Tied into commitment made a year ago

[UntilThenAndTen]

I share one nursery aged DC with DH who also shares a primary aged child with his ex partner.

I work from home as a self employed accountant but at the time this was agreed I was on maternity leave with DC.

DH shares custody 50:50, one week on one week off.

DSCs mum used to rely on a relative to collect DSC from school on her days as she was working. Unfortunately said relative passed away around a year ago. At the time as there was a lot of stuff going on and it was quite sudden, I agreed I would help by dropping and collecting DSC on mums days, she would drop him off wirh me on the way to work and then in the afternoon id bring him back here and she would collect him on her way home from work about 5:30.

I am now back working and this just isn't working for me anymore. Technically yes I am home and self employed so could work my day around a school run if necessary but I don't feel I should have to anymore. My mother will often help by collecting our DC from nursery so I can work and instead I'm running out morning and afternoon to drop and collect DSS.

I have said this doesn't work anymore and it seems to have caused a bit of a drama with DSS's mum and DH saying I shouldn't have "committed" to this in the first place if I couldn't do it.

School does not have a good or reliable breakfast / after school provision so far as I'm told.

This even in the past has leaked into me ending up with DSS when he's unwell and sent home etc.. and now I'm back working it's just not working for me.

DH suggested I ask my mum to also collect DSS when she collects our DC but I don't feel this is fair. They aren't massively close and I know my mum enjoys the time she gets with DC on these days.

Aibu to push on and insist this stops so I can concentrate on my own job now?

Exactly. OP must have her work affected to show she’s a team player ? Make it all make sense

I wonder how grateful DP and ex have been to you for stepping in like this?

If you give people an inch, they take a mile. I would just matter of factly tell them you won't be doing it anymore after X date, and not enter into discussion about it.

She followed through with it for a YEAR!

What would the ex wife do if the ex husband didn't have a new partner at all or one who also worked inflexible hours?

Of course it's not the OPs responsibility to be indefinitely provide childcare that's impacted her own work, that's crazy

I don't understand why your DH and his ex have decided that your work is less important than theirs. Just continue to tell her no. It's her week, her child, you helped for a YEAR. Absolutely do not impose this on your mother, she is doing you a favour, don't make her regret it.

YANBU.

If you can't arrange to pick your child up from school, you shouldn't be a mother.

You can't be half in half out.

A year is quite a long time!. The parents are taking the piss. Not your child = not your problem. You do have a job to do, they need to sort it out with their own employers.

You're more tolerant than I am. The bit about DSS's mum and your DH both telling you that you shouldn't have committed to it if you couldn't continue (forever) enraged me! They should be grateful you have done it for a year. You don't have to do things for the rest of your life if they don't suit your work circumstances any longer.

DSSs Mum will need to find a childminder/neighbour/nanny/au pair/friend or relative of her own to sort out how her child gets to school during her contact week. She knows she has one week on/one week off - it's not your job to sort out her childcare arrangements during this time. I think she's got a nerve.

Obviously not unreasonable to need to change things as circumstances have changed (and therefore people saying it is an unchangeable commitment are wrong), but I feel this was easily foreseeable and not sure why you did not raise this before you went back to work (apologies if I am missing something). I know if I had been in a similar situation I would have been constantly saying that this situation was temporary while I wasn't working and DSC mum would need to make alternative arrangements for when I was back at work.

100% this! There are 3 adults here, two of which are the parents.

This with bells and whistles and bunting.

I think you are a bit confused about the arrangement. Each parent has separate contact time, it’s the normal type of arrangement. She has done school runs on the mums contact time for a year. You might have read they are all three shacked up together in a polyam relationship? Your comment would have some basis then.

if you’re not confused I ask you to consider how many parents you’ve heard of who have a regular commitment to their child like drop offs and pick ups on the other parents contact time? For me that’s zero. None. Never.

I would give her til Easter then state you will not be collecting her dc from school after this date.

If the Mum works set shifts and your OHs work is more flexible is it worth considering whether the week on / week off arrangement is best now the child is in school and relative can’t help? Would it be easier for Mum to work around shifts, or use childcare if you split the week? Appreciate it’s a change but it is tricky with week on / week off as most wraparound has to be booked for every week…

Triggering. To pick her own kid up from school after a year of free childcare. Behave.

I wish some people would stop using the word/concept of 'triggering' to excuse all sorts of knobhead behaviour.

I wish I could get out of the school runs due to feeling triggered. If I tried this everyone would quite rightly tell me to shut the fuck up and pick my kid up.

It’s been a year! If she is “triggered” (🙄🙄🙄) she’s going to have to deal with being triggered because you can’t fucking park your kid for a year while you deal with your feeeeeeeelings.

I wouldn't be asking my mum or allowing anyone to ask my mum to collect your step son you are right. Your arrangements are for your kiddo with their grandparent.
I'd just say you can't do it and that work are noticing that your unavailable. Not much can say then is there.

Charge her the same hourly rate you charge your clients 🤷🏻‍♀️

Haha maybe I should

Yet on the other thread, the Uncle (and rest of the family) has to see the SC as same as the blood related DN to the point she should be a flower girl at the wedding. Why does the step dad's family have to fully accept the child but never the SM? They get to state who are GC and who aren't.

There are quite a lot of differences between excluding a stepchild from a wedding invitation when the rest of the family she lives with are invited, and expecting granny to look after a stepgrandchild 5 days a week alternate weeks.

I think @Glitterbaby17 's right and the one week on, one week off arrangement might need to evolve. It tends to be hard to juggle with childcare in the primary years. But of course it's not in your gift to thrash that one out.

I wonder OP, does your husband collect both children at 3pm and then carry on WFH with them both? Is he arguing he manages to juggle both children while working so you should too?

Can your DSS not walk home by himself? How old is he?

By 'not following through' are you suggesting that doing it for a YEAR was not long enough? Good Lord no good deed goes unpunished. Most people don't assume 'help' means until the end of time.

Now that many people have pointed out the weirdness of your comment do you realise how unreasonable your comment was?

It's not really close enough to walk.

They never come back and answer these questions.

They just melt into the mist.