Tied into commitment made a year ago

[UntilThenAndTen]

I share one nursery aged DC with DH who also shares a primary aged child with his ex partner.

I work from home as a self employed accountant but at the time this was agreed I was on maternity leave with DC.

DH shares custody 50:50, one week on one week off.

DSCs mum used to rely on a relative to collect DSC from school on her days as she was working. Unfortunately said relative passed away around a year ago. At the time as there was a lot of stuff going on and it was quite sudden, I agreed I would help by dropping and collecting DSC on mums days, she would drop him off wirh me on the way to work and then in the afternoon id bring him back here and she would collect him on her way home from work about 5:30.

I am now back working and this just isn't working for me anymore. Technically yes I am home and self employed so could work my day around a school run if necessary but I don't feel I should have to anymore. My mother will often help by collecting our DC from nursery so I can work and instead I'm running out morning and afternoon to drop and collect DSS.

I have said this doesn't work anymore and it seems to have caused a bit of a drama with DSS's mum and DH saying I shouldn't have "committed" to this in the first place if I couldn't do it.

School does not have a good or reliable breakfast / after school provision so far as I'm told.

This even in the past has leaked into me ending up with DSS when he's unwell and sent home etc.. and now I'm back working it's just not working for me.

DH suggested I ask my mum to also collect DSS when she collects our DC but I don't feel this is fair. They aren't massively close and I know my mum enjoys the time she gets with DC on these days.

Aibu to push on and insist this stops so I can concentrate on my own job now?

So no answer to my question then?

Oh they don't 😊 it's just a few entitled people like yourself who seem to think a stepmothers role is to be both mother and father but with non of the rights. Fund the step children, do all the childcare/practical stuff for the step children but oi! They only have one mother so don't you dare overstep.
I'm so glad that the tide is slowly turning on Mumsnet. We just expect so so much from step mothers don't we? More than the actual mothers apparently. Certainly more than stepfathers and actual fathers.

Could backfire, given what CFs she's dealing with. As in, once they realise how muxh she makes... " well, you could put that towards childcare"

If the OP were to treat her SC the same as her own child, the SC would be in paid childcare. Like her own is.

But the SC's mum has failed to arrange that, hence the OP's post. Did you not read anythingbthe OP wrote, and just decided tobturn up to giva an SM a bashing?

Then mum needs to prioritise her child and get a job that allows her to parent her child, not dump that responsibility on someone else.

If your DSS's parents were still together they'd have to find a way to make this work but you WFH home and being self employed makes you far too available Op. It's very easy to say you don't have a boss to answer too but you need to give a decent service to your clients, if you're not supplying what your customers need, when they need it, you'll find them drifting away. Maybe your DH needs to see this in a financial light - at the moment you can pay your way, but private clients will be far less forgiving then a boss in an office

And "the other half" also works at yhe times mum can't have him. She has her own child in paid childcare so that she can work.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP.

This! There are some cringey super posts on here

Ordinarily when we get posts that say “My DP has left me high and dry for OW and I have no savings or funds to fall back on but I’ve raised his kids for the past 20 years and have no/ hardly progressed in my career”. Everyone goes “Women need to make sure that they don’t allow their careers to take a backseat while the man progresses as that leaves you extremely financially vulnerable and that is a dangerous position to be in”. Absolutely correct! Until it comes to the woman being a step parent, then you must allow your career to nosedive into shit because you must prioritise your husbands children over the future welfare of you and your kids. Especially when said DH nor his ex would never be willing to do the same even though those two people alone created that step child. Funny that. Fancy people actually having to be responsible for the children they bring onto the earth. 🙄 🤔

Well said @Zoreos

Thank you. I’ve always said that I’ll never climb mountains for people who wouldn’t step over puddles for me and when push comes to shove I definitely care about myself and my kids more than anyone else on this planet. If that makes me selfish then give me a badge and I’ll wear it with pride. 🤷🏻‍♀️

As a step gran I was looking after stepgc from age 2 to the end of the hols last summer but have been unceremoniously dumped as stepgc's mum's partner 's mum is a teacher and a far superior option than me now for helping with childcare.
My point is why should op get her mum on with the job, why is OP expected to lose massive amounts of money in the long wrong cos if the child's parent had a better option she would use it without a second thought to step mum's bond.
It's all jump jump jump for steps but no matter how high it's never quite right.

Does that apply to the actual parents who knew what they were signing up for when they decided to have a child? Is it terrible that the child’s parents are treating him like an inconvenience?

I don’t understand parents who have children and then think they can opt out of doing half the school runs because their ex has a new wife and so she should automatically be your free nanny, despite the fact SHE IS WORKING.

Poor boy, it's good that you've helped out but fair enough not to do it forever. I would think after school club (doubtful there is no provision) or childminder for a few days each week would be best, then dad can juggle his work over 2 wekes rather than one early week and one late week. It would be nice for mum to set up, but you can't actually force her to, whereas if dad wants the relationship with you to continue then he needs to sort this out. You might compromise by finishing early one day each week and collecting both children then, if that works for your schedule. More importantly, it isn't clear when nor how he is contributing to your shared child's care, and how much of an issue that will be once your child is in school; having him consider all childcare as between you and your mum is quite the ick factor.

School does not have a good or reliable breakfast/after school provision so far as I'm told.

Really? There must be other working parents in the school who access childcare somewhere. The mum needs to look into what they use.

She’s not, because she’d rather the OP did it for her free.

Have you discussed this more with your DH, @UntilThenAndTen ? I would be really cross that he didn’t have my back here.