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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tied into commitment made a year ago

217 replies

UntilThenAndTen · 27/02/2024 18:50

I share one nursery aged DC with DH who also shares a primary aged child with his ex partner.

I work from home as a self employed accountant but at the time this was agreed I was on maternity leave with DC.

DH shares custody 50:50, one week on one week off.

DSCs mum used to rely on a relative to collect DSC from school on her days as she was working. Unfortunately said relative passed away around a year ago. At the time as there was a lot of stuff going on and it was quite sudden, I agreed I would help by dropping and collecting DSC on mums days, she would drop him off wirh me on the way to work and then in the afternoon id bring him back here and she would collect him on her way home from work about 5:30.

I am now back working and this just isn't working for me anymore. Technically yes I am home and self employed so could work my day around a school run if necessary but I don't feel I should have to anymore. My mother will often help by collecting our DC from nursery so I can work and instead I'm running out morning and afternoon to drop and collect DSS.

I have said this doesn't work anymore and it seems to have caused a bit of a drama with DSS's mum and DH saying I shouldn't have "committed" to this in the first place if I couldn't do it.

School does not have a good or reliable breakfast / after school provision so far as I'm told.

This even in the past has leaked into me ending up with DSS when he's unwell and sent home etc.. and now I'm back working it's just not working for me.

DH suggested I ask my mum to also collect DSS when she collects our DC but I don't feel this is fair. They aren't massively close and I know my mum enjoys the time she gets with DC on these days.

Aibu to push on and insist this stops so I can concentrate on my own job now?

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 27/02/2024 18:55

Definitely not being unreasonable. You're working, if it doesn't work for you then that's that. It is up to your oh and ex to sort a long term solution now, yes you agreed but it's no longer working for you. What would they say if you got a new job opportunity and had to work in office? Tell them to ask for WFH days. I don't think it fair to ask your mum, maybe with no pressure you could ask her to do a day or 2 if she's going to the same school for pick up and drop off?

scaredofff · 27/02/2024 18:56

That's not fair on you. Surely you stepping in was just a temporary fix due to the family members passing? It wasn't going to be forever
So I'd set a date in the future for it to be stopped. Enough notice for mum to organise somebody else to do pick up and whatever fallouts come with it just accept it is unreasonable and grey rock

Whaleandsnail6 · 27/02/2024 18:58

Not unreasonable. I'd give her a month to come up with something else. Explain that you are working and cant commit to this anymore. It was fine short term but you are now 12 months down the line.

SoupAnyone · 27/02/2024 19:02

You are not their free childcare. Tell them you are unable to continue after Easter and let them sort it out

StrawberrySquash · 27/02/2024 19:04

It was nice of you to step in when the relative died, but circumstances have changed and it's not practical any more. You can't be tied into an agreement like this for years! If it was a job you'd give normal notice.

Datafan55 · 27/02/2024 19:06

I think you were lovely to do it to help out! But if it doesn't work for you and your job, it is up to the actual parents to sort it.

Prydddan · 27/02/2024 19:09

What did I just read?!?!?

Your Sc's parents need to get their act together and start parenting. It beggars belief that they are wsnting to rope Your Mum into providing free childcare.

YANBU (in case I wasn't clear)

kiwiane · 27/02/2024 19:09

You really can’t win - you’ve helped out and now rather than being grateful they think it’s your duty. They need to sort out their own childcare for their child whilst you work. Give notice and a childminder can be used.

shenandoahvalley · 27/02/2024 19:09

You're not being at all reasonable. The child has two parents, alive and well. Why aren't they looking after him?

Which kid wants to be collected from school by his stepmum every day, when his parents can do it if they could be arsed to remember that they have a child?

Unbelievable. How are you not hopping mad??

cheddercherry · 27/02/2024 19:11

I can’t quite believe what I’ve just read. But no, of all the people on Mumsnet you don’t even come close to being unreasonable. I’m flabbergasted you’ve done this for a year and even had the child when they’re sick!

Original poster
UntilThenAndTen · 27/02/2024 19:14

DH does do it the week DSS is with us. But he works longer hours the week after to make up for leaving early hence why he can't then do it during mums week too. So it is only every other week but still it's not working for me anymore.

OP posts:
WhamBamThankU · 27/02/2024 19:18

It's really not your problem to solve long term.

GabriellaMontez · 27/02/2024 19:21

Absolute cheeky bastards!

KestrelMoon · 27/02/2024 19:23

You committed for as long as you were not working. They are taking the piss thinking your favour to them was a life time commitment no matter what. YANBU at all.

Takenoprisoner · 27/02/2024 19:23

It's one of those things that once you get into a regular routine of doing a favour for people, they not only expect it but are also not grateful for it. and when you want to stop, they see it as you make their lives deliberately harder.

Of course yanbu. You're allowed to end any arrangement that doesn't suit you. People even leave paid employment at times, even though they 'agreed at the time'.

Applesandpears23 · 27/02/2024 19:26

Think about it like this, if you were a childminder you could give notice and they’d have to sort something out. The mum should ask around at school and find out what other people do for childcare. Even if there’s no space now by Sept childminders should have spaces provided she sorts it out before the offers go out to new reception children. Until then could she do as your DH does and work short days on her weeks and longer days on the other weeks?

Overthebow · 27/02/2024 19:27

No yanbu. If your DH is doing the school runs on his day then it’s up to the mum to sort out her week, you don’t have to do it.

Rubbishconfession · 27/02/2024 19:33

Both your DH and his ex are using pricks.

Please say no, calmly and coldly, and please also don’t pull your poor mum into their mess.

They are absolute twats for turning it around on you and saying you shouldn’t have committed.

And please don’t even do the emergency pick ups, the school need to call the PARENTS, not you.

RandomMess · 27/02/2024 19:34

Sounds like both sides needs wrap around care 2-3 days per week then your DH can choose the other weekdays every week.

Rubbishconfession · 27/02/2024 19:34

Whaleandsnail6 · 27/02/2024 18:58

Not unreasonable. I'd give her a month to come up with something else. Explain that you are working and cant commit to this anymore. It was fine short term but you are now 12 months down the line.

A month is way too long. I would give until Monday.

Ariona · 27/02/2024 19:35

I would be furious about being taken advantage like this. This isn't your child and the cheek of these two idiots trying to make this your problem. Even bigger cheek expecting your dm to take this on. Stand firm and don't let them guilt you. They have no respect that you have a job. Why is your job less worthy than the child's own mother??

NeedToChangeName · 27/02/2024 19:37

Unfortunately, this is one downside of WFH. Some people don't take it as seriously as if you were office based. It's infuriating

MostlyHappyMummy · 27/02/2024 19:39

@Rubbishconfession has it nailed

pokebowls · 27/02/2024 19:40

UntilThenAndTen · 27/02/2024 19:14

DH does do it the week DSS is with us. But he works longer hours the week after to make up for leaving early hence why he can't then do it during mums week too. So it is only every other week but still it's not working for me anymore.

This is dsc mother's responsibility. It's on her days.

mightydolphin · 27/02/2024 19:42

I would be really pissed off with my DH in this situation. The ex is naturally annoyed as she was onto a good thing and is now inconvenienced by your boundaries. She doesn't care about you so of course she is going to whinge. Your DH is your life partner and should have your back.