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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tied into commitment made a year ago

217 replies

UntilThenAndTen · 27/02/2024 18:50

I share one nursery aged DC with DH who also shares a primary aged child with his ex partner.

I work from home as a self employed accountant but at the time this was agreed I was on maternity leave with DC.

DH shares custody 50:50, one week on one week off.

DSCs mum used to rely on a relative to collect DSC from school on her days as she was working. Unfortunately said relative passed away around a year ago. At the time as there was a lot of stuff going on and it was quite sudden, I agreed I would help by dropping and collecting DSC on mums days, she would drop him off wirh me on the way to work and then in the afternoon id bring him back here and she would collect him on her way home from work about 5:30.

I am now back working and this just isn't working for me anymore. Technically yes I am home and self employed so could work my day around a school run if necessary but I don't feel I should have to anymore. My mother will often help by collecting our DC from nursery so I can work and instead I'm running out morning and afternoon to drop and collect DSS.

I have said this doesn't work anymore and it seems to have caused a bit of a drama with DSS's mum and DH saying I shouldn't have "committed" to this in the first place if I couldn't do it.

School does not have a good or reliable breakfast / after school provision so far as I'm told.

This even in the past has leaked into me ending up with DSS when he's unwell and sent home etc.. and now I'm back working it's just not working for me.

DH suggested I ask my mum to also collect DSS when she collects our DC but I don't feel this is fair. They aren't massively close and I know my mum enjoys the time she gets with DC on these days.

Aibu to push on and insist this stops so I can concentrate on my own job now?

OP posts:
Lumiodes · 27/02/2024 19:42

You didn’t commit to this though. You stepped in temporarily to help out in a tricky situation while you were on maternity leave. That was in no way a permanent commitment and you need to make this clear to them. In fact they’ve taken the piss by relying on you this long; they should have made other arrangements asap.

Your DH is organising childcare on his week so DSS’s mum needs to organise childcare on her week. It’s not your job to look after her child for her.

Fucketyfecketyfoo · 27/02/2024 19:53

It was very kind of you to step up to help in an emergency. Pair of cheeky fucker. Tell them to sort it out themselves!

minou123 · 27/02/2024 19:54

Takenoprisoner · 27/02/2024 19:23

It's one of those things that once you get into a regular routine of doing a favour for people, they not only expect it but are also not grateful for it. and when you want to stop, they see it as you make their lives deliberately harder.

Of course yanbu. You're allowed to end any arrangement that doesn't suit you. People even leave paid employment at times, even though they 'agreed at the time'.

100% agree.

Not only do they expect it and are no longer grateful, it has morphed into becoming your role and responsibility.

Your DH and his ex now have the mindset that it is your "job" and responsibility to pick up/drop off your SC. This is what you are up against.

My advice is to be assertive and firm. Do not let them rewrite history.
This was a short term favour, which no longer works for you.
You have become an easy solution to their problem. Neither of them are thinking of the impact to you.

eatreadsleeprepeat · 27/02/2024 20:29

Suggest that if it continues you will have to charge them at your accountant hourly rate as that is the opportunity cost of you not being able to concentrate on work.

RosyDawn · 27/02/2024 20:32

I think it depends how much you see your family unit as including your step-child or not. If you see yourselves as one family then I think that puts a different lens on it - it’s just the older sibling needing picking up.
Would a positive spin on you being flexible be that you - and your mum - will develop more connection with this older child in your family than would happen otherwise. Might make a big difference as the years roll on.

RunningThroughMyHead · 27/02/2024 20:35

I think they're both taking advantage of you.

What did she think, that you'd do it for the next 6 years?!

I would be reminding her that you've helped a lot and that you're sure she's grateful. That you are working and it can no longer work. You'll do it until the end of the term then she needs to work something else out. Perhaps she can flex her job?

whynotwhatknot · 27/02/2024 21:08

why do people aslways do this wen someone is wfh-youre still working and its also not your responsibilty

your dh and ex should be sorting this out not you and you didnt make a long term commitment you were elping out

Fiddlerdragon · 27/02/2024 21:18

mightydolphin · 27/02/2024 19:42

I would be really pissed off with my DH in this situation. The ex is naturally annoyed as she was onto a good thing and is now inconvenienced by your boundaries. She doesn't care about you so of course she is going to whinge. Your DH is your life partner and should have your back.

