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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tied into commitment made a year ago

217 replies

UntilThenAndTen · 27/02/2024 18:50

I share one nursery aged DC with DH who also shares a primary aged child with his ex partner.

I work from home as a self employed accountant but at the time this was agreed I was on maternity leave with DC.

DH shares custody 50:50, one week on one week off.

DSCs mum used to rely on a relative to collect DSC from school on her days as she was working. Unfortunately said relative passed away around a year ago. At the time as there was a lot of stuff going on and it was quite sudden, I agreed I would help by dropping and collecting DSC on mums days, she would drop him off wirh me on the way to work and then in the afternoon id bring him back here and she would collect him on her way home from work about 5:30.

I am now back working and this just isn't working for me anymore. Technically yes I am home and self employed so could work my day around a school run if necessary but I don't feel I should have to anymore. My mother will often help by collecting our DC from nursery so I can work and instead I'm running out morning and afternoon to drop and collect DSS.

I have said this doesn't work anymore and it seems to have caused a bit of a drama with DSS's mum and DH saying I shouldn't have "committed" to this in the first place if I couldn't do it.

School does not have a good or reliable breakfast / after school provision so far as I'm told.

This even in the past has leaked into me ending up with DSS when he's unwell and sent home etc.. and now I'm back working it's just not working for me.

DH suggested I ask my mum to also collect DSS when she collects our DC but I don't feel this is fair. They aren't massively close and I know my mum enjoys the time she gets with DC on these days.

Aibu to push on and insist this stops so I can concentrate on my own job now?

OP posts:
Anameisaname · 28/02/2024 07:24

The point is quite simple. The ex wife had a relative that was doing it. The relative couldn't continue doing.
You said you'd do it. Now you can't continue doing it.

There is no difference between you and that other relative. You did it for a bit. Now you can't do it.

YANBU and the DH and ex are being VU in now criticising you. I hope they were equally critical of the relative who used to do it

Lumiodes · 28/02/2024 07:27

UntilThenAndTen · 28/02/2024 06:58

Unfortunately ex can't work longer hours and then start or finish early the week she has DSS. DHs work is pretty flexible to allow this as long as the hours are getting done somewhere.

DSS's mum worked hospital shifts so they are quite long and set.

That’s not your problem though. That’s her problem to sort out.

Rubbishconfession · 28/02/2024 07:28

Everydayimhuffling · 28/02/2024 07:10

It was surely perfectly obvious that the situation would change when you went back to work? Actually, your DH and his ex could really do with coming up with a shared solution like a childminder so that he's not rearranging his time so much. I imagine that would be better for him too.

The subtext is you just don’t think OP’s job and well-being matter as much her DH’s and the ex’s, so I doubt you are usually on the side of the step-parent.

Fedupmumofadultsons · 28/02/2024 07:36

Sorry but yabu you are acting like this is some random child and some of the other comments from mumsneters are frankly vile ..this is not your problem not your child
.jesus you married a man with a child that means some sort of commitment to the child as well It's your husband's child your child's sibling. Honestly it makes me feel so sad to hear grown up women going to treat a child like a total inconvenience.

RichardsGear · 28/02/2024 07:41

I'm sure OP is very welcoming to the child when it's her husband's week to have him/her. However why is it down to OP to pick up the slack on the child's mother's week, to the detriment of her own employment? You could say that the mother herself is treating her own child like an inconvenience that week, not making a concerted effort to look for alternative childcare and taking the easiest option.

Rubbishconfession · 28/02/2024 07:44

Fedupmumofadultsons · 28/02/2024 07:36

Sorry but yabu you are acting like this is some random child and some of the other comments from mumsneters are frankly vile ..this is not your problem not your child
.jesus you married a man with a child that means some sort of commitment to the child as well It's your husband's child your child's sibling. Honestly it makes me feel so sad to hear grown up women going to treat a child like a total inconvenience.

Well, we had to get one of the ‘you knew what you were getting into’ posts eventually, I’m only surprised it’s taken 12 hours.

Tangelablue · 28/02/2024 08:06

Surely they knew you would be returning to work after your maternity and it couldn't be a long term solution. What a pair or ungrateful, CFs. Can you start going into the office a couple of times week. They need to look into afterschool clubs, most schools have them but the cost does add up. Don't let then bully you into continuing. They would have to figure something out if you left your partner.

Takenoprisoner · 28/02/2024 08:10

GinForBreakfast · 28/02/2024 07:15

I am usually always on the side of the step parent when it comes to these kinds of threads but it's every second week during the school term only, so 19 or 20 time a year. You wfh, he's young and presumably you like him and have made him part of your family.

I would do the school run but make it absolutely clear that if child is ill then he is the mum's responsibility.

19 or 20 times?? how did you arrive at that figure? the op does every other week, so a full week's worth of dropping off and picking up, disrupting her work day, something she doesn't do for her own child.

Towerofsong · 28/02/2024 08:11

UntilThenAndTen · 27/02/2024 19:14

DH does do it the week DSS is with us. But he works longer hours the week after to make up for leaving early hence why he can't then do it during mums week too. So it is only every other week but still it's not working for me anymore.

So your DH leaves early on his week, and works later on his exes week to make up for it?

So why can't his ex do the same, is leave early on her week and work longer when their DC is with his dad?

If her work won't let her, that's her problem to solve.

I'd be pretty annoyed if I was your boss and you were doing pick ups and childcare, especially voluntary for someone else's child, while working from home.

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 28/02/2024 08:23

The mum working a hospital you can't just pull doing the school run - it's only every Other Week not every week - she's going to need time to find alternative options - I'm a single mum and you can't just magic up school run childcare

When your younger child goes to school will they be going to the same school as the step son?

