Tied into commitment made a year ago

[UntilThenAndTen]

I share one nursery aged DC with DH who also shares a primary aged child with his ex partner.

I work from home as a self employed accountant but at the time this was agreed I was on maternity leave with DC.

DH shares custody 50:50, one week on one week off.

DSCs mum used to rely on a relative to collect DSC from school on her days as she was working. Unfortunately said relative passed away around a year ago. At the time as there was a lot of stuff going on and it was quite sudden, I agreed I would help by dropping and collecting DSC on mums days, she would drop him off wirh me on the way to work and then in the afternoon id bring him back here and she would collect him on her way home from work about 5:30.

I am now back working and this just isn't working for me anymore. Technically yes I am home and self employed so could work my day around a school run if necessary but I don't feel I should have to anymore. My mother will often help by collecting our DC from nursery so I can work and instead I'm running out morning and afternoon to drop and collect DSS.

I have said this doesn't work anymore and it seems to have caused a bit of a drama with DSS's mum and DH saying I shouldn't have "committed" to this in the first place if I couldn't do it.

School does not have a good or reliable breakfast / after school provision so far as I'm told.

This even in the past has leaked into me ending up with DSS when he's unwell and sent home etc.. and now I'm back working it's just not working for me.

DH suggested I ask my mum to also collect DSS when she collects our DC but I don't feel this is fair. They aren't massively close and I know my mum enjoys the time she gets with DC on these days.

Aibu to push on and insist this stops so I can concentrate on my own job now?

I would calculate the gross salary you doing the school runs is costing you in lost working time. I would message both of them stating the facts of "it is costing me £x per day plus the loss of paying additionally into my pension doing the school run. I need to be working and earning that instead on the days I pay for DC to be in nursery it will cost that as well"

I think they will both be surprised at what you are losing out on financially. I bet there won't be any offers from either of them to pay you for it!

Yep. SM's are expected by many to put their SC 1st even when the child's own parents don't seem to do so. We can't win

Dad and SM can't do school runs on their contact time? MN " It's your contact time so your responsibility to sort out childcare"
Mother can't do school runs on her contact time ? MN - "You should step up and help her out, after all the DC is part of your family"

It's either the parent's job to sort out their own childcare or it's not. SM's aren't there to manage the parent's failures wrt their own child.

Why do you feel that the SM should compromise their work to facilitate the bio mum not having to compromise hers. Its bio mums contact time. She doesn't want to have to sort out how to parent and work during her contact time so she expects SM to just drop work to facilitate things?

Why is the SMs career less important to you?

I really really want to hear from you why you think this?

YANBU. It's absolutely ridiculous of both of them to expect this and has been very kind of you to do it for a year!

I am chuckling to myself imaging the look on my ex's face if I suggested his DP should pick up from school and look after DS on my time with him, when she's meant to be working. He would think I had lost my mind!

Sometimes when things change, you need to look at the whole situation again. Maybe if they can’t get childcare (I cannot get it here til 6pm so I’ve had to change my working hours for example), they need to look at changing their arrangement and instead of doing every other week do half a week each every week and work it around working days if she has set shifts and if he can adjust his working hours on other days.
Absolutely might not be feasible but it’s possibly another option THEY need to consider.

Its a ‘them’ problem though, not a ‘you’ problem.

There is a straight forward solution, which is for the mother to organise wraparound childcare from a provider external to the school. This can also apply on holidays when your own child is in nursery. It's what they would have done in the first place had you not been on maternity leave. Now you are no longer on maternity leave you are no longer available. Simple as that.

YANBU. I would not want to have to stop my work at 2.30/3pm every other week and pick up SC from school while my own DC is at nursery! Apart from emergencies. Why should you lose 5-10 hours maybe work time per week or have to work evenings to make it up? Very different if they’re at the same school together and you’re picking up your own child or you’re not working at that point.