This. Bad enough that his ex is taking advantage of you, but your own dh is taking her side! It’s not even his contact time, how on earth is it your, and especially your mothers problem??!! I’m assuming he thinks you’re a bit soft and you’ll give him less of a hard time than his ex if he digs his heels in. I’d point out it was a favour in unfortunate and unforeseen circumstances, not a commitment, and a favour you’ve carried out for an entire year, you were expecting gratitude, not a hard time! And I’d give them until Monday to sort something else out for the future. Stop being a pushover. I’d honestly be rethinking my relationship if my dp had this attitude towards me

sofasofa42 · 27/02/2024 21:19

You shouldn't have to be relied upon at all. If parents agree 50/50 ( more fool them) then they do it . Mum needs to find a childminder or work on her network. Dad needs to leave you be. I am a step parent btw. We do what we can , when we can.

Allofaflutter · 27/02/2024 21:51

As Zammo once said. Just say no!

knockyknees · 27/02/2024 22:17

I hated having to revolve my day around my OWN childrens' school run. There's absolutely no way I'd revolve it around someone else's child! (Bar a one-off emergency). Doubly so if I didn't even have a school age child yet. One of the best things about not having school aged children (whether because they're too young yet, or have graduated) is the freedom from these time restrictions.

I'd tell DH that it's his and his ex's problem as of Monday, as you're no longer doing it. They can pay a childminder if necessary (and make sure DH knows that if they have to start paying for school run childcare, that it is not to negatively affect your shared DC financially in any way).

Noseybookworm · 27/02/2024 22:36

Did you commit to doing it indefinitely or did you offer to help out for a short period of time while she found other arrangements? You must have realised that you would be back working at some point? I think it's really up to DSSs parents to sort out the arrangements going forward and your DH needs to back you up. If there's no wraparound care at school, is there a local childminder she could use?

Shinyandnew1 · 27/02/2024 22:44

mightydolphin · 27/02/2024 19:42

I would be really pissed off with my DH in this situation. The ex is naturally annoyed as she was onto a good thing and is now inconvenienced by your boundaries. She doesn't care about you so of course she is going to whinge. Your DH is your life partner and should have your back.

This!

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 27/02/2024 22:48

Where did the OP go?

Zyq · 28/02/2024 00:44

It doesn't sound like you committed to anything other than temporarily helping out while you were on maternity leave. You have no obligation to help out indefinitely, neither does your mother. If your husband wants to help, he can pay a childminder to pick his child up.

Zyq · 28/02/2024 00:45

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 27/02/2024 22:48

Where did the OP go?

She posted only about three hours before your post. She has no duty to give hourly reports.

coxesorangepippin · 28/02/2024 02:14

Of course you can change your mind

Autienotnaughtie · 28/02/2024 05:05

Wow talk about a favour coming back to bite you on the bum!

So you helped out your dh EX wife and now you can't they both think you are being unreasonable! I'd be pretty pissed at your dh reaction if I was you.

Ex needs to find a childminder or nursery that does wrap around care. Families information service on gov website lists all childcare in you area.

Codlingmoths · 28/02/2024 05:17

if your dh kept on I’d say firmly don’t worry, you’ve convinced me. I won’t be making any more offers to help with your other children on your non contact since apparently I’m locked into them for the term of my fucking life and you think it’s perfectly reasonable for me to do more for your dc on their contact time with their mum than you do.

Fuhjutvb · 28/02/2024 05:34

Cfs should not have committed to having a child if they were not going to take responsibility for it.

LoudSnoringDog · 28/02/2024 05:35

I don’t believe that there isn’t some kind of wrap around provision at the school. Most schools have this to a degree

what a cheek

jeaux90 · 28/02/2024 06:45

Boundaries OP.
Given them notice you are done it's not working for you anymore.

This is what child minders are for.

Original poster
UntilThenAndTen · 28/02/2024 06:58

Unfortunately ex can't work longer hours and then start or finish early the week she has DSS. DHs work is pretty flexible to allow this as long as the hours are getting done somewhere.

DSS's mum worked hospital shifts so they are quite long and set.

OP posts:
Everydayimhuffling · 28/02/2024 07:10

It was surely perfectly obvious that the situation would change when you went back to work? Actually, your DH and his ex could really do with coming up with a shared solution like a childminder so that he's not rearranging his time so much. I imagine that would be better for him too.

GinForBreakfast · 28/02/2024 07:15

I am usually always on the side of the step parent when it comes to these kinds of threads but it's every second week during the school term only, so 19 or 20 time a year. You wfh, he's young and presumably you like him and have made him part of your family.

I would do the school run but make it absolutely clear that if child is ill then he is the mum's responsibility.