her have been met with a luke warm response, fair enough) has very quickly been replaced. Maybe because I'm an inlaw in their family and it makes me feel insecure.

Here's where i'm being a tw*t: I can't warm to her. I am someone who wears my faults on my sleave and I can see 0 chink in her armour. To quote Motherland, "Where is her secret sadness?!". I find it a bit spooky.

Also, BIL is very loved up and vocal about how he was so unhappy for so long because his ex just wasn't his person. Thanks to new GF he's apparently discovered sex is his "love language" (!) and he was missing that before. They're both incredibly fit, outdoorsy people who share their love of mountaineering and cycling. I'm aware there's nothing wrong with this. BUT...

I find myself wanting to scream "OF COURSE YOUR NEW GF IS ALL SEXY AND SKINNY AND HAS TIME FOR YOUR HOBBIES BIL, SHE IS 10 YRS YOUNGER AND HASN'T BEEN BRINGING UP YOUR 2 KIDS FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS!"

FYI, BIL is quite hard to live with I'd say, and was quite neglectful as a partner to his ex.

I feel like my feelings are rather telling about my own marriage, and their new relationship is tapping into my own, grossly unattractive, insecurities. But that doesn't make the feelings go away. I just find it all...icky.

We're all going on a family holiday together soon and I'm dreading it. So, acknowledging IABU, what do I need to tell myself to get me out of this negative thinking pattern, and survive a long weekend in close quarters?

Extra points for empathy.
Top points for a kind telling off.
Zero points for telling me what I already know about how much of a dreadful person I am (I'm on it, ta).

This is the real crux of it:

I find myself wanting to scream "OF COURSE YOUR NEW GF IS ALL SEXY AND SKINNY AND HAS TIME FOR YOUR HOBBIES BIL, SHE IS 10 YRS YOUNGER AND HASN'T BEEN BRINGING UP YOUR 2 KIDS FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS!"

No way would I be going on an extended family holiday with them. You and MIL have been designated as childcare whilst DH, BIL and new GF go off hiking - enjoying themselves, getting fresh air, getting more fit and athletic! How exactly is this a holiday for you? You ought to be getting paid for nannying services!

It'd be good if your shitty bil fell off a ridge.

In your original post you are almost deliberately coming across badly, probably because you don't like yourself very much. There's "owning it" and then there's aggravating it. Here's a reframed thought for you: it is extremely demeaning to yourself to put her in a position above you like this. If you keep doing this you will make it a reality.

You are unreasonable not to like her because it's really your BIL's behaviour and comments that are the problem, but to be fair to you, you have said you know you're being unreasonable there.

I don't think you're unreasonable for disliking your BIL's comments about his ex wife. There's something unpleasant and full of male entitlement to leave a marriage, get a new girlfriend that's 10 years younger and then start being dickhead comparing your shiny new younger woman to your ex wife who is mother of your children and has been raising a family for years. The "ooh sex is my love language" gives me the ick too. Basically he's traded family life for a younger woman so he can have more sex and do his hobbies, which is up to him, but bragging about it, especially around people who know and respect his ex wife is unpleasant.

@ForgivenessHope you've glossed over the cheating bit though (assuming they actually did cheat as OP only insinuated it and didn't elaborate)

No way would I hang out with a 3rd party apart from in a very distanced civil manner

It’s ok to recognise that either party was unhappy in a relationship. However, it doesn’t take a huge leap to see that his ‘unhappiness’ was from being part of a typically ageing relationship - getting older, younger kids, looks and energy levels do dip during these years on both sides. The fact he has resorted to stereotype of men his age - finding new life with a much younger, childfree woman to regain his happiness and youth whilst the one he built a typical life with is shunted to the side like a ‘practice run’, no he doesn’t come off as someone who is owed a huge amount of compassion here.

I agree with others, he looks after his own kids on this holiday and gets to remember he is still a grown man with responsibilities outside his new found excitement.

