BILs new girlfriend - how do I NBU?

[AppelationStation]

Jeez. This turned out to be loooong.

I know I am being pretty unreasonable here. I guess I'm looking for suggestions to shift my thinking so I don't let myself down and act like a tw*t.

BIL (DHs brother) separated from his wife almost 2 years ago.

Prior to this, the four of us were close friends for a while, living near by, seeing each at least once a week. In more recent years both couples relocated and we saw each other less. We have kids of a similar age, who are also quite close, so whenever we did meet up it was lovely.

We knew things were a bit rocky but didn't see the separation coming. BIL immediately got together with another woman, who he'd previously been friends with. He was seeing his new GF after he and exSIL decided to split, but before they'd moved out of their house together. We met her during this period when they were supposedly just friends, but I had a gut feeling which proved to be right.

New GF is very nice. I can't fault her. She's never expressed a negative thought or opinion within ear shot of me, on anything. BILs kids love her, the family love her, she fits right in. Everyone is, rightly, happy for BIL. There's a bit of me that feels BILs ex of 20 odd years, their kids' mum and my former friend (my attempts to contact her have been met with a luke warm response, fair enough) has very quickly been replaced. Maybe because I'm an inlaw in their family and it makes me feel insecure.

Here's where i'm being a tw*t: I can't warm to her. I am someone who wears my faults on my sleave and I can see 0 chink in her armour. To quote Motherland, "Where is her secret sadness?!". I find it a bit spooky.

Also, BIL is very loved up and vocal about how he was so unhappy for so long because his ex just wasn't his person. Thanks to new GF he's apparently discovered sex is his "love language" (!) and he was missing that before. They're both incredibly fit, outdoorsy people who share their love of mountaineering and cycling. I'm aware there's nothing wrong with this. BUT...

I find myself wanting to scream "OF COURSE YOUR NEW GF IS ALL SEXY AND SKINNY AND HAS TIME FOR YOUR HOBBIES BIL, SHE IS 10 YRS YOUNGER AND HASN'T BEEN BRINGING UP YOUR 2 KIDS FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS!"

FYI, BIL is quite hard to live with I'd say, and was quite neglectful as a partner to his ex.

I feel like my feelings are rather telling about my own marriage, and their new relationship is tapping into my own, grossly unattractive, insecurities. But that doesn't make the feelings go away. I just find it all...icky.

We're all going on a family holiday together soon and I'm dreading it. So, acknowledging IABU, what do I need to tell myself to get me out of this negative thinking pattern, and survive a long weekend in close quarters?

Extra points for empathy.
Top points for a kind telling off.
Zero points for telling me what I already know about how much of a dreadful person I am (I'm on it, ta).

I'd say it's reasonable to feel irked at bil and his hot girlfriend enjoying a hassle free relationship with loads of great sex. Presumably you had that with your dh at some point too? But you also know this is temporary it lasts a couple of years max then normality sets in. They may want kids and will be back in the nappies stage when you guys are fairly child free.

Also I see why it's concerned to witness first hand how disposable in-laws can be. They love you and your part of the family as long as your dh loves you. It is always helpful to remember that their loyalty isn't with you.

You don't have to have a close relationship with this woman, it doesn't have to replicate your previous sil relationship. You need to find a new relationship with her technically she hasn't done anything wrong. I'd aim for polite and friendly but don't pressure yourself to be more than you are comfortable with.

Yup!

Can you talk to your dh, and say you’d appreciate a bit of emotional support to stop yourself screaming at his brother <exactly what you said- SHE’S TEN YEARS YOUNGER AND DIDNT GIVE BIRTH TO AND BRING UP YOUR KIDS SO OF BLOODY COURSE SHE HAS TIME AND ENERGY FOR SEX AND HOBBIES>, because I would expect my Dh to be totally on board with my emotions here, which I would feel pretty strongly . ‘Got the kids, drained the wife to a husk, so upgrading to younger sexy fit childfree model a man like me hasn’t yet drained’ is so classically male entitlement. Id have been full of snide comments I’m afraid - ‘mountain climbing! How nice- I hope Ella <his ex> gets a chance to take up hobbies like that now you are more hands on with parenting 😁

But a bit of support should be a big help in reigning in the resentment of the new gf.
I hear you on the in law awareness and how quickly they drop the exes.

This. I am not surprised you’re fuming. Your bil sounds like an idiot. At some stage I think I’d be putting him back in his box and tell him exactly what I think about his behaviour and denigrating the mother of his children.

why on earth does the OP need support for? no one else is doing anything wrong excpet for the OP she is doing iis making herself insecure no one can fix that but her

A man denigrating the mother of his children is not fine.

But how is that making the OP insecure, sure he sounds like an moron but the new GF must like him for something, but women do that about fathers of their children on here all the time and of course in real life

and the OP is making that all about her

Here's where i'm being a twt: I can't warm to her. I am someone who wears my faults on my sleave and I can see 0 chink in her armour. To quote Motherland, "Where is her secret sadness?!". I find it a bit spooky.

You come across terribly in this situation. Why are you making it your business? It’s nothing to do with you.

Yep - some people just have to be the star in a drama when, in reality, they’re barely a supporting player.

And why do you think he will care?

Like previous poster I immediately thought of The Weekend by Fay Weldon.

