BILs new girlfriend - how do I NBU?

[AppelationStation]

Jeez. This turned out to be loooong.

I know I am being pretty unreasonable here. I guess I'm looking for suggestions to shift my thinking so I don't let myself down and act like a tw*t.

BIL (DHs brother) separated from his wife almost 2 years ago.

Prior to this, the four of us were close friends for a while, living near by, seeing each at least once a week. In more recent years both couples relocated and we saw each other less. We have kids of a similar age, who are also quite close, so whenever we did meet up it was lovely.

We knew things were a bit rocky but didn't see the separation coming. BIL immediately got together with another woman, who he'd previously been friends with. He was seeing his new GF after he and exSIL decided to split, but before they'd moved out of their house together. We met her during this period when they were supposedly just friends, but I had a gut feeling which proved to be right.

New GF is very nice. I can't fault her. She's never expressed a negative thought or opinion within ear shot of me, on anything. BILs kids love her, the family love her, she fits right in. Everyone is, rightly, happy for BIL. There's a bit of me that feels BILs ex of 20 odd years, their kids' mum and my former friend (my attempts to contact her have been met with a luke warm response, fair enough) has very quickly been replaced. Maybe because I'm an inlaw in their family and it makes me feel insecure.

Here's where i'm being a tw*t: I can't warm to her. I am someone who wears my faults on my sleave and I can see 0 chink in her armour. To quote Motherland, "Where is her secret sadness?!". I find it a bit spooky.

Also, BIL is very loved up and vocal about how he was so unhappy for so long because his ex just wasn't his person. Thanks to new GF he's apparently discovered sex is his "love language" (!) and he was missing that before. They're both incredibly fit, outdoorsy people who share their love of mountaineering and cycling. I'm aware there's nothing wrong with this. BUT...

I find myself wanting to scream "OF COURSE YOUR NEW GF IS ALL SEXY AND SKINNY AND HAS TIME FOR YOUR HOBBIES BIL, SHE IS 10 YRS YOUNGER AND HASN'T BEEN BRINGING UP YOUR 2 KIDS FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS!"

FYI, BIL is quite hard to live with I'd say, and was quite neglectful as a partner to his ex.

I feel like my feelings are rather telling about my own marriage, and their new relationship is tapping into my own, grossly unattractive, insecurities. But that doesn't make the feelings go away. I just find it all...icky.

We're all going on a family holiday together soon and I'm dreading it. So, acknowledging IABU, what do I need to tell myself to get me out of this negative thinking pattern, and survive a long weekend in close quarters?

Extra points for empathy.
Top points for a kind telling off.
Zero points for telling me what I already know about how much of a dreadful person I am (I'm on it, ta).

I wouldn't choose a dil over my own son, but if I felt he'd behaved badly, he'd definitely hear about it from me and I wouldn't tolerate him bad mouthing her, if she'd spent years raising my grandchildren while DS pleased himself.
I love my kids unconditionally but that doesn't mean accepting without criticism everything they do.

I suppose the problem here is that we are expected to view our in-laws as family, when we get married, but there really is a difference between those people who are 'ours' and those who are family only through marriage.

Who the fuck says in public " sex is my love language?"

Don't go. You might murder him.

I mean I read that and I got the mythical .ICK and shuddered !

Are you devoid of a moral compass?
Of course the parents would want to maintain a relationship with their DIL, so they maintain the best relationship possible with their grandchildren. Plus their son and DIL were married for over 20 years, and you propose that they’re not married anymore so they just cut her out? She plays a huge part of their family history.
And no, I wouldn’t suggest they cut their own son off for his behaviour- although I wouldn’t blame them- but if this was my son there is no chance he would be bringing the woman he most likely cheated with to play happy families.

No, I am not “devoid of a moral compass” 🙄 But for me, parents have a moral duty to the people they brought into the world. That means sometimes accepting their choices, even if you disagree with them, and moving forward as best you can. Refusing to accept their new partner after TWO YEARS would frankly put you on a fast track to having zero relationship with them.

If you read what I’ve said properly, you’ll see I’ve agreed that it’s better to get along when there are children involved. And if you read what YOU said properly, your exact words were “Both of them deserve to be excluded from family events, to make way for your poor SIL”. So you were indeed advocating cutting him out.

Are you honestly saying you think it’s normal to be inviting your child’s former spouse to a family party instead of them? As well as them would be weird enough!

I don't think it's the g/friend that's the problem but the twattish-ness of your BIL.

"Love language is sex" 🙄 I wonder how long that idiocy will last for. That aside, it's not really for you to judge.

I haven’t read all the e posts but a few of them have said how it wasn’t the new younger gf’s fault. Well if the affair started before they had broken up she does bear some responsibility. Women who take other peoples husbands are the pits. Especially if they have children. I wouldn't agree to a relationship with a married man until he had been living separately for at least six months. You just don’t do it. Men will get away with whatever they can. It’s a dreadful betrayal. It never happened to me but I have known three wives to whom this happened who felt so humiliated and in such grief one took her own life in two of the other cases had breakdowns. It should not be tolerated as though it was nothing.
OP your instincts are true and real. I’m sure you’ll do your best not to cause uproar but you’re right.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, in fact you are being very generous.