Dh, I’ve realised I have always quite enjoyed holidays with your parents, they are low key and fun. Now they aren’t, because I’ve been reduced to the woman who gets allocated the childcare while you and your brother go off and have fun. Why is it you think I’m going to keep coming to these? When are you and your brother going to do all the childcare and I get time off? Think carefully before answering please.

You identify with the ex so the comments about her and the abandonment of her are really chiming with you and feeling personal. That's so totally understandable and natural. Maybe this holiday will help as you can start to see the real person underneath the emotional structures the GF represents.

Of course she has pain and flaws and all of the usual shades of black and grey, you just haven't seen them yet. BIL is being a dick, just roll your eyes at his nonsense and let it slide past you.

I find myself wanting to scream "OF COURSE YOUR NEW GF IS ALL SEXY AND SKINNY AND HAS TIME FOR YOUR HOBBIES BIL, SHE IS 10 YRS YOUNGER AND HASN'T BEEN BRINGING UP YOUR 2 KIDS FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS!"

I don't think YANBU at all. Your BIL sounds like a total dick and I'm not surprised you can't warm to his GF under the circumstances.

I wouldn't be doing the babysitting while the young cool people are off having fun up a mountain. Let the men look after their own kids. Don't be 'allocated' a role in the family that you don't want.

You could suggest instead that you and DH have all the kids one day so BIL and GF can do something (climb a mountain or whatever), and then they have all the kids another day so you and DH can do something together - maybe just spend the day shagging and drinking champagne. Reconnect with your DH and let BIL and GF do their own thing.

I honestly wouldn’t go on the holiday as the arrangement you have described really isn’t fair on you.

But if you really do have to go, consider taking yourself and your two children off for the day - somewhere great fun of course. Make sure that DH misses out on something rather than you just being there at home to welcome the heroes back from the hills. 🤔Oh and arrive back at the cottage after them too.

With the girlfriend, try not to let her rile you. It’s BIL who’s annoying you really, not her.

Get a really gripping book on the go.
Take evening baths and have early nights to avoid too much chit chat.
Noise cancelling earphones playing zen music.
Go on your own walks.

OP - I don't think you're being u reasonable feeling the way you do.

I would be very reluctant to be allocated childcare duties while they spent a day fell running or whatever they're doing. Whose idea was that? It's majorly disrespectful to assign you to childcare while they go and have fun - you would be well within your rights to kick off/refuse to do this.

I would just tell him how it is OP! He need to hear it from someone and if no one else has said it you should. I think it’s terrible when men leave their wife for younger, child free women and blame their ex wife for not having time for sex/hobbies, not looking after herself etc - of course she doesn’t, she’s looking after YOUR children! He’s behaved appallingly and should know it.

why pander to his ego like everyone else?

Can you get out with MIL to do something nice you both enjoy, and leave the kids with DH/BIL/the new partner so you get some down time too? Seems only fair if you do a whole day of childcare.

I also get where you are coming from OP. You aren’t a bad person. I promise it will get easier to feel ok about her. Similar situation here many years ago, and I am now good friends with the “new” woman and she’s a hoot. She was massively insecure about us all not accepting her, as it turns out. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Why do you have to do the childcare? It’s your holiday as well

I can see why this has all unsettled you. When my SIL and BIL (my then husbands brother) split up then l saw an unpleasant side to how the whole family saw it. This was then replicated when my husband and l split up

Doesn't everyone have loads of sex at the beginning of a relationship? Wonder how long it will continue to be his 'love language'.

I am still not convinced that his unhappiness and the unhappiness of his previous marriage should be 100% ignored.

or is he the first one to find the dipping in energy, attractiveness of ex spouse affect the marriage? or is it just abuse- financial or physical- laziness, not wanting to change jobs etc etc which are acceptable reasons?

I am not talking about op and her insecurities and projections which she has admitted. although maybe op wants to be honest and say her own marriage is also unhappy/is struggling?