A better solution (if possible) might be that the SC does half the week in after school club or whatever form of childcare and your DH has him the other half week, but every week. You can help out occasionally.

This is all very sad. I honestly would treat a step child the same as my own and think there are three parents to support and love that child. It’s massively unpopular on mumsnet to say that yet if your husband was to treat a child of yours from another relationship differently then that’s not ok. Right. And sure childcare is an option I’m sure if all three can’t find a way to make it work but it should be with the same commitment to both children.

No the child has 2 parents, not 3. The 3rd has no parental responsibility at all (unless granted by a Court).. As for "childcare is an option" well of course it is...one that the SC's mother can seek out for HER child, just as the OP has done for her own child. It's not up to 3 people to make it work only 2....why does the SM always have to be the one to sacrifice her own commitments for a child that is not hers because the ACTUAL parents are too lazy to deal with the issue themselves.

You think the preferred option is that - op should finish work early to do pick ups during the mum's contact time?

Im puzzled, why don't you feel the childs actual Mother should rearrange her work or arrange childcare?

Parent one (mother) 'I'm not messing around my work to parent my child in my contact days'
Parent two (father) I already mess around my work on my contact days. I'm not doing it on my non contact days'
Stepmother 'why am I the one expected to mess up my work when contact parent won't and non contact parent won't?'

@drumbeats such a naive simplistic post which doesn’t reflect real life at all. If mum has a job doing shifts in healthcare then there is no flexibility and really no childcare that I ever found that would meet the needs of shift work. It’s not about her not being willing to flex, it’s about needing someone suitable that can care for their child, it’s natural you’d ask the other half of his family. It should be natural for the other half of his family to want to have him and let him be at home after school if possible.

It's not possible. The OP is working.

It should be natural for the other half of his family to want to have him and let him be at home after school if possible

Which I did whilst able. Now I am working. Is my work not important?

If mum has a job doing shifts in healthcare then there is no flexibility and really no childcare that I ever found that would meet the needs of shift work.
Then mums job isn't suitable and she needs to get a new one. Like I did. I would be mortified asking anyone to do so much childcare for me. Nevermind expecting them TO LEAVE WORK to do so.

The mother has had a year to sort this out. She could have requested to change her shifts, looked for a different job, asked a friend or other family member. All the things that single dads are expected to do when they work during their contact time.

No wonder step mothers get a bad name.

So the mother doesn't want to change her work pattern to enable her to pick and drop off her child during her time, yet in your view the step-mother should be doing exactly that. Why is the SM expected to show more flexibility than the mother? It seems that SM's are only seen as equal to the parents when it comes to their time and money. Bet you wouldn't be so keen on the whole "3 parents" view if the SM was to discipline the SC as the parents would. Oh no, suddenly it's all cries of "you're not the parent" then.
If both the mother and SM are working it's down to the mother to sort childcare out for HER child, the same as it would be for any parent.

And ask her to pay monthly, in advance 🤗

Well it's not possible is it? OP works too.

Look all 3 people work full time. Child's father has changed his hours so he can be responsible for his child during his contact time. Child's mother has to do the same, or come up with an alternative.

@UntilThenAndTen YANBU

You stepped in kindly to help when there was an issue but now you're quite rightfully asking for another solution .

Why isn't your DH taking your side???

The mum needs to find either a childminder for her week or perhaps consider a different school that has better breakfast and ASC provisions.

Seriously cheeky fuckers. Show DH this thread.

what would happen if @UntilThenAndTen splits with partner? He and ex are ok as they have had promotions but her career has been trashed through childcare provision

Both parents work full time and do alternate weeks of childcare.
The dad sorts childcare in his week.

Why would it possibly be the step mum’s job to do childcare on the mum’s week, when she also works full time?!

The mum needs to sort childcare on her week.

i Would do it tbh but stay firm on school holidays and say their must be a back up plan they sort for sickness etc i would feel to bad for the child it won’t be forever but he wil remember you doing that for him forever