I think it’s quite common for a couple who are close to another couple who divorce to quietly think “that could be us”. And of course it could be but it’s one of those things, possible future events, that can really spoil the here and now if you give it too much head space.

I understand your feelings about your ex SIL. She was your friend and you miss her and feel loyal to her and understandably angry on her behalf. The thing is if she is lukewarm about maintaining your friendship maybe she feels it is the best for her to cut ties or maybe doesn’t want you to be torn between two camps so to speak.

You could try to find out if really she would prefer to maintain a friendship with you, by letter or email to give her time to think.

But if she wants a clean break that’s up to her and As I read your post, you’ve already accepted that.

What might make the situation better for you and your husband is if you can go one step further and see BIL new relationship as a fresh start - not how you’d have chosen things to be but what the reality is now. I t won’t be easy, maybe not possible to get rid of the negative feelings you have, but if you can put them on the back burner you might be able to enjoy the time you spend with them a bit more

I just wouldn’t bother to make any effort. Your BIL is a twat. Who denigrates the mother of their children behind their back after a supposedly amicable split? No. I suspect he was a very poor partner indeed.

I’d just avoid the pair of them and make no effort. Who else is going on this holiday?

Sounds a bit like my BIL. He was with his wife for 15 years and she was who he was with when I got with DH.
He got with someone else very quickly and she was the best thing since sliced bread. This was 7 years ago.. he's had.. 4 girlfriends since. I don't speak to him anymore as he's a dick but that's a separate issue. Every new girlfriend is brilliant and the family love them then it goes tits up quickly. I'm still friends with his ex wife.. don't even bother remembering new gfs names.
FWIW, I don't think YABU at all x

YANBU. I'm also suspicious of someone who is too nicey shiny perfect. I love my friends because of their flaws and vice versa. I'd be synical too.

But we just have to button our lips and play nicely.

Is BIL bringing the DC on this holiday? If so I'd make damned sure that I didn't end up looking after the lot while they go on jolly bike rides.

*cynical!

This is a really good point, OP. Make it clear now that you’re not playing babysitter for the menz.

I’d keep an eye out for new girlfriend on the step parenting boards if I was you.

There's a situation playing out in our family that has a flavour of this. It's not the same at all, but there are definitely similar characters and similar emotions at play.

In my case, my deep-as-a-puddle BIL doesn't bother me at all because my DH and him are chalk and cheese. DH is nothing like him and doesn't share his values (or lack thereof). So there's no feeling of "what if my DH did this". Which indicates that your issue is squarely with your DH, not his brother or brother's GF.

Similarly, whilst you may feel a sense of disloyalty to exSIL which is possibly standing in the way of you forming a friendship with the new GF, look at it objectively. ExSIL seems to be (understandably) distancing herself from you because she no longer wants any involvement with the family. She isn't asking for loyalty from you. And even if she were, that wouldn't be achieved by you keeping the GF at arm's length.

Where I can really relate to you is the feeling of insecurity around your PILs and DH's other family. It's certainly been an eye opener for me that DILs are so disposable and easily scapegoated in my DH's family. It's made me more guarded and I have definitely reviewed my emotional investment in them.

TBH I think you should be as friendly and as welcoming of the new GF as is fair. She is probably very nervous about coming into this situation and marriages break down- that is a reality.

And when BIL disses his ex I'd be up front about reminding him every single time; 'Of course she was tired/ exhausted/ boring.... bringing up 2 kids and the daily grind of life doe that to everyone'. How dare he diss the mother of his children? i'd say that too. Or perhaps 'Do you mind not saying those things about xxx? She is a friend of mine and the mother to your children'.

I had a similar situation a few months ago.
DHs friend is a bit of a free spirit and he and his DW separated a few years ago, they have two DCs and live abroad.At first I believed everything the friend said about the crazy ex wife, but then when we visited and she had said he could see the DCs as much as he wanted that week - this was apparently very out of character for her - he didn't prioritise spending time with them and instead wasted time on other stuff.

So then he got a gf and she got pregnant (he is in his 50s). They asked us to be the godparents even though I had never met her. Thankfully I refused as when they then came to visit, it was awful. She made such a huge deal about her pregnancy ( she is in her 40s so it is a big deal I suppose) and then when the teen DCs sent their DF a nasty message, was so sorry for her DP ( nobody seemed to care about the poor old DCs).

It's hard because it's him I should be annoyed with for abandoning his DCs and acting like they are the adults and he is the DC who needs to be cared for, but she was pretty darn annoying in other ways.

Thankfully in my case I don't need to see much of them, but that's tricky for you. I think I'd just keep it as superficial as I could, and unlike others are saying I'd be as nice to his DCs and include them in things where you can, as this is all a bit rubbish for them and I'm sure they have conflicted feelings as well.

It's probably put the wind up you that somebody who was in the same position as you - mother, wife, daughter in law was so quickly and easily replaced.

Everyone thinks she's great and it's been smooth sailing. The ex-wife has just been pulled up like a weed and tossed aside and you are probably freaked out by how easily it occurred. It's like something out of stepford wives and you are the only one thinking that something major has just happened.

You sound self aware. Hopefully your H is nicer than his brother!

Think holiday sounds a mistake! Agree with PPs that it’s important not to get lunbered with looking after the nieces/nephews, perhaps take some time for yourself.

@AppelationStation I have nothing constructive to say but here’s a hug.

You BIL sounds like a bit of a knob though.