I'm not sure OP is really being allocated for childcare here.

The ILs seem like they could handle that themselves, so it's more about DH choosing to yomp up a mountain with his arsey DB and mspertbottom DGF than anything else.

I say just leave them to it, it will probably be the most enjoyable day of the holiday.The cousins get to be together without any conflicting loyalties about daddies new DGF and ILs can relax in their company. It must be hard for the ILs as well, deep down they will know that their DS is a bit of a selfish twit, so they are probably just relieved he has picked a decent DGF.

I suspect there may be attempts to force a foursome on you like a meal out without DCs. i would maybe just be honest with the DGF tell her she seems nice, but you're struggling a bit with the whole concept as you were close friends with ex-wife. She sounds smart - too smart to be with BIL - so I'm sure she will get it.

I'd go on that hike and get the lowdown on her

As for coping with her, treat her as you would any new woman you met - a new work colleague, for example. Just take each moment as it comes rather than letting yourself be coloured by the past. You might find you enjoy her company. What you aren't doing is being disrespectful to your ex-SIL by accepting her - that's on BIL. But you've all been put in this situation by him and it would be best for everyone if it works out.

If my BIL (or my SIL come to that) started telling me about their hot sex life I'd want to go and throw up somewhere. Ew.

Were you invited on the hike? Or did they just assume you'd be happy to look after all the kids while they have a nice day out?

... And yes, I'd be asking when MIL and I get our free day without the kids. And that no, SIL doesn't get to come along when we do. It's her turn to babysit.

Doesn't everyone have loads of sex at the beginning of a relationship? Wonder how long it will continue to be his 'love language'.
It'll probably always be his love language because he can pout and sulk because she knew sex was his love language when they got together.

She's also probably aware that any lines he's fed her (going to guess here that it's the usual wife doesn't get me, we were unhappy, we never have sex, poor me without enough time to do cycling and hiking) means that she knows from the start that when she gets older, or if they have children and her priority isn't him, or she expects him to not put hobbies and sex first, he's the sort of man that would be happy to trade her in for a younger woman.

I agree with PP that she sounds nice and switched on so hopefully she realises she can do better.

@AppelationStation if you needed my advice, I would say, act confident, act as if you are not bothered by gf competition, be nice to her- that is what will keep your dh. trust me on this. get therapy to improve your confidence or go on hikes with dh instead of therapy- same difference.

act the opposite, and you will be here in 2 years about your dh. men don't like their women being jealous/ feeling threatened by a new woman. it is enough for your dh to go.

You don’t have to be friends with her just because she’s with your bil. But be polite and superficially friendly with her. You might find over time that you warm to her but ultimately you don’t have to be mates with the in laws.

all the stuff about how you feel your bil was neglectful to your ex SIL that’s between them two. Try not to give it head space

I don’t actually think you’re being unreasonable, you can’t help your thoughts we can’t control our reactions all of the time. You are aware it’s not her fault, but nor are you at fault for feeling uncomfortable. You’d be unreasonable to ACT or VOICE these issues to her, but you’re not at all in the wrong for internally feeling this way.

After all, she’s the living embodiment of married women’s secret nightmare waltzing out of the shadows of their insecurities: she’s the the younger, hotter, no strings attached, active, sexually adventurous, “cool girl”. She’s the reality women hope don’t befall their own marriages, she’s the woman husbands swear to their wives they aren’t looking at/ attracted to/ interested in… until they are. She’s the “it won’t happen to us” standing in front of you. No one likes to feel replaceable, and she’s the new model. So no, I don't think you’re unreasonable to not warm to her but nor is this her fault and maybe one day he’ll do it again to her.

There’s a lot of pressure to be the perfect antidote to a wife when you’re the young fun girlfriend, maybe she’ll come to realise that it’s just as hard living up to the “dream girl” as much as you find it jarring to see the dream girl up close.