You are an in law in this family and you have seen how quickly you can be replaced. Of course that is making you feel uncomfortable! You are blaming the new girlfriend but it is the BIL really here who appears to be showing, and I know this is a bit harsh given we don’t know all the facts only they do, but it’s untrustworthy character. That is why you are feeling uneasy. It’s a bit like having your kid run free in a sweet shop and trying to find reasons to blame the sweets. We just can’t accept it’s our little darling. Truth is there usually will be always be some willing woman around, he’s chosen this.

You’ve reached out to ex Sil but she hasn’t responded warmly, fair enough given the situation like you said. There is every likelihood she is sad too to lose her friend because of exs choices but needs to move on. I’d be annoyed too and miss her. You had a good thing going by the sounds of it.

As others have said, stick to your own side of the road and keep it clean. It’s all you can do. However, I would also be taking note & probably giving more priority to my own friends, hobbies etc ready in case of facing this myself in future in light of knowing how easily the family accepted this. I suspect this would help the feelings & confidence generally so a win win.

It’s uncomfortable and none of us want to think about it but divorce is common as is shopping in the wife for a younger model. And it’s worth remembering there is no reason he won’t go shopping again once she gets older / he has kids with her and she can or longer climb mountains on a whim…

Im a bit biased though as my grandfather married three times in the end and no doubt girlfriends too. I heard every excuse for it from various family members not directly affected blaming the ‘new’ woman and always felt very sorry for my mum, aunt and uncle who suffered gratefully from it. The only reason he stopped was because he was so old his body wouldn’t let him anymore 😂

Sounds like your BIL is a bit of a twat and I know this type. He’s rewriting the story of his relationship with ex. Warning bells. New girlfriend is clearly very naive.

He might also have said something to his ex about you to stop your contact. Ie made something up that you’ve said or something. He wants her cut out completely.

I think that this is you projecting your own insecurities. The ex was replaced with a younger, more fun (in his eyes) model and the family have all accepted this with open arms.

Of course you’re going to wonder if they’d do the same with you. Honestly I’d do the same, I know I would. The only advice I could give is that if that is going to happen then it’ll happen no matter what. Worrying over something that might not happen is just going to drive you crazy.

You are loyal to your friend, but that does not mean you can’t like the new gf. As you say she hasn’t done anything wrong here, you don’t have to dislike her just because the ex might.

Thats exactly how I would feel to be brutally honest. I’d be disgusted with my BIL if he did the same. Thing to remember is that the fault is with him and not her.

It's ok to feel mild resentment towards miss sexyfitperfect .
And this is a good place to let it out !

Just keep it well hidden in real life

I don't think people really understand the impact of divorce in a family. It affects everyone. It affects every family get-together. When siblings and spouses all have a lot in common - it makes everyone feel very stable and secure. Unless of course someone does something drastic like divorce. I personally would not go away with the new couple. Too much pressure. But I would (and have in similar circumstances) said that I liked the previous partner, I don't want to hear them being slagged off. Everyone's happy, but just be happy withoput saying nasty things about the ex. I didn't like the new partner that much, so we no longer socialise like we used to. But my pet peeve is hearing people trash their exes.

You don't like her because you can't see a chink in her armour?????????

I love this! I am in the ex’s situation and I secretly hope that all his friends and family feel the same way about her as you do 😂 so, YADNBU!!

Well, no. That's not the situation at all.

I’m not a fan of ex’s who say their partner of 10 yrs and who they have kids with wasn’t actually up to scratch 🙄 but has it occurred to you that your ex sister in law was glad to get shot of him ! Hopefully they all live happily ever after , but honestly l’d probably have to work hard to let go of my negative feelings too…keep repeating “live and let live” and enjoy your life !

Thanks to new GF he's apparently discovered sex is his "love language" (!) and he was missing that before.

What a convenient way to put the new GF on notice that she better be up for regular sex or she's out...

BIL sounds a bit of a dick.

But my advice to you OP, is to dump the DC with PILs, or, ideally BIL so they can hang out with their cousins, and climb some mountains with your DH. It sounds like it would do you the world of good, for a whole host of reasons, even if you have to overcome the initial "nooo!!!! knackered!!! Sofa!!!!" feelings. Honestly, this is a wake up call, not just for your feelings about your marriage, but for your feelings about the woman you are, who you want to be, and your body. You'll be glad you did it once you're up there.

Oh dear. This was literally in the opening post:

Here's where i'm being a twt: I can't warm to her. I am someone who wears my faults on my sleave and I can see 0 chink in her armour. To quote Motherland, "Where is her secret sadness?!". I find it a bit spooky.

They do. People judge it and rightfully so.

Imagine telling your sister in law that sex was your love language haha what a dick. You have my sympathies as even though she’s lovely, he sounds like a delusional fool.

I thought the exact same thing.

I feel a bit sorry for the gf (although not if she was an ow)
She's swallowed all that guff from bil and probably believes she's special and his 'one'. But in reality she's wasting her youth on this self important prick, who's effectively put her on notice that if she gets pregnant or becomes less interesting or less up for sex, he'll happily trade her in.
If he stays with her it'll likely be because he's aged and can no longer attract younger women so easily!

My question is, what are you expecting from yourself regarding your relationship with the gf? As long as you don't call her a homeworking whore and be nice and have pleasant small talk, you're good. You don't have to be best friends.

If in private your bil goes on about sex, I'm not against a snarky comment on how it is easy to be sexy when you're not in charge of having kids 24/7. But not in company.

As for your own insecurities. Try to get to the bottom of them and work on those and talk with your husband