Original poster
UntilThenAndTen · 28/02/2024 08:24

Towerofsong · 28/02/2024 08:11

So your DH leaves early on his week, and works later on his exes week to make up for it?

So why can't his ex do the same, is leave early on her week and work longer when their DC is with his dad?

If her work won't let her, that's her problem to solve.

I'd be pretty annoyed if I was your boss and you were doing pick ups and childcare, especially voluntary for someone else's child, while working from home.

Show quote history

She can't as she works shifts which aren't flexible.

I don't have a boss, I'm self employed WFH. I suspect a large reason why they think I should do it as its easier for me... apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
UntilThenAndTen · 28/02/2024 08:25

When your younger child goes to school will they be going to the same school as the step son?

He'll be in secondary by then.

I'm a single mum and you can't just magic up school run childcare

I hate to say it... but is that really my problem? I have my own work to consider, it's not my responsibility to consider hers as well.

OP posts:
Rubbishconfession · 28/02/2024 08:27

UntilThenAndTen · 28/02/2024 08:25

When your younger child goes to school will they be going to the same school as the step son?

He'll be in secondary by then.

I'm a single mum and you can't just magic up school run childcare

I hate to say it... but is that really my problem? I have my own work to consider, it's not my responsibility to consider hers as well.

It’s not your problem at all, OP.

Have DH and ex accepted now that you’ve said no?

Zonder · 28/02/2024 08:28

If DH repeats this idea that you made a commitment, point out that you have stuck to that commitment for a year and now it's time for it to end. Commitments can be time limited!

Mollifi · 28/02/2024 08:33

No good deed goes unpunished.

Ofc YANBU. I would frame it firmly that you now need to use this time to work and it is not proving possibly with both children at home.

It is normal for them to push back because your decision doesn't suit them. Be clear and firm, make it about work commitments no matter how emotional they want to make it and be clear that your mum has her hands full with one. YANBU and you can deal with them not liking it.

RandomMess · 28/02/2024 08:43

I know they have said breakfast and wrap around care is unreliable but if it is used every week on 3 days then your DH will have the flexibility to do the other 2 days every week and pick up the slack when it doesn't work.

It isn't your problem but that is something DH can do to help out his ex.

Mollifi · 28/02/2024 08:43

Zonder · 28/02/2024 08:28

If DH repeats this idea that you made a commitment, point out that you have stuck to that commitment for a year and now it's time for it to end. Commitments can be time limited!

This is a really important point. You made and stuck to the commitment but now your circumstances have changed. Just like their change of circumstances that meant they needed your help in the first place.

When you are self employed, your work hours ARE just as valid as an employed person's, but the onus is on you to believe that wholeheartedly and proceed with conviction. Treat your own working hours with the respect you'd treat someone else's, because if you won't no one else will. (I'm not saying this is your fault.)

DottieMoon · 28/02/2024 08:44

It’s outrageous they expected you to continue this past your maternity. Both CF’s! Especially your DH.

Spirallingdownwards · 28/02/2024 08:47

It is DSS Mum's responsibility. She will need to find and pay for a childminder for her weeks.

Nicole1111 · 28/02/2024 08:53

Give a reasonable notice period but stand firm. They’re both communicating that your job is less important than theres. Presumably you didn’t say when you took it on that you were committing to doing it for the rest of the child’s school life. They should be grateful that you’ve done it for so long.

IsawwhatIsaw · 28/02/2024 08:53

So what started as a favour becomes an ongoing expectation. With no thanks. Simply, you can’t do it any more. And these people are angry because it means they need to step up, which as parents they should do.
poor DSS too.

Zoreos · 28/02/2024 09:22

So, when they decided to have sex like two consenting adults and had a baby who did they think was going to do the school run for them? Cos unless your DH is a psychic with a crystal ball it wasn’t going to be you was it? Absolute cheeky fucker entitlement from the pair of them. It’s their child and their responsibility. I’d be livid with the fact they just expect you to disrupt your working day because they can’t get their act together and are now villainizing you. Why is both of their careers more important than yours? They’re expecting you to be second-class for a child you didn’t even create. To me, that’s effectively what your DH actions and words are saying to me. Selfish beyond belief. I’d ask them who they’d expect to do it if you left or passed on unexpectedly. Is your DSS mums going to be doing a years worth of school runs for your younger child to reciprocate? I highly doubt it. YADNBU.

cheddercherry · 28/02/2024 09:24

Fedupmumofadultsons · 28/02/2024 07:36

Sorry but yabu you are acting like this is some random child and some of the other comments from mumsneters are frankly vile ..this is not your problem not your child
.jesus you married a man with a child that means some sort of commitment to the child as well It's your husband's child your child's sibling. Honestly it makes me feel so sad to hear grown up women going to treat a child like a total inconvenience.

@Fedupmumofadultsons you’ve misunderstood the connection. This isn’t her current partners child OR the OP’s child…. It’s the EX husband’s NEW partners child. So not even the OP’s stepchild, but her ex’s child and really absolutely not her responsibility. She very kindly offered to help short term and is now being made to feel awful for even stepping in when she didn’t have to.

Original poster
UntilThenAndTen · 28/02/2024 09:29

cheddercherry · 28/02/2024 09:24

@Fedupmumofadultsons you’ve misunderstood the connection. This isn’t her current partners child OR the OP’s child…. It’s the EX husband’s NEW partners child. So not even the OP’s stepchild, but her ex’s child and really absolutely not her responsibility. She very kindly offered to help short term and is now being made to feel awful for even stepping in when she didn’t have to.

Edited
Show quote history

It is my stepchild sorry if unclear.

OP posts:
TempleOfBloom · 28/02/2024 09:30

You stepped up when DSs’ mum was in a difficult spot.

She should be grateful, not pressurising and guilt tripping you.